My Journey To Me

In 2006, 16 years ago, at age 27, on a sunny Saturday, I took a day to myself, plugged in my laptop, got comfy on my shared couch, in my West Hollywood rental, and typed out my priorities and goals for the future.

I asked myself 15 questions.

1. What kind of person do I want to be?

2. What do I want to accomplish individually as a person?

3. What do I want to accomplish in a career?

4. What are my strengths as a person?

5. What are my weaknesses as a person?

6. How can I improve on my weaknesses?

7. How can I use my strengths?

8. What are my strengths and talents in my work?

9. What are my weaknesses in my work?

10. How can I improve on my weaknesses?

11. How can I use my strengths?

12. What are my career options at this point?

13. What in my past experience can I glean from to advance my career?

14. What are the larger steps that I can take to get where I want?

15. What are the small steps that will get me where I want?

Ambitious, I know. Don’t worry, I only answered questions one through five that day. The others I have answered to myself over the years, but haven’t documented along the way.

You're probably on pins and needles right now, eager to ask the all important question, "Why are you writing this?” I’m writing this in answer to a set of new questions I posed to myself recently:

“What good does career mapping do?

Given my current situation, how has my end goal changed?” and my follow up question:

“Do I really know what I want and if I’m honest with myself about what I really want, am I willing to work for it / or keep working for it?”

“But tell me, Emily, who are you writing this essay for?” you might ask. Good question. First, and foremost, as with any navel-gazing focused writing exercise of this ilk, I’m writing it for me. While it’s mainly a selfish endeavor, that I hope will leave me with a new found sense of purpose; I also hope that it will help others at a crossroads in their careers pull some useful tools while assessing their next steps, or maybe others at the beginning of their careers might find comfort knowing the struggle continues, or maybe others at the end of their careers can giggle at my self-made mire of self-doubt and shake their wise heads in pity, feeling happy they’ve made it through the gauntlet, to a well-earned retirement. Ultimately, I hope that after I work through to the end of the essay, that I will gain a greater understanding of who might best be served by this effort and how.

What I hope is apparent, is that the questions that I asked myself those 16 years ago, on my couch in West Hollywood, give insight into a state of mind that deeply intermingled life and career goals vs. life goals and career goals. While, over the years, we have enjoyed telling ourselves as a culture that life and careers can be either balanced or unbalanced, but always either separate or all-consuming, I think I have always seen them as symbiotic in nature. One affecting the other intentionally or unintentionally at all times because there is only one human experiencing them both at the same time. How I have handled my personal life and career life has evolved based on different internal and external factors added to the mix along the way. I would like to say that my identity isn’t wrapped up in my career, but so much of my life experience as an adult has included a career that my identity is deeply affected by my career as much as it is affected by my personal life experiences as both often take up equal amounts of time and space in my lived reality. This has been both helpful and unhelpful depending on the circumstances.

With that in mind, we go back to the beginning, which was more like the middle, on my couch in West Hollywood, 16 years ago, to answer the question at the top of everyone’s mind:

“What prompted you to take this deep dive into your personal assessment and life plan at 27?”

To be honest, I don’t exactly remember. However, I have memories, impressions of experiences and exposures that I think could be possible reasons for this impulse to self-assess and create a vision for my life. I have listed a few situations that I think might have been the strongest influencers.

1. I was sort of at a crossroads of my early career, having found myself in a space that I hadn’t planned on, forcing me to consider a directional shift from one profession to another
2. I was 27, a year older than I was when I split from the husband I married at 19 and listing almost everything as a self-imposed sort of therapy to make sense of my situation and who I was, alone in a foreign space
3. My work had sent me to a professional development workshop where we worked on our “personal mission statements” which sent my mind reeling
4. This is just what I do. I have always been ambitious, organized and overly self-reflective, however not always self-aware.

About 6 years ago, 10 years after writing these goals, I found this list in an old folder in google drive and naturally looked to see how I was measuring up. My reaction was positive in that I felt I had made progress along the lines of what I had mapped out for myself. When I read my list to my husband, who met me 3 years into this plan, he asked if I was disappointed in myself for not following through on my goals. I was obviously very hurt by this comment, but I also realized that my definition of reaching goals and his definition of reaching goals may not be the same. No, I don’t follow this extensive and very anal list of things to do daily and weekly and monthly, BUT, I do try and I feel that in many ways I have actually accomplished many of these by creating new positive habits over the years. His comment did make me think and I still ponder what ways I could have or could communicate more clearly, the way in which I was approaching these goals so that he would have understood my excitement in thinking I had stuck to the plan. I think what happened is that I was gentle with myself in my expectations for growth, but steady in my intent to achieve the outcomes as I understood them to be, not necessarily as I wrote them. In short, these types of goal lists are personal and really not to be shared with others to judge via their lenses created by their life experiences and expectations. If we can improve our habits in very simple ways over time, we can be confident that positive change is possible, goals are achievable and progress can always happen. We can’t expect perfection, we can’t strive for perfection, but can we strive to be better.

When I look back at this list, it is obvious that I’m not the same person I was at 27. My husband’s comment was relevant because he also knew me as a different person from the one who was writing these goals. Now, at 43, in my office chair, in Boise, Idaho, 900 miles away from my old couch in West Hollywood, the relevant question for you to ask is, “What is prompting you to take this deep dive into your personal assessment and life plan…again?”

1. I’m 43, happily married for 13 years with an 11 year old boy, and a 10 year old girl and 3 years out from uprooting our family from Los Angeles to Boise, Idaho for a slower, more intentional life for ourselves and our children.
2. My work had sent me to a professional development workshop where we worked on our “personal mission statements” which sent my mind reeling
3. I have a *“gut” feeling that speaks to me that I’m not in the right place or something is missing or a feeling that there’s another avenue to explore in which I can find fulfillment with the priorities and skills I now have vs the priorities and skills I had in the past.
4. This is just what I do. I have always been ambitious, organized and overly self-reflective, however not always self-aware

So, here we are. You ask again, "Why are you still writing this?”

I need think I need to back up some more.

In 2019 my husband was given an opportunity to be a partner in an Architectural firm in Boise, Idaho. Considering the much lower living expenses and our hopes of providing a safe space for our young children, we decided to uproot ourselves from Los Angeles and relocate to Boise. This meant I had to leave my position and the trajectory of my career in Los Angeles. I jumped at the opportunity, feeling completely burnt out at the time. I had an amazing opportunity to take a sabbatical with my children and start over brand new.

For 6 months, during our packing, purchasing of a new house, and moving to Boise, I got to be just a mom. For the first time in my adult life…no, my life since I was 16, I didn’t have a job. I was not bringing in income. I was only expected to be me as a mom and wife. It was magical. I was able to read a whole series of books, relax and get a summer tan and get to know my children. I reconsidered what I wanted to do. Should I get back into music? Could I make an income teaching voice and piano? Could I even still sing? Should I consider continuing on my career path? I really didn’t want to get back into museums as an educator again. I was tired of that path and wanted to expand my knowledge to “experience in all aspects of Arts Administration” and I was missing parts of that full breadth of knowledge. During the move, I did apply to jobs in Boise. I actually applied to 18 different jobs for which I felt I was quite qualified, but was turned down by every single one. I took it as a sign to rest and so I did.

Eventually, we realized that I would have to get a job to bring in the income we needed. I looked briefly and saw a position at the local Science Museum and applied and got it. Here I was again, in Education. But there was a new challenge: STEM. I embraced this new job and really enjoyed it. I was able to make the changes to the departmental structure that I wanted, I was learning all about STEM education. If you’ve made it this far, you’ll notice that my mind is somewhat analytical, so science is a great fit. I really enjoyed learning the ins and outs of coding, material science, paleontology and earth science and I was growing and making a positive impact then, 6 months later, the pandemic hit.

Oh, boy. Doesn't everyone have a doozy of a pandemic story? It was a global trauma inducing fustercluck for all of us. I thought about skipping this completely and jumping to the current year, but I feel that this helps to fill in the gaps. (You're welcome to skip ahead if you'd rather not hear yet, another pandemic sob story) My husband and I were caught in the net of those having to work from home AND be the assistant teacher to their children in their online studies. I lost 90% of my staff due to cuts and was frantically trying to keep my department alive and myself employed while suffering a significant drop in pay. My husband lost his higher paying job suddenly and after utilizing our 3 months of emergency savings, we were forced, with my tiny non-profit pay and his small bits of income from prospective new clients, to get our family's food from our local food bank and suspend mortgage payments. That afforded us 3 months to get our selves together and work out a real plan of action. I spent my weeks working, teaching, mothering, cleaning, and planning meals with random food pantry donations. At the worst time, I received feedback from my non-parent colleagues that I was slacking and using my children as an excuse not to work, knowing nothing of the overtime hours I was putting in. Eventually, my husband started his own architecture firm and got some great clients whose checks cleared just in time to start paying back our mortgage payments at the end of our 3 month grace period. We were privileged to have some inherited, high valued, lake-front property that we sold at just the right time to get fully back on our feet. The kids went back to school, we were able buy our own groceries and donate above and beyond what we had utilized in groceries back to the foodbank. I got some additional staff and we were on the way to normal by the summer of 2021. But we had been deeply wounded psychologically as so many others. We were over eating, over drinking and our anxiety and depression levels were still dangerously high as we continued to live in a survival mind set, fearful of unexpected change around every corner.

In January of 2022 I joined the Boise Phil Master Chorale as a way to work through a build up of pandemic anxiety and depression and get back to my musical core. I also began working out in earnest and taking control of my diet and overall physical and mental health. After a month of singing with the chorale, I auditioned and got a duet part for our Spring concert! I can still sing! The initial shock of getting back into a professional level musical group was hard, but passed very quickly. I found my groove and was able to finish out the season with Beethoven’s 9th, feeling full of joy at how far I had come since the beginning of the year. I look forward now to another season of singing next year. Maybe I’ll even audition for the opera chorus or some solo work to keep my musician-self satiated. With my mental and physical health in better check, life in general became more manageable. I was able to voice concerns and get concessions at work that made it more plausible to continue in my work at the museum and feel fulfilled and appreciated. But there was still a part of me that felt like I’m not quite in the right place.

Here we are, Summer 2022 and I’m at a new crossroads.

Be careful what you wish for, right? This summer, my husband and I decided to utilize 7 years worth of saved up airline miles on our credit card to take our family on a 10 day vacation to England. I spent February through May planning every detail of the trip and everything we did was in preparation for our special holiday. A few days before we left, I got an email from the director of a local art museum asking me out for coffee. We met at 7am the morning we were scheduled to fly out on our holiday. The meeting was a proposition as to whether I would like to work at her institution. Eeek! I was being poached! I left the meeting happy that I had a fantastic 2 weeks of vacation to ponder the offer between sites and train rides. Here is my chance to get a hold of that last piece of the puzzle. A chance to take on a position that would provide me with the experience that could be the final trajectory towards my end goal, set so many years ago, on that couch in West Hollywood.

I hesitated though. Why? Because I felt bad for leaving. Because it’s a small city and I don’t want to burn any bridges. I also feel bad because I literally was in the middle of hiring a new staff member to complete my tiny Education team. This possibility loomed over my interviews as I wondered if this person could take over my position in the interim or even long term? What would it look like to hire a new staff and then drop the mic and head off to a new position?

But, I checked myself. Here I am again, as I have so many times before,

1. Over thinking the situation,
2. Using fear of hurting others feelings as a reason to stay,
3. Over valuing the institution's reliance on me, personally, to be in this position.

No, this is my life and my trajectory and this is a chance to expand and grow as a person and a professional. Just think of what a great executive leader I could be in the future with such a broad scope of experience to bring to the table; The additional empathy and understanding of the roles of my staff that I could bring to my leadership. What about my children? This might take up more time away from them when they still very much need their mother to be available? But the higher paycheck might make it easier for me to provide them with the care they need in addition to me.

I turned down the position. Not (entirely) because I felt bad, but because I set a non-negotiable with myself. That non-negotiable was my time. I couldn’t be expected to work at an office from 8am-5pm with additional night and weekend responsibilities with the pay they were offering. It could seem like a silly non-negotiable, but my time is why I moved to Boise and I wasn’t going to go back to building myself back up for burnout. I felt free, and continued to work contentedly but…

That nagging was still there. That feeling that I should do more. There was something inside of me trying to break free, but I couldn’t find the tools I needed to let it out.

So I was scrolling Facebook one night alone in my bed, while my husband recovered from Covid in our basement apartment, and I actually turned on the volume to a video I scrolled past. It was a career coach and EVERYTHING she was saying was speaking directly to me. I listened again and I cried because she hit the nail on the head of what was happening to me. My soul had died. I was soullessly pursuing what I thought was what I was supposed to be doing. Nope, we’re not going into what killed my soul, that’s for my therapist.

So, I did what I had promised myself I would never do. I filled out the request for a follow up call from her career coaching recruitment team. They called it a “clarity” call. It was so against how I had trained myself to interact with offers on the internet that I felt like I was a teenager sneaking out of the window at 2am.

The next day I actually answered the call and talked to the recruiter and then I did the absolute craziest thing! I signed up and even paid money for a 12 week career coaching program. I didn’t even talk to my husband! It was A LOT of money. I didn’t ask for permission. I just did it. Because I had to.

I sat at the edge of my husband’s Covid-bed that evening and in tears, explained what I had done and why I had done it. He calmly listened and without question, supported me. (He unfortunately couldn’t hug me because he had Covid, but he would have.) It was time for change and I was investing in me.

Whew!

I was going to wait until the end of the 12 weeks to share my new self as a triumphant ending to my story. However, I've already changed. It's been 4 weeks and I'm a different person. I'm still in transition to finding my greatness, but my mindset has shifted and I can see a positive future ahead of me.

I am forgiving my past, completely. I am waking up early, every morning, with gratitude, intention openness and love. I am recycling the old negative energy into more energy towards sharing my real self to the world. I am keeping my body strong, working out every day, watching what I eat, guarding my thoughts and my words. I have published 15 stories on Vocal since I started this change. My singing voice is better than it has ever been. I'm not taking things personally or worrying what others are going to think. And if I do, I have the tools to stop, rewind and start again. I'm sharing myself with my husband and my children more than I ever have and receiving positive results. I'm re-introducing my higher self to the outside world and loving it.

I've had set backs, and I know I will continue to face challenges. I still, thankfully, have 8 weeks left of my program to continue growing and learning from other women in my same situation.

"But, Emily", you ask, "what about your goals from the couch in West Hollywood? Are they gone now?"

They're bigger, brighter and more amazing now. I've always been on the right path, and all my experiences have led to these experiences, and these experiences will prepare me for the next chapter and so on. I look forward to continuing my journey now with renewed vigor and determination. Not only am I now a different person than I was at 27, I'm now a different 43 year old than I was one month ago, and still growing.

I leave you now with some book & podcast suggestions to begin or continue your own journey to you:

1. Ruiz, D. M. (2001). The four agreements. Amber-Allen Publishing.
2. Dispenza, J., & Boyce, A. R. (2014). Breaking the habit of being yourself: how to lose your mind and create a new one. [U.S.]: Encephalon.
3. Elrod, Hal (2012) The miracle morning: The not-so-obvious secret guaranteed to transform your life (Before 8am). [U.S.]: Self-Published
4. The Hidden Brain Podcast, Shankar Vedantam, NPR.I am an avid fan and listen to this podcast religiously, but I especially recommend Episodes:

• "Reframing Your Reality: Part 1,7/18/22 & Part 2, 7/25/22,
• "You 2.0: Befriending Your Inner Voice" 8/1/22,
• "You 2.0: How To See Yourself Clearly" 8/8/22,
• You 2.0: The Mind's Eye" 8/13/22

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