Purpose

Purpose - a word filled with so much pressure. Pressure to find exactly what it is within ourselves that will change the world. What is this one thing I'm supposed to do? Why am I here? All of these questions are beyond our control of ever getting a straight answer to - unless we live our lives to slowly unravel the revelation until it hits us square in the heart one random Tuesday morning.

I've found that discovering my "purpose" is that it is and never will be just one single thing. How could it be? As human beings, we live these intricate lives filled with such beauty and tragedy on the other end of the spectrum. We experiment with each new moment in our lives in an infinite amount of ways. We date different people, try different foods, travel to other places, go through emotional growth and confusion, explore different careers and hobbies out of intrigue - something within us gives us that spark. Some of these endeavors and moments stick with us and change our lives forever. Some don't. However, all circumstances, situations, and experiences teach us valuable lessons - no matter how big or small. These lessons are based on our timelines in life, which can be similar in a simple description. Still, they will always be exceptionally unique based on each moment-to-moment experience that we as individuals have chosen, which has been selected for us in the grand scheme of things.

With these experiences, we can discover our gifts. What are we good at? These skills could be developed naturally or slowly acquired, but only genuinely momentous if practiced and worked on consistently and diligently. These gifts almost always innately go hand-in-hand with what we're interested in from an early age. Is it basketball? Writing? Astrology? Photography? Inspiring and helping people? Chances are you're gifted at all of these, or any combination of things, related or not - because, as mentioned, we are intricate human beings with so many different and unique puzzle pieces that make us up. Combining our life experiences and gifts is where these pieces of our life's puzzle come together to create the picture of this thing we call our purpose.

In going through the hard times, the breathtaking moments, the experiences that heal us and help us to find our true selves, combined with the growth of the things that set our souls on fire and motivate us every day to build and create something new and give our all - creates a mission in life. So, what have all of the experiences we've been through taught us? How do we want to impact those we love and those we've never met with what we've learned so they don't have to go through the same mistakes as us? Or, better yet, have people relate to what we've been through and inspire them to make a positive change in their lives through our unique and personal stories?

This mission that we've found ourselves fueled by is what gives life purpose. Fulfilling this mission each day through our gifts and doing what we love is what gives us meaning. Therefore, life isn't about finding one sole purpose; it's about living each day of life with purpose in a way that fulfills us - no matter how big or small.

That's another thing about the pressure of purpose - so many of us feel it needs to be this earth-shattering enigma that brings us fame, and in turn, we must become a household name. But, in reality, by doing the top five things that we love every day and connecting, educating, and inspiring those with the very same kinds of interests - chances are you'll have a far more faithful audience whose lives are continually changed by you being exactly who you are. Whether you reach one thousand or a million people, connecting to anyone that loves you and what you do, for you, compared to something you're not, sounds a whole lot better than trying to appease everyone and losing yourself along the way.

Although it's taken until this point in life, and going through all that I have to realize this, I have never felt more right, fulfilled, and motivated to move forward in pursuing freedom in making a living doing what I love, surrounded by those that I love, and seeing the world along the way. Honestly, this realization has unfolded over the last few years in a series of steps and events, all starting with going back to who I was as a child. She has had the foundation of all of the answers I've been looking for throughout my life. But, overall, everything I was searching for was always within me and my continually unfolding story.

Currently, I'm 25 years old. Four years ago was the first time I went back to the four-year-old me for guidance. At that point, I was a sophomore in college and a part of the inaugural class at a four-year conservatory. I studied film and digital content, but there were also degrees in acting, musical theater, and commercial dance for TV and film. This school was the first of its kind located in downtown Los Angeles. It was a Bachelor of Fine Arts program with the outline of an ivy league master's curriculum mixed with the ruthlessness of the entertainment industry. It was housed in a highly active, independent movie studio. It was an incredible combination of pushing your limits as an artist while also being strategic in crafting and pitching your stories to succeed in the business. By the end of our freshman year, we already made four different short films compared to some programs where you don't even touch a camera until your junior year. According to the staple entertainment industry trade, Variety, this school is now one of the top film schools in the world.

As great of a school as it was becoming in building industry professionals, it was also a relatively toxic environment. Students were becoming shells of who they used to be in pursuit of becoming even an inkling of what they thought and were being told casting directors, producers, directors, etc., wanted. Passion was fading. Almost everyone was becoming cold, depressed, and unfeeling. Finding a friend was difficult because even if you wanted to be there for someone, it was virtually impossible. After all, you didn't know how to be there for yourself. I've found this to be a common occurrence in so many who move to LA.

I was one of these people. I felt surrounded by those who didn't have f a positive perspective on life, nor much gratitude for it in general. As fortunate as some of my peers were, I found that they lacked life experience and giving back to others that could help make any dark time a little brighter. I also may be biased in this opinion, as they continually saw me as the underdog - incapable of executing my vision or taking me seriously, as I was a bubbly blonde girl from a Wisconsin town of fewer than one thousand people. What did I know about being a serious filmmaker - especially if I liked to sing and act as well?

In being perceived this way and not having anyone to turn to who wasn't at least two thousand miles away back home, I fell into a deep depression. I was numb. I began drinking and isolating myself. It was either that or working myself into the ground with multiple projects at a time. I was sick constantly - whether it was to do with my immune system, digestive system, lymphatic system - everything was going wrong. I had a panic attack the night before a big show and ended up in the hospital. I was slowly deteriorating bit by bit - physically and mentally. I trusted and turned to no one. However, one of the positive aspects of this was that I distanced myself from those draining me of losing who I once was - a girl I loved dearly. Queue me finishing my sophomore year in a fed-up and lost frenzy, looking for a friend who cared.

That's when I started going to the beach alone at 2 am, crying my eyes out in search of her - in search of something...in search of anything. I just needed to feel again. It wasn't long until she came and sat right beside me. Her presence made me feel at home and feel calm for the first time since moving to LA. Looking into and nurturing my soul was the little blue-eyed, white-haired, four-year-old version of me. The waves were subtly crashing in front of us to create a sort of world of our own. It felt so good to recognize a little bit of myself again.

It was with the breath-like sound of the waves that she asked me why I was out in LA. Why did I want to be a filmmaker, a writer, a singer, an actress? What were the things that made me truly happy? What were the things that meant the most to me? What made me feel alive? What made me feel most like me? What were the reasons behind it all? What caused me to lose myself in the process?

These are all questions I hadn't asked myself in a long time, if ever. Then I thought back to the time I was in that four-year-old's shoes. I did what I loved without a care in the world of what anyone thought. I spent hours upon hours writing and illustrating my little books, starting when I was around three. They were always about girls my age, living in some imaginative world, kicking butt, doing what they loved, and being exactly who they were. Of course, they ran into some trouble and had obstacles they had to face along the way - but it wouldn't be a story without those things, right?

Not only did I love writing stories, but I loved to sing ALL of the time. I remember getting a pop sensation barbie for my birthday when I turned four, and I told my mom I wanted to be a pop star and an author when I grew up. Looking back on that statement, at twenty and now at 25, and nothing has changed. Maybe I'm not too keen on being a star, but definitely, someone who could make a living writing and singing, and also by making movies, through my drawings and paintings that I also loved to do. Why does it only have to be one thing I have to choose if I love them all? Also, I want to inspire, motivate, and educate young women as well? Can't I do that too? That got me thinking of my why. Why did I write those kinds of stories when I was younger and how similar they were to my work now? It was always about a woman or group of women in a complex fictional world. Still, now, instead of only external obstacles getting in the main character's way, I focused more on the psychological, mental, and internal struggles faced along the way. What shifted?

This had me think back to my sophomore year in high school. After years of my childhood being chubby, trying my hardest at everything I loved, and still not being good enough for anyone - especially in sports, being bullied, and overall an afterthought in many people's eyes - everything changed. My confidence was never really shot, and I always tried my best, so when it came to my freshman year of high school, those attributes worked in my favor. I had slimmed down and had the "glow-up," if you will. I was on the varsity team in each sport—Councilmember in every club. I was finally recognized for my art, my singing voice, my writing. I was named most outstanding freshman at the end of the year ( although being the one chosen of the 32 of my classmates may not be that big of a feat -it sure felt great). I was riding high in the small town fame train. The thing was, I wasn't doing enough. I wasn't meeting my high standards. I needed to do more to be the slightest bit proud of myself. Everyone gave me the attention and credit I always wanted, but I didn't feel like I deserved it because attaining these things felt easy to me.

I have always thought this stemmed from growing up with my parents being entrepreneurs. Since I can remember, they owned a bar, a restaurant, then added a supper club and bowling alley combo to the mix. All the while, both my mom and dad were realtors, ran several different side businesses, investments, and ran a small print shop inside of my dad's accounting office - which was his full-time, foundational job. Being that I was young while they were running and growing these different ventures, I was raised having to work for what I wanted in any setting throughout my entire childhood and adolescence - which then led into my adulthood. I am eternally grateful for growing up this way. It has helped me develop a business-like mindset in growing and building any artistic endeavor into something I can make into a living. This especially was when my parents shed their prior Variety of ventures and put all their guns on one specific opportunity that came their way - independent pharmacy. Starting when I was eight, my parents took on a small chain of five independent pharmacy chains. Now, eighteen years later, I have built that chain to be 72 stores strong and have molded them to become the evolution of healthcare in America in proactive and preventative health. In growing with the business, I was also able to work in all different departments such as accounting, gift buying, distribution, within the pharmacy, in marketing - you name it. My first jobs were sweeping, breaking down boxes, filing invoices, being a cashier, and a coffee counter attendant inside my hometown's store before turning the ripe age of twelve.

Because I've had to work for everything my entire life, just being given something never felt like I earned it, even though I had, in a way, with the efforts I put in before getting me there. Therefore, the pressure I was putting on myself was ultimately morphing me into my own worst enemy my sophomore year. It got to the point where I hated myself no matter how well I was doing in others' eyes. This was the first time I was truly and deeply depressed and contemplating ending my life. That summer, after my sophomore year, I was set to travel to six different European countries through a student ambassador program doing community service and learning about those places' daily life and customs. I'd be traveling with 29 other students my age from around Wisconsin. I didn't know any of them before our adventure except for seeing them in a few meetings we had in the months leading up to leaving. We were gone for about a month without our friends or family - or anything we knew, in places we'd never been or experienced, and without a doubt, that trip saved my life.

I could get to know myself without any impression to uphold because I didn't know anyone. I was able to ask and be aware of questions and what the world and my words meant to me without holding back. I understood who I was and fall in love with myself again and become my own best friend. Being in places of learning and growing where no one knows you allow you to realize just what makes you feel alive and how you're unique. That trip showed me how much singing meant to me. How much people and learning their stories meant to me—how incredible the world was and the eternal possibility of connection and beauty. I felt like magic - being one with myself, the Earth, others, and the depth of the history of each place we discovered and how it blended with the depth of ourselves. I went back to finish my years of high school with resilience, confidence, being proud of my progress, and most of all, and most importantly, enjoying the process and having fun. This ties back into how going back to who I was as a child, the healing through travel after my sophomore year of high school, and how much it helped me to grow in the years after that, is what ultimately helped me to heal after my depressive state my sophomore year of college.

I first traveled to the Cannes film festival, where I interned with an international film sales company that I worked for before graduating, leading me back to France two years later. Still, we'll get back to that later, as that's the turning point in my story. Then, later in the summer, I went to Iceland with my friends from high school to visit our classes' foreign exchange students and one of my very best friends to this day. Finally, to begin my junior year back at college, I was lucky enough to be chosen to be a jury member for a high school film festival in Croatia. All of these different perspectives and journeys into the business and myself helped me further realize who I was as an artist, and most of all, who I was as a person, had me shifting what I wanted my future to consist of.

It wasn't until later into my junior year of college, during our experimental film class, where one of our assignments was to create our "artist manifesto," that I came up with what would be a part of my future and when a portion of my true passion came to light. I was sick of being told what you look like is most important instead of what your mind holds. I was fed up with the idea of needing to bow down to people who treated others with disrespect and cruelty to keep a job or be hired. I craved change for women and artists who wanted to be able to create their own stories and use their voice doing what they loved compared to depending on others for roles or "opportunities," that were shallow, influenced by their bodies, or vast misconceptions behind the depth of being a human - of being a woman. Therefore I created an idea, which would eventually become a platform and blog called Vagabond et Virtuosa with the sole mission of creating visual content for women that allowed them to tell their stories by being exactly who they were and who they wanted to be or explore - not what others expected of them. Furthermore, this concept would be incorporated worldwide with the freedom of building and creating from anywhere - not just LA or Chicago, or New York.

This idea and passion struck such a powerful light in me after I created that experimental manifesto film, with footage from over the years that I've filmed of dancers, actresses, singers, poets, and friends from all around the world, whether it was on the beach celebrating a birthday, in the mountains, or on the sea. My manifesto was a voiceover bringing light to the beauty of them smiling and doing their thing - the thing that they loved and depth and majesty behind them being themselves in every step they lived in life.

What about making movies, though? What about my stories? What about my music and singing? What about my dreams and my vision? Well, as I stated before, I was working for the same international film sales company that I interned for at the Cannes film festival before I graduated. While finishing up my senior year and working there, something still didn't feel right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't feel like I was on the right path.

I was graduating with a double concentration in screenwriting and directing. If you wanted your screenplay circulated to production companies, you needed a literary agent - or if you had a direct link with a producer, even better. The primary way to get a literary agent to think of representing you or a producer to look at your work, you'd have to win or get into international festivals. The same thing if you're a director. So far, I've only had a pilot I wrote end up as a semi-finalist, and a short film of mine got me nominated as a "best student director" and into a few other festivals. These results took years to get, and as many query letters as I sent out with a logline, I never got anyone to bite. Therefore, on an assignment to create a presentation and write a paper on whose career I wanted to emulate, I went back to my roots of wanting to be an author first and chose Stephen King and J.K. Rowling. They could get their whole stories out into the world and enjoyed thoroughly for what they were by readers everywhere, compared to just a blueprint read by a production team.

Furthermore, I decided I'd adapt the screenplays I already wrote into self-published novels and use the analytics depending on their success to work and land a literary agent. The same went to gain the interest of a producer. If there was a story I could only see as a screenplay, I'd write it to ensure I could make the movie myself with as minimal funding as possible. I graduated the woman I wanted to become and left behind any negativity or thought I needed to be something I wasn't to achieve my dreams.

The day after I turned my tassel into a new chapter of life, I was on a plane to Cannes once again, but this time I got to go as an employee and get paid all the while. As I mentioned, though, my intuition was telling me that the path of "working in the industry for years, making connections, and hopefully someone will read your screenplay and miraculously let you direct your movie" wasn't for me - and boy, the signs, though morbid, were clear. First, while still in Los Angeles, a man had an epileptic seizure right beside me within the gate to board. That was the first time he'd had one in fifteen years. Then, while I was in Cannes, I saw a man get hit by a car while riding his bicycle at night. The car fled. The taxi I was in pulled over to the man who was lying unconscious on the curb. I was in the backseat, and he was looking directly at me while his body was working to keep him alive.

Being surrounded by these situations so close together told me that life is too precious and could be taken away at any moment, so don't waste a second of it doing anything that doesn't set your soul on fire.

When I got back to LA, I quit my job. I loved the team there, but they said I was making the right choice on actually taking action on my dreams compared to waiting for them to come my way. So I started working for making educational video content for my family's company - that chain of independent pharmacies I was telling you about, all the while writing and working on my following projects. This allowed me to travel back home every few months to shoot different segments then spend the next two editing them together. Since learning about supplements that go hand in hand with natural chemical reactions in your body that can help to get you off prescriptions, as well as being immersed in what the current healthcare system is in the United States, understanding proactive and preventative wellness, and practicing Ayurveda and yoga - I had and have never been healthier in my life. This created a passion for educating the general public on how they can become healthier and live happier and more fulfilling lifestyles.

When the pandemic hit in 2020, I decided to move back home to my little Wisconsin town for good. Over that summer, I went through a profound transcendence into who I was meant to become. In being back in nature, I learned more about astrology, manifestation, introspection and intuition, appreciation for the Earth, and how to visualize goals and dreams into becoming my reality. I also learned to finally and fully trust the process of life and that all things happen for a reason and are blessings.

I found out I was pregnant in March of 2021 with the love of my life as her father. It was with her in mind that I officially decided that a life of freedom in making a living was my only option, and I was going to make sure I could prove to her that you can make your dreams come true over and over again. I would make sure I would get to make my hours and work from wherever in the world to ensure I spent as much time with her as possible while helping and watching her grow from wherever. I was going to make sure I was doing all I love, to prove to her that she never has to settle for what society says is impossible or possible. I was going to make sure she knew she was my priority and that love and kindness and hard work, an open mind, and our health are the keys to a positive, fulfilling, and peaceful life. She is the lighthouse to how I will monetize my passions into a life we're all meant to live.

I've decided to start my podcast and YouTube channel called "Medicine for the Muses," which revolves around how entrepreneurial and independent female artists of all mediums can live a healthier, more fulfilling lifestyle through travel, history, understanding the unknown, and storytelling while also making a living doing what they love. I educate on all I've learned in both running a business and how to succeed throughout the multiple aspects of the entertainment industry I've been immersed in, as well as proactive, preventative, holistic, and natural healthcare practices that I've learned through working with my family's pharmacies. Finally, and especially with all I've learned this last year through manifestation, I will also touch on different ways to draw in the life those envision for themselves through astrology and Earth's energy. On the YouTube Spectrum, I will also be posting vocal covers, originals, music videos, and other entertaining visual content that I've created.

In reaching this very specific audience, I'll already have a base for those who would be interested in the books I write when they come on sale, audiobooks I record, movies I make and distribute on streaming platforms, albums I independently record and release, and courses I create going more in-depth with certain subjects. Not only this, but I'd create different tiered memberships ranging in price that would include exclusive educational videos based on a monthly theme that revolved around each base topic of discussion, PDF journal prompts, a bi-weekly group coaching call via zoom, a chance to have a one-on-one coaching call through a top-tiered raffle, discount codes to courses as they are created, as well as the option to opt into a subscription box, which would have branded merchandise, a physical monthly progress booklet, as well as an efficacious nutraceutical to give a try based on the health education segment that month.

With online opportunities nowadays, it almost seems foolish not to share your gifts and pursue all of your passions - even if they are just for fun. But, if you can make a living off of one aspect of who you truly are, then any route is worth taking.

Looking back to my inner child and being honest with each other, healing, and creating a life full of nothing but possibility and magic for my daughter, who will, in three months, be Earthside, is my goal. A life where nothing but love - love for family, love for what you do and the purpose and mission behind it, as well as gratitude for each moment you're alive, all that you have, the air you breathe, and the beauty of life itself. This is my ultimate passion, purpose, and mission in this life - and I will connect to those I'm meant to, and hopefully inspire others to create the life they've always dreamed of, being exactly who they are and who they were always meant to be, along the way.