Memories: 6 November 2023

6 November 2023

6 November 2022

Bobo is laughing because I finally sat down on the couch. I worked hard all day sanding back another staff. Oh my. It was insane.

Rachel Walsh: Tanya Arons ~ He's so beautiful, my two come with me and they sit under the desk with me., when I am enjoying some free time. 💗✨🌈

Bregje Tit: This has a Muppet Showy atmosphere 🤣😍

Me: Bregje Tit we both look a bit “Animal” but I can guarantee I don’t have my hand up his ….

Bregje Tit: Tanya Arons fortunately we can see where your hand is 😂

Me: Bregje Tit my neighbour Peter comes past every day to regale me about little Miss Koko’s anal gland treatments.

Today I told him, “can you talk about her other attributes…like her perfectly formed, sharp and freshly cleaned teeth, or her poodle coiff, or her silky long ears?”

Koko just smiled at me in gratitude that I have her back. It’s embarrassing all this tochas talk!

Beauregard: “Motherrrrr….you forgot to brush our hair again…..”

Me: “ahhhh yeahhh….fuck it!”

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I rang Crystal and left a Happy birthday song on her answering service. She is in a play so probably sleeping this morning. She has a pattern of avoiding me on her birthday in recent years. (Usually goes camping with her friends!) so I let it roll off my shoulders like the orgasms I rarely had with her father.

What a waste of my sexuality all of that really was. I deserved a man that loved me and children that value and adore me. But it was what it was.

I had a visit this morning from Peter with little Koko. She lay back in my arms and smiled with her newly cleaned sharp white teeth. Peter was delighted so took photos of her bright smile to show Robyn how great her teeth look.

Koko lolled back my arms like a stuffed toy. Jokingly I quipped “Koko, are you a toy or a real dog?” She replied by flicking her loving poodle tongue right at my mouth à la francaise! I grimaced but giggled. “How very French Koko, but yes, you are definitely a real dog!” We both had to laugh.

I had a long chat to my friend Nigel in NZ last night. We laughed about so many of my old antics. He is a lovely man who takes the time to call me fairly regularly.

I also just caught my young Scottish neighbour quietly watching me where I am sitting in the back of my garden with my gorgeous mad little bird. I suppose I must look very strange at times, suffused in love and light with only my dog and bird for company. But this is my happiness: hardwon and I am grateful and satisfied with it.

Anyway, Happy 37th Birthday to my daughter out in the world somewhere! I didn’t go dancing last night (or Friday either!) Too exhausted. But I am enjoying the beautiful sunny day today. Living in grace in incremental monumental memories. Holding space.

6 November 2021

Feeling very isolated. My daughter’s birthday. Hmmm. What is the point of my life anyway?

I slept most of the day, lying in my hammock. Mentally and physically exhausted from my burst of creativity in recent days. I am never going to make it in this life. It’s too hard. Especially with the chronic isolation.

But I must say being alone is still preferable to being with psychic vampirising drainers. Sadists. False people.

At least I was suffused in love by my dog and bird today. That’s something.

Lynda Rae: Funny how our messages come... this was right below your comment Tanya, I hope it gives you strength...

Me @ Lynda Rae: thanks Lynda. I am indeed extremely proud of myself having survived so much horror in my life.

Holding the line means the few remaining people I love are drifting. I hope it’s not the vaccine but one can never know.

I have considered getting dressed in my usual “regalia” and going dancing tonight. But I can’t be arsed being forced to wear a fucking mask at the treasury casino which literally made my chest worse last time.

My lungs are still bad from the mosaic dust I inhaled last week. Probably why I am So utterly exhausted from The lack of oxygen too.

Tom Sheridan 11 in the video I just posted, recommends people rediscover their innate creativity. Which I have been doing since before Covid hit.

I have been avoiding usual life (crowds, shopping centres, dancing) by staying home and making ridiculous absurdist things that don’t even generate income.

But even my psychiatrist is proud of me as what I am doing is deeply life affirming, soul nourishing and although isolating in my home, keeps me relatively safe from the zombie apocalypse outside my walls.

I do miss dancing though. It was also exhausting and draining each weekend but by the gods I “flew” even and especially, while surrounded by enemies.

Maybe I should get ready and go out. My own little Berserker rebellion?

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I revoke all vows of poverty and chastity to the tenth generation before me and to the tenth generation ahead of me.

I release all contracts with souls that are not for my highest good and/or are deleterious to my comfort and ease.

I invite true love, happiness, prosperity, good health and peace to enter the void left by cruel and shallow people and their evil accompanying Dybbukim. And so it is. Amen v’selah.

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Charley’s acting weird, doing the squatting thing which means she wants to lay an egg.

I just had an awesome cuddle with little Koko.

I rang Crystal to sing her Happy Birthday. She is camping in the mountains somewhere with friends. They are making her breakfast. She had to go but said “thanks for calling!” I replied drily “Cheers fanx a lot”.

I had to laugh at how I am marginalised in tiny trivialised ways. But meh…what else is new? I will let it roll off my back. I had a good day working in jewellery most of the day yesterday so will rest today (it’s Shabbat and my lungs are not good today). Enough is enough.

I enjoyed my morning cuddles with Koko who loves me unconditionally as all dogs do!

6 November 2020

Happy 35th Birthday to my daughter Crystal. :-)

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6 November 2019

11:11 pm. Laila Tov!

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Happy 34th Birthday to Crystal Natalia Arons. I rang her to sing her Happy Birthday and she was on a boat to Tangalooma Island. So lovely!

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6 November 2018

Happy Birthday to my beautiful talented amazing daughter. Crystal Natalia Arons. Love you greatly!

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I did not bet on the Melbourne cup. So if a horse wins called Douglas MacArthur I will be very disappointed in my lack of obeying spirit visitors. Lmao. On the other hand I am opposed to the abuse of horses.

There is no guarantee that “Black Douglas” correlates with a horse named Douglas MacArthur anyway. I was merely thinking laterally and I still have no idea what that Scottish warrior/colleague of Robert The Bruce was trying to inform me when he appeared, clear as day, beside my bed.

If nothing else, his visitation proved only that for the first time in my life I have “seen” a spirit, rather than feeling or on rare occasions hearing them or having them throw things around the room or bang on my front door or most irritating of all having them Scare the shit out of potential partners. Lol. My G-d is a Jealous G-d...indeed.

Anyway he was determined that I See him (I looked away back to watching my Gaia show trying to avoid the new reality but he stayed long enough and gifted me his Warrior’s nickname.

So Sir James Douglas...what the fuck was that all about, innit? Lol.

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6 November 2017

On this day, 32 years ago I gave birth to Crystal Natalia Arons. It was a difficult birth and we did not bond immediately. I had had so many drugs and so much interference, (forceps delivery, 30 stitches, and epidural plus a husband that was barely supportive (he was sent home by the midwives to sleep as he was being emotionally abusive).

Crystal had been in a transverse position (lying sideways across my womb instead of head down arse up). She had been turned 3 times. She stubbornly refused to assume the correct position.

When she was finally pushed out of my body I was so surprised and grateful she was free that I just said “OMG, it’s Crystal Natalia Arons!” For some stupid reason I had thought both my children were going to be male. I was relieved they were not. But my family curse prevailed upon us.

Wild tempestuous wilful bright talented females in our maternal line for 5 generations. 6 if you count a great niece that my sister and niece refused to let me come to NZ to meet.

So terrified that the poor kid might turn out like me. (I hope she does! I hope she is strong and clever and fierce and gives those nasty bastards heaps!)

Anyway Crystal lived up to her name (a name chosen by Gisela for our love of crystals and sparkly things). When they put her on my belly I saw the deepest bluest eyes that bore into my soul. Crystalline clear and so beautiful.

I thought, ‘here she is! My little witch. Another Wise One in the family line’. But they took her and put her in her crib and I was so woozy I forgot I had had a baby.

A few hours of sleep later, there was a distant sound of crying. I was so stoned, it sounded like it came from down the corridor.

A cleaning woman with a strong foreign accent (Eastern European) stood beside my bed. I was still paralysed down one side as the epidural had not worn off.

“Your baby is crying! Oh she is soo beautiful. Are you going to pick her up?” I shook my head, barely awake or conscious. “May I pick her up? She is so beautiful! I can’t wait to have my own child!”

I nodded vaguely. Not even caring too much one way or the other that a stranger was about to take my baby in her arms. It takes a village to raise a child. I was lost in a foggy tunnel of pain and drugs.

She picked her up and I saw the look of maternal radiance pour across her face. “Oh look, just look! She is perfect!” I nodded and squeezed out a smile.

A nurse bustled in, looking angry. “Your baby has been crying. Are you going to hold her?”

“Well yes, I suppose so, but you see, I don’t know how?” The nurse snatched my child from the cleaning lady’s arms and I saw the look of sadness and loss cross her face.

I said “Don’t worry sweetheart, I bless you to be a mother. You are a natural mother and so it shall be!”

The nurse cast a peremptory glare at the cleaning lady who was gently wiping away a tear. “Thank you! I pray it will be so!” Then bustled out of the room.

Crystal was placed in my arms, still radiant with the afterglow of another woman’s unconditional love. She looked deep into my eyes.

Wow! Just wow! I thought. I fell in love with that tiny little body with her angry stork’s mark that struck like a lick of fate down her forehead, red and blotchy but apart from that she was indeed exquisite!

Her eyes, the eyes of a very old soul who had come to heal the world with her gifts. Ten fingers, ten toes. Beautiful lips, cute snub nose like myself and my mother in law.

“She has your nose, Mum!” A blush and wave of the hand “No, it’s your nose!” A momentary look between us. “No, no, it is definitely Crystal’s schnozz! All hers”. We giggled, rejoicing in our shared features.

My mother ushered herself in, along with her henchman, my husband. She turned to Micheal and said “Crystal is beautiful!” “Of course” came his dull but certain reply.

I watched him slowly fall in love with her. Like the unfolding of a lotus. She brought such blissful joy to all who met her, that tiny infant who had tried to enter the world side-ways.

An acrobat in the womb and a professional Clown as an adult woman.

Gisela, Me, Hilda Crystal and baby Jasmine at her Brith Hachayim). Posting so you can compare the noses lmao!

Hard for me to look back at those photos. A different world for me back then. Wife/mother/daughter in law/daughter. Under the thumb of sociopaths. Trying hard to survive them. It was like living in a vipers’ nest. Clutching serpents to my breast.

But I lived for my children. Literally. They were the only things I fought to stay alive for. Nothing else mattered. I had brought them into this world and I struggled to make sure I was there for them.

Even in severe bouts of c-ptsd and depression so debilitating I was a zombie. Even after I left that marriage. Even after I was strangled and beaten. Even after...and so on and so on blah blah blah bloody blah.

Now I have no family but Jarrod and a few rare and precious friends who give me courage to keep holding on to this earth. This treacherous life.

For there were moments of exquisite albeit transient beauty. There were moments of blissful triumph and bounteous joys. There was my own Becoming. My goddess warrior chrysalis to crack open and set me free.

There was, is and always forever will be, the love I kept precious and poured like a translucent ambrosia into a few chosen souls. Love that was vomited up and spat back at me. Churned and spurned.

I soaked myself in the light of the Wise and golden ones. I raised myself up from despair and degradation and humiliation and fought hard against the predation. So hard my own skull cracked its own joints.

The axis of my mouth from which comes truth and wisdom borne of pain, laughter borne of childlike joy and beauty borne of true loves. The elixir of life gliding down my throat. Truth and decency. Glory and honour.

Triumphant healing. Cracking and splicing to evolve again in another paradigm. Soon....waiting for Godot and The Tanya to transmogrify. Soon enough.

Love is my Law. I shall not die without it. It shall abide in me. Wait for me. Bring me graciously Home. But not today.

I joked with my dentist upon seeing my X-rays that I have a beautiful skull and it will be a beautiful corpse. Hahah. Even with the dental implant and the crown my poor face patched together at great expense and so much pain.

Like Germaine Greer “my whole face hangs off these cheekbones”. The face of a warrior of light. A feminist and a survivor. Bitten down, beaten down but look out Motherfuckers, for I shall beat this illness back and I shall Rise again.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons

6/11/2017

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I just bathed Beauregard. I managed to clip all but 2 claws on his back hind leg before he lost his shit. That is huge progress.

He never lets me clip his claws and I have been stressing about finding the $156 for a general anaesthetic and him possibly losing brain cells (General anaesthesia is a risk). So yeah being able to clip his claws is Amazing!!!

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Walking around the hospital in a fog, I realised as I was leaving the main entrance that I double-booked my appts tomorrow. So I walked back to xray dept to change the ultrasound appt for Wednesday. Phew.

Getting my hair done tomorrow plus have to drop in on my gp to pay her for treatment last week. Will drop in the films for her as well.

My dentist is sending the reports from the X-ray etc to the specialist. So hopefully I get an appt with that person soon.

I have had a coffee and a vanilla slice so feel less woozy and am heading home to my beautiful fur family.

Looking forward to seeing Jarrod and Harvey this arvo.

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I have seen my dentist. Now waiting ....waiting...at X-ray dept to get two X-rays done then I take them straight back to my dentist so she can send them to the specialist ASAP!

Tomorrow I have booked an ultrasound to check on my bladder. A 6-hour fast tomorrow morning.

Bit by bit I will fight to resolve my health issues, or at least get to the root cause of the problem. Life. Be in it! That is my problem! Lol! But I hope to get better and better.

I have many good things, I might still enjoy at least for a few more years. That is, I am not giving up on the formidable Tanya just yet!

6 November 2016

The evening is cooling rapidly after the afternoon intense heat. Phew. I can breathe again.

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Today marks my elder daughter Crystal Natalia Arons 31st birthday. Amazing. So many years ago. I still remember it vividly. Giving birth (and labour) is such a peak emotional/spiritual/physical experience.

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Craving ginger beer.

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Bobo is acting out after last night's party with Terrie, Jenny and Rhiannon. He peed on the kitchen floor. I just found poo in the bathtub. He was so confused by being surrounded by loud rambunctious women last night. Haha!

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It is hot today. So my joints in my fingers ache and I have knots of muscular pain in my back. I feel depleted from the heat.

I need water. So will have a shower and drink plenty water as well. Really really need Byron Bay.

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My crazy neighbour has started another fire. What a smell! As if it isn't hot enough without having to deal with smoke fumes. Idiot! I got outside in time, after hearing the crackling to see he had doused it with a garden hose. Must have been caused by one of the kids. I smelt electrical wiring burning yesterday too. Not sure if that was them as well.

Oh well. All seems ok even though all the neighbours came out to see what was going on.

6 November 2015

This afternoon my neighbour told me that this face cost them $1400 in vet bills on 2 separate occasions. This beautiful face who never leaves my side ( Exhibit A) has been beating up their white cat named Bella so often that she now has to stay indoors.

No wonder the husband hates me. But in a way, although I am sorry that my little Angel-Demon protector Alpha Pussy has wreaked such hell on their lifestyle, it was not nice of him to piss me off over my monthly brazier fire. So now I feel bad but I have told Penny to stop the violence against their cat and stay off their front doorstep.

I told Tash twice now, to turn the hose on her if she is in their yard. She shivered and shook but water will certainly put Penny off lurking in their garden. I wonder when she had time to attack their Bella when I can vouch she has been in bed with me for weeks. The little terrorist!

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Not even for a Kit Kat and yes I do regret slamming on the brakes at the last few seconds. Really really regret it. The bastard paedophile sociopath lives and breathes but he wasn't worth the jail time. I had kids to raise too. I had to leave it to Karma and Vengeance is Mine, saith the Lord.

Well, Adonai you are very slow in your vengeance but I will be having a nice little chat with You at the Pearly Gates. (Vass? Don't Drey me a Kop already. Genug! Ich Weiss!)

Now please explain why My Adonai is stroking his really long beard, picking his teeth with toothpicks and speaking Yiddish? Last time I checked She wasn't that Frum (religious). Oy veh!

Vere oh vere is the Angel of Wrath when I need him?! Oh yes my precious, I begged him on another mission to defend and fight for survivors of child sexual abuse. I hope that one is going well.

If not for my righteous anger and my prosperity and defence and protection and true love and stuff, the angels might as well work for a greater good. Cos I am a worthless Universal Schmuck, the cracked butt joke of the cosmos, but when you are the last of the Heyoka Mugwumps losers, your superpower is you fly or fry! G-d watches and waits. Listens too.

Shema Israel. Know before Whom you Stand. Stand and deliver. Flashes Sword "En Garde"

Sorry, my warped stream of consciousness brought on by summer schvits and impending storm.

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Today is my beautiful talented gorgeous actor/clown/director/playwrite daughter's 30th Birthday.

Mind blown! I sent her Happy Birthday greetings through Skype. Miss my girl! I adore her! I wish her every success in her new life in London on 28 December.

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I have had a lovely 2 hours and 10 minutes chatting to the gorgeous Jarrod who probably has an earache by now!

I woke up still exhausted then went back to bed for 2 hours then Jarrod rang. I am sticky with sweat, sitting in the garden, over-seeing Sacred Space.

Soon there will be a very special new addition to my family. In a few months time. So excited and amazed and thrilled and delighted. Not long to wait now.

Big storm coming tonight. I know because my bones in both ankles and feet ache. Hard to walk. The skies are blue and clear at the moment. I have perked up emotionally and mentally too, so there will definitely be wild weather tonight.

Stay safe, people. The Tanya will go out if the weather is not too vicious.

6 November 2014

I had the xray on my lower jaw, where the tooth was extracted a year ago. It still hurts. I am quite worried but hopefully it will be fine.

Holding my jaw in position for the xray actually was really uncomfortable. I now have a sore ear and jaw from having to hold the position. Ouch! I have such shitty teeth. It has been one of my worst health problems since childhood.

Even my former friend Kathy Shapiro used to call me Jaws! (she reckoned I talked too much! Lmao!)

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8.43 am I have hardly slept, on some weird inexplicable high. I have just taken Mischief outside with his mother. The scrub turkey is busy scrubbing, fed the goldfish, now back in bed, with a nice cup of tea.

Debz Bell: Its weird here the only animals i see in a day is the naighbours annoying ginger thom.. you wake up feed fish feed chookies but being aust being oz you get wild turkeys wandering into your back yard you being in brisbane the occasional snaked them ugly froot bats at night and weird big green sipers that live in trees and arent you in christmas bettle season? Ow and no doubt you get the occasional possum lol\

Me: I have a "pet" possum I talk to at night, and a "pet" crow I call Ragnor which means Crow. I live in Sacred Space in perfect harmony with my little patch of planet earth. Very content and grateful to be here!

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Last night I smudged my house. I cleared months worth of texts from my iphone and instead of moving on, I am immersed in a deep love that is keeping me safely warm and deluded, psychotic and so happy. Such a powerful love as I have not felt for many years.

Meanwhile my little rooster is crowing, Penny is snuggling and I am warm and filled with possibilities.

Good Morning World! :-)

Jarrod Nielsen: Now open every window and play some loud upbeat music to get any stagnant energies moving. Dance around the house if you feel like it, it will help get those energies flowing and give you a good endorphin rush!

Me: I have been out in the garden cleaning out my worm farm. Giving some worms to the chickens and goldfish. I am on an escstatic high. I should have smudged months ago after that indian woman moved out. I can't believe how much lighter the house, and me, feels. Must have been a lot if toxic energetic build-up.

Yesss, will play music now and celebrate my new life direction (whatever that may be!)

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29 years ago, after labouring for 28 hours, a tranverse position, an epidural, turning her twice and a forceps delivery. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I ever met. Her soul shone through her big blue eyes and I knew I was in the presence of someone special.

She was born at 6.35 am in Wellington Womens' Hospital and after a grueling labour during which my young inexperienced body thought it might die, I promptly fell asleep not long after her birth.

I was woken out of a fog of nitrous oxide stone, pethidine and the residue of the epidural, by a sweet italian cleaning woman who told me my baby was crying and was I going to pick her up? She said she had tried for a baby for years and was so happy for me.

I looked at Crystal in her tiny hospital crib, the baby I knew I had to have but suddenly grew fearful. I murmured, almost in tears, "I don't know how to hold her". I was so utterly exhausted and somewhat traumatised by my body's refusal to birth normally!

The little cleaning lady said "May I?" With the light of pure maternal love in her eyes.

I nodded and she put aside her mop and gently picked up my baby, declaring her beautiful and after several minutes, cooing and cuddling, laid her in my arms.

I looked into her face with amazement. I made this little person inside my womb! I was now responsible for this tiny soul enclosed in a tiny body until adulthood.

I can honestly say I was terrified and overwhelmed by my new duty as a mother.

Now 29 years later, I can say I am proud. She is a beautiful soul still, untarnished by the hardships she endured by choosing me as the vessel of her birth.

She is talented, intelligent, amazing and no matter where she goes, or what she does, she will always, always be my baby.

Happy Birthday, Crystal!

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4.29 am. Finally in bed. With Penny. Listening to early bird calls and waiting for Mischief at the foot of my bed to crow. Hopefully I get some sleep first!

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Ironically I wrote about my 'invisible' man only to end up banned from the same pub 2 months later for asking for protection on the dance-floor. The same security guard that chased off the homeless man banned me, after calling me an ugly fat crazy bitch.

He is a psychopath and I hope he rots in hell, with his putrid evil ways. Seriously. I am sick of good kind people being persecuted simply because they care, while the cesspool dwellers rise to the top like sludge and poison every aspect of our lives.

6 November 2013

Sarah Breen sent me this photo from Sarah Birt’s Halloween party!

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Happy Birthday to my Beautiful Talented Awesome Daughter, Crystal Natalia Arons. 28 years old. Just Wow!

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Another Awesome night out! Tired but Happy. I haven't been to bed yet. Got home at 2 am. Wove my Sylvanberry vines into the fence at Dawn, as they are very thorny and were straggling onto the council strip. I picked some roses for my Boudoir and watched tv and Paltalked of course.

Now eating toast with cheese and thinking about going to sleep soon.

6 November 2012

Busy day putting together a flatpacked Chicken Coop. Thankfully Lyn arrived in the afternoon and helped me considerably in holding up side walls and helping me figure out where the pieces went. It was rather more complicated than I had thought.

I also went to see my awesome Psychiatrist for a debrief, then had my fave japanese curry at Garden City and ran into Becky Thomas. So all in all, a lovely day.

Today was my firstborn Crystal's birthday. 27 years have blipped through the Space-Time Continuun like a slight hiccup or burp. Blech and 27 years went by. No wonder I have gastritis. All that time passing me by without my cognisance. LMAO!

6 November 2011

What a delightful day on celebration of Crystal's birthday as well as Christina's!

I was so happy I chatted and laughed non-stop for most of the day so I got on everyone's last nerve! Which made me laugh even more!

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We all had a lovely long swim at Byron and on the way home went see the glow worms at Springbrook's Natural Arch which were magical as ever!

Just got home. Wow what lovely times I am finally experiencing!

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Happy Birthday to Crystal Arons. Wow 26 today! Crystal came round with Jasmine and Jarrod with a lovely Pavlova birthday cake!

6 November 2010

Tonight I watched "Sylvia" about Sylvia Plath's relationship with Ted Hughes and her subsequent suicide. I like to think she's my muse as we both have that dark sense of foreboding.

Her father was German, my mother was German. Sylvia gassed herself in her kitchen stove, so did my grandmother. Creepy the similiarities. I am not a famous writer though.

I made a huge effort to stay alive for the sake of kids though. I would never abandon them the way Sylvia did in her end. But now I wonder if I should have.

25 years ago today I brought Crystal in the world. I mean nothing to my girls. So sad but true. Maybe Sylvia was right not to hold on to life for the sake of her children. They find excuses to hate you or be indifferent to you, no matter what you do.

Well they are adults now. They have choices. So do I.

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Today I slumbered most of the day. Too tired to even go to shul. In the afternoon, I got fractious and bored and tired of being a zombie, so I took Jarrod to Wynnum to look at shops then we bought crackers and cheese and ate on the Wynnum foreshore.

The sea always soothes my nerves. Our only regret was we left our dogs at home. They would have enjoyed the walk.

6 November 2009

There ain't nothin' more powerful than the odor of mendacity...You can smell it. It smells like death. Tennessee Williams "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" There's something rotten in the state of Denmark. Hamlet, William Shakespeare. I'm poor but I'm happy...one hand flicking a peace sign. Alanis Morrissette

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Happy Birthday to my darling Crystal! 24 today, which makes me feel quite surreal if not old. The passage of Time is swift and unforgiving. That's why we have memories. Now where did I leave that cute baby? I think it was in the Bank!

6 November 2008

is tired but happy after completing going through all the paperwork...now to figure out what to do with it???

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons