Memories: 6 February 2023

6 February 2023

1.00 am I.N.S.O.M.N.I.A and itching skin cancer scars are driving me mad!

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1:11 am make a wish. I wish I could sleep. I wish I had a loyal faithful loving supportive life partner. I wish I didn’t live in a 5th generation psy-op zombie apocalypse. I wish my body wasn’t eroded by skin cancer, cptsd, depression and a slowly dying bladder.

I wish I didn’t make a fool of myself at drumming. (LOL!) I wish I could go dancing without crazy stalkers harassing me constantly. It’s getting to the point I may have to give up dancing altogether.

I wish I could generate an income so I can afford my silversmithing hobby. Or that my jewellery sold occasionally. (Without having to practically prostitute myself to suit fb /Instagram algorithms from hell as I will never force my art or my jewellery on anyone.

I wish I could be paid for my few skills and talents instead of being exploited for cyborg entertainment.

I wish I could afford to fix my car. I wish wasn’t an “entitled spoilt Bougie mama” with a Boudicca attitude, and a boogie woogie mobility and a black death mortality.

I wish my dog was not so badly behaved in public. He will have to stay home in future.

I wish I was loved and respected by the people who matter to me.

I wish I had had a safer saner life but this is what is left of it.

A South African woman at drumming yesterday afternoon came up to me at the end and told me her name was Steph and gave me a hug. I was touched and a tad surprised. I said “that’s a lovely cuddle”.

I genuinely meant it but she probably thought I was being sarcastic. But I am gratefully accepting any kindness shown me as life is short and in my case getting shorter by the minute.

I wish I could foresee a better future…but I am aware of the sadistic games still being played by an ex lover and the stalking weirdness at my dance venue and life feels…tenuous and frightening at times.

I wish it didn’t.

Interestingly the lovely affectionate South African woman was the third South African woman I have met in the past 10 days. Perhaps it is a sign that I should migrate to South Africa? I am not sure what the connection is?

I wish I knew!

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Hungry Mama T craved chips and all sorts of dangerous foods. But I am broke. So I raided my pantry and found two tins of corn so I made corn fitters, topped with the hummus I made the other day 🙂

I needed to buy bread but couldn’t be bothered venturing out in the heat.

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6 February 2020

6 February 2019

I find it fascinating that on Sunday I was telling my nephew and his friends (while swimming in the pool) the story about how I broke my wrist when I was 7, as their 7 year old son has also broken his arm.

So in the way of sympathetic magic, my wrist started hurting on Monday night (probably caused by the dampness from the bit of rain we got, aggravating my arthritis).

So yesterday, in denial about my sore feet, ankles and wrists, I forced myself to move the small pond to the back garden. It hurt like fuck and I observed how weak my wrists and arms were and struggled to carry it so ended up dragging and sliding it on the grass to minimise the pain in my hands and wrists that felt weak.

Then last night I had trouble opening bottles of milk or soda water. I had no strength at all and had to put a cloth on top for leverage.

Today my right wrist is aching and I feel really fatigued and it seems so absurd. Almost like I am being made to relive an ancient past as the pain is so consistent.

It is annoying how weak my joints are, as I still have furniture to move out of my house and take down to the kerb. But I have until February 25 to do so, so I think I will just rest for now.

I have to do things when I have rare bursts of energy and determination. It’s like riding a tsunami wave. Most of the time I wallow in the shallows as all the life force is sucked out by some giant gathering suction of a storm but when I can, I ride that bitchin’ wave all the way.

Those are my best times. When I get stuff done or when life gifts me with miraculous superhuman powers of awareness that brings its own magic.

6 February 2018

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2:15 am. I had a lovely afternoon and evening with Jarrod and Crystal. They brought me lunch and Jarrod also brought a lovely chicken curry for our dinner. Crystal cooked a big pot of rice also.

She spent most of the evening sorting through her assorted possessions and throwing some stuff out. I also let go of some linen I no longer required. Decluttering! Yayy!

We also played a bit of ukelele and sang along. Very lovely.

I was in a lot of pain all day so after trying to sleep for the past 2 hours without success, I have made myself a hot epsom salt bath to try to quell the twanging twinging nerve endings and relieve the tight muscles.

I still don’t feel any better but I suppose it is not as bad as the first 5 days of agony.

I am looking forward to a time when I am free of pain again. This is Day 11. This too, shall pass.

6 February 2017

After experiencing many many cascades of trauma, many unrequited (at best) or abusive relationships, all I can say is I am sick to the point of my own death of this shitty miserable strugggle of a life and this bullshit about lessons repeating until you learn is not helpful.

Yes patterns repeat, yes it is gruelling, cruel and awful. No, you do not always come out of it better, healthier, prosperous or loved. God knows I have tried. Some of us, just do not survive it. Some of us were put on earth for no good reason but to fucking ENDURE.

The lesson? Find true friends and authentic loves where you can. Do good by yourself and others and if life keeps throwing shit at you, let it go, with dignity and grace.

6 February 2016

My feet hurt so much! Arggghhh! In bed with a Penny who is happy to see me. Beauregard back in his crate, albeit reluctantly. Time to sleep, I guess.

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4.02 am. home. Exhausted. I had fun dancing. I checked out Sonny's House of Blues. The band was playing Stoner Rock. I caught their last 3 songs then headed with Karen back to the casino.

My favourite dj came on after the band finished. He plays good stuff unlike that god awful trance/house/psychedelic shit they are playing between sets. Which caused me to check out the other venue. I liked the vibe there at Sonnys. I will be back!

6 February 2015

3.13 am time to schluff. Hopefully I will feel better much later today. I think if I feel ok, I will go to Byron. I need the sea to heal after the wreckage of the past few weeks, months.

There are times I feel so lonely I could die and others when Solitude is the only sensible option. Get off the bus, Gus, make a new plan Stan. There must be 50 ways to leave your Lover.

My excitement and happiness with one was short-lived and the other one, the one I really love...still doesn't seem to want me.

I seem doomed to never have a true love in my life. Only cavalier sociopaths who destroy and betray me, endlessly. Same pattern, different faces.

I am sick of breathing life into empty vessels. Sick at heart for having to constantly reanimate myself from ground zero.

Time to just sit by the sea, watch the immense infinity of the horizon and remember that G-d must have something awesome left for me, or my entire existence, in this life and all other lives, has been a terrible terrible mistake or cosmic joke.

I would like to believe that G-d did not want me to suffer forever. Surely there is still some redemption for me, even now at almost 50 Lol! Here I am, bargaining with the Eternal One again. Absurd and pathetic!

Sally Castle: Remember Abraham bargained with the Eternal too. Just shows you've got spirit Tanya!

6 February 2014

6 February 2012

I had a nice day. I visited Crystal, who gave me one of her corsets to wear out on Friday night! Woohoo! We had a look around Newstead at some shops nearby.

I saw some lovely shoes but most were about $1000!! Too much for my Blood even if it is worth Bottling!

6 February 2010

Sylvia Shine: TANYA_TANYA,my heart goes out to you,to see the MITZI,i knew,then to see the picture facing me,on facebook.BE strong.I"m off to jupiters for the weekend,Adrian is giving me a wonderful few days,business class,and all the trimmings,how lucky am I?only regret can't see you in Brisbane,driving from there to Jupiters,no time for catching up.Keepo your chin up.LOVE AND MANY KISSES X X X X X X X X

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons