SAD

My journal writings:

When someone ask me how i am doing, I answer Im doing well, smile and carry on.

But in reality its been two years, it seems like yesterday, i remember every moment clear as day, the hopeless confused feeling like i could have done more, the empty emotions, the crumbling of my heart and head, every day grew fast to the day that you wud leave us and knowing that i had no control of it, I couldn't stop it, i couldnt tell it to leave, push it out of my way, I had no control of anything,

Rockelle and I stayed with you in that hotel room every chance we got, we watched you slowly fade away( the person we loved and cared for was dying in front of our eyes,

I feel like i never got to say what i needed to say, but we had been together for so long I dont think i really needed to, I think you knew what was in my heart on on my mind. I do miss you even though i am really mad at you for things you should have done before you got sick, I miss the funny stuff you used to do, I miss your smile and your laugh, You were the one who knew me better then i knew myself,

Change:

They say change is good, but when change comes at you like a hurricane, How can that be a good thing, It takes a hold of you and knocks you down, It takes control of everything, the way you breathe, eat, talk, walk, deal with anxiety, stress, and depression, Learn how to sort threw your mind, to deal with the important, deal with whats in front of you,

One day at a time, one night at a time, one day in my life is a week, all the trouble, pain, and hardships i've been through, It sometimes feels like i am the only one in the world, who walks in the steps i traveled.

Only me:

Is it only me,

who tries to bury the events,

That hurt that caused some much pain and anger,

The person who i walked beside, who had once made me feel safe and secure, who i loved threw good times and bad, Loving you even though my heart was broken real bad, Holding back the feelings of anger, rage and being backstabbed, making up excuses to stay when i should have gone away.

I loved you even, when i hated you for being someone other then the person, i chose to marry and wanted, all i ever wanted was the love i gave to you unconditionally, returned to me .

GOT IT!!!!!!

I got it when it was told me

I got it after you yelled in my face,

I got it when you called me dumb

I got it as you walked away,

I got it when you made me cry

I got it when you looked me in the eye

And i knew you lied, I got it to many times to count

I got it when i stuck around when i knew i should have

Got it and walked out that door.

JUDGEMENT:

Its so easy for you to

Stand there and judge

YOU arent perfect,

You have a lot of nerve to judge

When you were once like me

Its easy for you to open your mouth and let all the

Words come out, Pointed fingers, and disappointment

Is all you see when you look at me,

You may never know how it feels

To stand in judgement Of me.

God will be the judge

He's the only one