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Shiplife 101 #2

What NOT to ask a crew member

By Victoria KeeleyPublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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Annnnnnd breathe

Okay the long awaited chapter of my life I need to share. It's really a struggle as well as a blessing to work on board a cruise ship. Sometimes holding up to 7000 passengers at any given time, so you can imagine that we as crew come across some very interesting situations. Which leads me to this chapter.

Brace yourself, and if you ever cruise consider what I am about to say, we as crew members have to by company policy respond by smiling politely and answering your 'questions'.

What NOT to ask a crew member...

Do we live/sleep on the ship?

Polite Answer: No we actually have quarters where we live sometimes with a roommate.

How I want to answer: DO I LIVE ON THE SHIP! We do not commute with jet skis (which is always my answer), we do not fly home before a sea day, we are onboard ALWAYS. (just so you know I am cringing inside writing these)

How deep is the ocean?

Polite Answer. I am actually not sure at this time, it can be different at any given time. Also the TV has an update on the depth/weather.

How I want to answer: WOOOOOOOOOW I almost could not believe this question, as they must assume I am Google or lets just AskJeeves. We sail around any ocean around the world we of course do not know at that time how deep the ocean is? (Also FYI learned this contract the TV's in the staterooms have the MAP channel that actually tells you sea depth.)

Why is my microwave not working in my cabin?

Polite Answer: Oh my darling, that my dear is your safe, you can put anything of money value inside there to keep it safe.

How I want to answer: Excuse me? MICROWAVE? get THE F. out.

Is the toilet water salted?

Polite Answer: In all fairness ma'am, I am not entirely sure. Either way your toilet works.

How I want to answer: IS THE TOILET WATER SALTEDDD. Does it matter?????

Does this elevator take me to the back of the ship?

Polite Answer: The elevators on go up and down, they cannot take you to the back or front of the ship. They do not go sideways.

How I want to answer: I will tell you yes and put you in the elevator, and ask you to press the button that looks like this '< >' (I have actually done this on board)

Which way is the ship going/Which way is the front of the ship?

Polite Answer: Point them in the right direction.

How I want to answer: Yoooooo, okay open your eyes and look outside, which way is the ocean moving? (hahaha)

How do I know which photographs are mine?

Polite answer: I actually couldn’t think of one, I haven’t been asked this question personally but the photo staff; I can’t even imagine what they would be thinking. I mean c’mon, you’re looking at a whole bunch of pictures that you have specifically taken of ‘your’ family and don’t know which ones are yours? I can’t deal.

Does this ship generate its own power?

A cruise Director: No we have a very long extension cord plugged into the port of Miami. It’s insane that this even comes up.

What time does the midnight buffet start?

Polite answer: It will start around midnight….

How I want to answer: For you my darling, it’s not open.

Has this ship ever sunk? Or asked the Captain if he has been a Captain on a ship that has sunk.

Polite answer: No ma’am

How I want to answer: Fo’ real. You for real? Wow. Just wow. Has ‘This’ ship ever sunk…. When you are stood peering out into the ocean… OK.

When is it going to stop raining/being windy?

Polite Answer: It is unpredictable ma’am, the captain does make announcements often and he has the technology in the bridge that can tell us in the next few hours what the weather will be like.

How I want to answer: Okay, listen Linda. I am not the weather woman. I cannot predict when it is going to stop raining or when the wind is going to be 'less' windy. How long is a piece of string?

Annnnnd breathe. I was getting so irate writing these but laughing at the same time. Okay this is part one, I have maaaaaaaaaaaany more; please comment with any if you have anymore, I will add them to the next chapter.

travel
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