Single, Broke, & Tuition's Due

Single, Broke, & Tuition’s Due

Dear MF’n Diary,

I am $1,361.19 past due on the boy’s 25-26 school year tuition. Move in day for sophomore year is August 14th, the bill is going to get even higher.

I’ve applied for part-time evening work at Starbucks, Dunkin, White Castle, Bath & Body Works, Menards, Smoothie King, the list goes on. Unfortunately.

No callbacks. No interviews. Email, voicemail, dry.

I’ve found myself wondering, lately, how different life would be financially, had I prioritized a mate. You know, someone to go half on this mortgage, these groceries. But I didn’t, instead, I embraced the single life.

I didn’t fight for child support.

I was raised by a single mom, a way maker--and figured, I can do this. I’ve seen it be done. Besides, I only have one kid, she had 3!

Shitting me? Ok. This single parenting thing weighs on your whole being—mind, body, & soul.

I’m in constant mental warfare with myself. Kai, you need to get out there, date, find you someone you can continue to age with.

Then, there’s the thought of actually having to consider someone else. You know, what they wanna do, their feelings—a whole other layer of stress. Crazy. I know. I can’t help it, can’t imagine having to share the little personal space I have.

So, here I am, single, broke, and tuition’s fucking due.

I have one month, with no actual leads, to figure this shit out. And what do I do, pull out my laptop and start journaling. Wasting time. But it’s helping me cope…

The bestie texted me earlier today, said she was praying for me. I didn’t respond. Hours later I hearted the message. The thought of actually having to say out loud, how stressed I am scares the shit out of me. I don’t know why. Like, if I actually say the words that are in my head, gives life to defeat.

And I’m not ready to concede.

I am ready to hit the lottery though, Powerball to be exact, Mega Millions went up to $5 a ticket, I can’t even do it.

What I can do, however, is fill out more applications (insert eye roll with heavy sigh), get back to Shipt shopping (not really worth it with these gas prices), go old school--print out copies of my resume & hit these stores in person (cringe).

Full on survival mode. Cause that’s what I do. I’ve been surviving my entire adult life. But Bay-Be, when that security finally hit…

Splitting that dinner bill evenly & not just paying for my salad – Check.

Photo shoot just because – Check.

Using a travel agent just to fly to Houston – Check.

A good time gone hate to see me coming!

…Ok, I’m back, I get lost in the dream sometimes. Chile, you should see my Pinterest boards. But anyway, as life has taught us all, reality definitely has a way of pulling you out of the clouds and grounding that ass. And that’s ok, cause without the dream, there’s no drive.

Back in reality, I’m getting hit with late fees. Scrolling my spam just to make sure an interview invite didn’t slip through the cracks. Checking my voicemail even though I don’t have any missed calls. You know, just being efficient. Not at all adding to my stress and anxiety.

The consistent efficiency will soon pay off. It has to, this is what I do. I get things done; I make shit happen.

When you’re single, broke as shit, and tuition’s fucking due, there’s really no other option short of hitting that pole—and let’s be honest, nobody wants to see that.

So, back to the grind—no pole. No lottery. Just me, my laptop, and a stack of fucking resumes.

--A Word with Kai