Retail Rant

I currently work in retail, and it makes me miss waitressing every other day. So if this is a little disorganized, I apologize. This is a rant about the ridiculousness that is the retail industry and what I have to put up with on a near daily basis.

The Mess

What the hell do y’all’s houses look like? I fear for you. The state in which you leave stores is absolutely atrocious and should be considered a crime against humanity. Like, I shouldn’t be finding women’s bras in the crevice of shelves in the men’s section; like why? Just give it to literally ANY employee, we will make sure it gets back to where it goes. I know some of you have the mentality of “well, it’s your job” or “why should I care if I don’t put it back where it goes?” a) just because it’s my job, doesn’t mean you have to make it harder, Carol and b) how would you feel if you really wanted something from the store but none of us could find it because some other customer decided not to just put it in plain sight, give it to an employee, or just put it roughly back where it goes?

Two follow up questions; firstly, why do people find it necessary to unbutton jeans while they’re looking at them on the floor? It’s not going to help you determine if they’re going to fit. Secondly, why don’t you look at the style and what the item looks like on the first of the pile (typically the smallest size) and THEN look for your size?

You do realize we have to stay after store closing and put everything back where it goes, and fold it correctly, right? I shouldn’t have to stay until 1 AM when the store closes at 9:30 PM because a bunch of A-holes decided they wanted to run a tornado through the store.

I Know You Don’t Want to Talk to Me

Look dude, when I shop, I don’t really want people to talk to me unless I need help. That being said, if I see you struggling with shit, I’m coming over to help you. If you literally tell the person in the first room what you’re looking for, your trip becomes quicker and more efficient, which means there’s less people that are going to bother you. If you come in looking for jeans, tell us; if you come in looking for nothing in particular, be prepared for me to tell you about sales and how XYZ season is around the corner and you should shop for it now instead of later when there’s less likely to be good sales. We know these things.

I tend to be chained at the register, so look, I know that 9/10 times, whoever is in front of me doesn’t want the store credit card, but just let me ask you three times, because I get shit if I don’t.

Yes, I’m Sure

When you ask me if something is in the store and I immediately answer no, I KNOW FOR A FACT it isn’t here. How do I know? I goddamn live here. I work in the stock room, I fulfill our online orders, I can check on the computer system, someone else asked earlier and we checked for it, like yes, I’m sure. “But the website says...” HUSH, the website doesn’t update for at least twenty four hours, it’s inaccurate. Also, why are you asking me if the store has an item that clearly says it’s online only…

For the Love of God, Please Stop Walking In & Out of the Store

It messes with our numbers and basically lowers the amount of hours we have for payroll, so either decide you’re coming in or keep walking.

Returns

Look, my store is not the only store that requires refunds go on the same method of payment; so shut the actual fuck up and just bring the goddamn card. I don’t know how as a fully functioning adult you didn’t think to bring it when you decided you were returning shit in the first place. It’s policy, it has to go back on the original form of payment method, and the only way we don’t follow that is if there’s been fraudulent activity with the previous card and you’ve received a new one from the bank and it’s the same account. Stop asking me why I have to see your ID when I’m confirming the numbers; because 90% of you don’t sign the back, that’s why. The other 10% of you have it signed but I literally still have to match the signature on your ID to the one on your card. So just STFU and let me do my job. Don’t like it? Take it up with corporate, stop shopping online when you obviously don’t know what the hell your size is, or just resell the items online. I’ve literally worked at my location longer than all of the managers here except one, it’s policy.

Also, AmEx people, it’s AMERICAN EXPRESS policy that the person whose name is on the card is the one in front of me attempting a refund, take it up with them, not me. I’m not violating laws for you, you’re not that special.

It Is Not Part of My Job Description to Be Verbally Abused by You

Despite what you think, Deborah’s of the world, it’s not part of my job to just lay here while taking your shit. You verbally abusing me is not part of my job description, and if it wouldn’t cost me my job, I’d yell right back. You can and will completely alter people’s perception of you and ruin my and everyone else’s damn day. My managers will also most likely take my side, ‘cause 9/10 times I'm right and you’re throwing the adult equivalent of a temper tantrum for no damn reason other than someone pissed in your Cheerios. Also, many of the employees you scream at are teenagers, and this is their first job… so take it down a few notches or I’ll do it for you.

Threatening to “Never Shop Here Again”

I literally don’t care, I work for a multi-million dollar company, we are okay with not taking your money because you’re a bitch and I don’t want you anywhere near my environment. For mom and pop shops, this would be a viable threat. But ma’am, you’re in a store that tops the district’s numbers. We don’t care.

Stop Trying to Barter

I understand that in some countries, they still have a barter system. But my store is located in America, and we did away with that a long ass time ago. Price matching from online is one thing; but no you cannot have this pair of $60 jeans for $20. That’s not how this works.

Expired Coupons

Your rewards and coupons very clearly warn you when they’re about to expire, and if you choose to ignore it, that’s a you problem, not a me problem. Now, mind you, if you’re nice about it, my managers and I will probably just give it to you if it’s been less than a week since it expired. But tell me why some lady two weeks ago decided to throw a hissy fit because we wouldn’t honor a coupon she had that expired a YEAR AGO. We are ten times more likely to do our best to accommodate you when you treat us like human beings with feelings.

Y’all Don’t Math

Math was never my favorite subject; but I still know that 25 + 25 is 50. When a store advertises a BOGO half off sale, what it means is it takes 25% off of each item. The difference? My ass will tell you. It’s like this, because a) it saves you money and b) if you need to exchange it for whatever reason, would you rather pay full price for the difference between the items or would you rather me zero it out so you don’t spend any more money. Let’s do a mini math course :

Item 1 = 49.99

Item 2 = 49.99

49.99 * 2 = 99.98 + 6.7% (tax) =106.68 (this is if both items stayed full price)

49.99/2 = 24.99, 24.99 +49.99 = 74.98 + 6.7% (tax) =81.68 (if one item is perfectly 50% off and the other stays full price)

49.99-25% = 37.49, 37.49+37.49 = 74.98 + 6.7% (tax) = 81.68 (see how this is literally the same numbers as the second example??)

Item 1 = 49.99

Item 2 = 39.99

49.99 + 39.99 = 89.98 + 6.7% (tax) = 96.68 (if both items were full price)

39.95/2 = 19.99, 49.95+19.99 = 69.94 + 6.7 % (tax) = 76.64 (if one item were perfectly 50% off and the other stays full price, the discounted item is usually the cheaper of the two, a common practice)

49.95 -25% = 37.46, 39.95 -25% = 29.99, 37.46+29.99 = 67.45 +6.7% (tax) =74.15 (it’s only by a few dollars, but see how our way saves you money rather than the way you THINK it should be)

Side Note: Y’all also don’t read, BOGO 50% isn’t the same as everything is half off or free

No, I Am Not Flirting with You

I’m being nice, so you’ll buy things so I can continue to work this week and get paid. I’m not flirting with you, please don’t give me your number. The amount of times a male coworker or manager has had to save me from really creepy dudes is astounding. We as a company had to enact a “buddy system” parking rule for closing staff because we had so many stalking incidents. Don’t follow people to their cars… It’s not gonna put you in a better standing.

Your Bad Mood Is NOT My Problem

A few weeks ago, a lady came in the store, giving everybody a damn attitude, and she decided on returning instead of exchanging, okay cool. She asked me if she had to get her card out, a question I didn’t actually process the first time so I politely told her, “Give me just a second.” Her response was to tell me I was being rude and cared more about doing my job of putting things on hangers rather than help her during her return. She DEMANDED my name and told me she didn’t like my attitude from the beginning. It took me two seconds to put her return on the hanger, I’m trying to be efficient, and if that means you wait two seconds to take your damn card out, so be it. Your bad attitude doesn’t warrant me to attend to your every whim.

I’ve also been called an “incompetent bitch” by a man whose transaction timed out and cancelled because he took a few minutes to add a few things to his purchase. And then his bank wouldn’t allow him to buy the items. He was from Europe and told me that the entire problem was my fault when I literally didn’t do anything but wait on him to get back.

You not understanding my plain English explanation of how things are happening, working, or trying to explain whatever you’re complaining about is also not my problem. If you speak a different language, okay, I’ll see if we have someone on hand that can translate. But when we are both native English speakers, and you just refuse to listen to me, I will not think twice of asking my manager to explain the same damn thing, in the exact same way and all of a sudden you understand it. Because apparently my being a young assistant manager means absolutely nothing to you.

We Know You're Trying to Rip Us Off

If you come in trying to return over $100 of crap without the receipt and DEMANDING we give it you in cash, we know you stole it. We will not do the return and will tell all other stores in the area not to do it either. If it was a gift and you're nice (again, your attitude determines everything) we'll give you store credit. But when there's a long history of returns with no receipt on your account, then no... we know you're trying to rip us off and we're not falling for it. Make a scene, we all know what you're doing and it's not going to change our mind.

This is the shortened version of my woes in retail and that’s saying… a lot. Rule of thumb… just stop being a douche.