Memories: 5 April 2023

5 April 2023

Chag Sameach Pesach to my Jewish friends/family/community and strangers in the mist (midst!) the lapsed ones, the forgotten ones, the lonely ones, the ones still asking Why?!

May we merit to enjoy Freedom, Prosperity, Truest Deepest loves, Joy and yes…Shalom!

Enjoy your Sederim with people who love you, respect you and honour you. Sei Gesund. Much love from Mama T and the Multiverses. Xxxx

…

12.03 pm I was gonna take a bus and have a face to face appointment with my psychiatrist this arvo. But I woke up with sciatic pain which eased slightly, then got slammed with my gut. With anxiety so bad I was shaking.

So I rang his secretary back and changed it back to a telehealth appointment. I am disappointed as I knew he wanted to see me in person. But I am simply not well enough today.

I put myself under too much pressure trying to achieve things in recent months: fuelled by fear about my failing bladder, convinced that if I just work harder at things that I could take a long jump and hurdle myself into the void and perhaps fool the gods…once again.

But they are not having it…my indomitable bullshit valorous Pollyanna denialism.

So today I will sit in my garden and contemplate the goddess and chill the fuck out (if I can). I had a weird eustachian tube problem with my right ear so I think that may also be contributing to my not feeling too great in recent days.

But today I will need to stay home and stay adroit. Adroit. Shoulders back, boobs out, chin up. I got this!

5 April 2022

Trigger warning: musings of a dying woman.

11:11 am. I have been down to Carindale shopping centre, to buy washing powder and a few other items. I am weak and literally feel like I am dying. I don’t know how long this dying is going to take (almost 57 years so far!). I have pulled myself up from deep dives and the parlaying of Lady Death many times before.

But this time…feels too much. Between the constant chronic diarrhoea, the anxiety, the asthma and the chronic fatigue…I am done….

I told Crystal to come put her name on things she wants when I am dead. She thinks I am just being morbid. Avoids the reality that I have pushed my body mind and spirit past the finish line and jogged on further than I should have, given what I know about my own flagging body.

I am holding on day by day, breath by breath to absorb as much beauty in every day as I possibly can as it is all over for me…sooner rather than later.

But I must ask myself if it is really time to give in and leave this mortal coil of wonder, beauty and magick for the promise of a light body that no longer shits, or breathes or eats or holds another living creature in its arms or makes love or smells a flower or watches the sun rise and fall over the horizon.

Perhaps I will be like that moment in a movie (which movie?) where the angels stand on a beach and sing each sunrise or was it the music of the spheres that sung?

Well anyway Pragmatic defiant warrior goddess super schmuck Tanya bought 7 kgs of washing powder which she was too weak to schlep so had to use my trolley at the back of the house to drag it up to the laundry from my car!

That my friends, is a sign of an eternal optimist: I might die but the washing will keep happening. Hah!

“The life force is strong with this one..in the midst of IBS storms and a weakened body she still thinks of washing clothes and being clean and attractive and suppliant!”

Let me live long enough to have the joy and true love I always dreamed of.

“Who is she kidding?”

Only myself, spirits of Light and Smite and spite… only myself. It’s a Godotesque joke, a cosmic yoke, a carnal shitshow and a bespoke needle in the eye of every one of my enemies every time I rise up from my zombie grave and Dance and play and Sashay away.

No real love for me today…except the birds and my dog and the garden and my strength that comes from the gods.

Update: “No real love” was simply not true! I was showered with great love and affection only moments later when my neighbours visited with the children!

Just wonderful!

…

Look who surprised me with a visit just as I posted my maudlin post! I was a tad hysterical and wept with joy to see the children. My little angels brought sunshine into my life today! Sweetness!

…

1:11 pm wow. Sitting at Margot’s place as the dogs and children are playing. I fell in a deep hole hidden in the grass on our walk over here so have “princess” ice packs and resting my foot.

Feeling much loved in spite of my descent into despair.

Grateful for my Earthangels with their impeccable timing and the sweetness and miracles of life. L’Chaim! 🙂

…

Vaccine mandates are being eased as of 1 am April 14!!! I will finally be permitted to live as an equal in society. (Which quite frankly that draconian discrimination should not ever have been allowed to occur in the first place!!)

The stressors of the last two years have depleted my health anyway. Without once having caught Covid. Psy sighs.

I guess when I feel well enough and brave enough to risk the swirling confection of infections by going out in public, I can go dancing again!

So this is an early birthday present to me.

Celebrate life, and Dance!

5 April 2021

Last night I watched an episode of “Shtisel” which struck a chord with me. The almost 90 year old grandmother is staring at a painting of the sea. In her imagination the sea comes to life and she surges with the waves. (A dizzy spell?!)

The Yiddische grandmother asks her son, “take me to the sea...I haven’t seen the sea in 60 years...” the son says he has too much going on, another time. She then asks her granddaughter who visits her. “Let’s go to the sea!” The granddaughter also demurs. (Mind you Israel is a tiny country so the distances can’t be that long ffs!)

So the old lady orders a taxi from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv. She sits on a bench, staring peacefully and contentedly at the sea. An old friend! ...then she dies.

I too miss the sea. It’s only 20 minutes drive to Wynnum beach or 25 or 30 minutes to Wellington point or 40 minutes to Victoria Point or 2 hours to my most favourite beaches in Byron Bay (growing a tad hysterical here!)

I ask myself...why am I denying myself the succour of the sight of the sea, the salt air, the sea gulls, the commingling with eternity at the event horizon? Why this self-punishment and isolation in the hills of Holland Park. No wonder I am getting crazier!

When I am certain of my “time” I will take myself to a beach somewhere too.

Wise old lady knew where her spirit needed to be to free herself. And fuck her useless family!

…

…

…

Yasss Tanya!!! No one will ever love me or rescue me...it’s all on me! A hefty burden given my life experiences...but along the way there were brave supportive Earthangels lifting me up when I could not go on another moment!

…

It was a long arduous process but I am finally free of the former cloying false friends. I can actually breathe again (me...an asthmatic with sleep apnoea...breathing fresh rarefied air in the current epoch of coronavirus!) it was not easy but I am making my life more and more beautiful each and every day.

Some days I slip back down into the abyss but then I stretch eagle’s wings..and I fly.

5 April 2020

Now I am experiencing hot and cold chills. Wtf? I was so cold that I turned off the air con. After the room heated up my skin exhibited goosebumps and I felt chilled. I kept the air con off as I was cold anyway. Now I am burning up like a radiator got turned on.

Bobo is beside me on the couch he seems drowsy and depressed.

This global oppression is killing me (metaphorically speaking) plus menopause plus weird sensations in my mind and body.

Makes me wonder what spirit is preparing me for next?! I am so tired too. I slept well last night from 9 pm til 8 am.

I am glad I got to spend time with Lyn yesterday. I always live such an isolated existence.

This too shall pass.

…

…

11:11 am make a wish 🙂

5 April 2018

One of my foster cats (I suspect Sophie) kept me awake by bouncing off doors and walls last night. Not even a full moon. Mad creature. When she does this she usually pees somewhere too. Yet to find the pish deposit. Hopefully she was just having one of her regular breakdowns.

Meanwhile Socks is lying on the kitchen bench quietly observing me eat muesli. Sometimes he stalks me for the milk lees. But not today.

The rash on my hand has spread to my left hand and is travelling up my arms. I am worried it might be a food allergy but the only new food product I have eaten is the new musk flavouring I used to make musk sticks (which failed but made nice musk flavoured marshmallows).

No codes on the bottle so I can’t track which chemicals have set me off. It might just be from the garden and not a food allergy. But anyway, fuck my life. Just getting over epic asthma/cold thingy that nearly killed me on several occasions then now this. My body hates me. Maybe I am allergic to Life. That would be right.

I am biding my time until payday next week and will take myself to Byron for some much needed cleansing in the ocean. That will help me heal my skin and my soul. I miss Byron. I need the sea. Psychedelic Dreamer Sighs.

Anyway, happiness is an inside job. So I am mentally lying on the beach surrounded by bliss bombs of beauty, serenity, sunshine and delights.

Yeah, baby! I got this. I can’t wait to be a soul without a body so I can travel the cosmos for free, in a microsecond of thought. In the meantime, I have this hobbit body to haul around, so I might as well make good use of it.

5 April 2016

I had a lovely day yesterday with Jarrod and Harvey. We cooked together. Very homely. Then we watched a food documentary called Cooked which was fascinating.

…

I slept on and off most of the day. I drove down just now to Pet City to buy fish food. They are so expensive so I only bought a small one. I will stock up on payday.

Then I stopped to put air back in my leaky tyre. I will have to either fix it or get new tyres. It keeps leaking.

Now at the dog park but he tried to attack one of those pig-dogs. Holy hell! That thing could have snapped his neck. Lucky it is a gentle dog. But I grabbed Bobo and took him to the small dog area where he can't get into scraps with the big dogs.

It has been a nice day, what I have seen of it. I am still exhausted and my chest still aches. Just going to keep taking things easy this week.

5 April 2014

I am feeling a tiny bit depressed, waiting for the beautiful Sarah to pick me up and take me out. Dinner and The Elephant Hotel tonight. We shall rock out til the early hours of the morning, if it kills us, (and it generally does!)

I feel a bit maudlin as I wish I had a man in my life who could do for me all the great and wonderful things my sisterhood does. It doesn't seem fair that all my gorgeous women friends, apart from a few, are single and get generally ignored or taken for granted by men.

It's both beautiful and insane that the only sense of true romance nowadays comes from other women. My psychiatrist says I have an unrealistic fantasy that men will be there for women, and that women have always had to form their own groups and cleave together for support.

This is true up to a point. I am however almost 49 and I remember a time 30 years ago, when men were still Men and Women were still women and men used to make heaps of effort to impress us, and we were often truly impressed (or if they were a schmuck, we faked it til we made it) and women actually looked forward to dating, relationships, marriage, and loved being surrounded by gorgeous generous devoted men.

After spending my weekends out, the very idea of being with a man makes me feel quite nauseous. Just the huge impact it would have on my life, as in cooking, cleaning and sock darning alone!

I would love nothing more than to have a man to cuddle and make love with, to cook with and for (occasionally, lets not get too crazy here), to talk with, laugh with, dance with, be playful with.

However I don't seem to attract the kind of men who want to do that with me, just the casual in and outers, the players, the mouth-breathers (ewww, several men actually breathed on me last night while dancing...I was going to complain, but I was so hot and sweaty I was almost grateful for the unsolicited cooling manifestoes).

I tell you, I truly enjoy my male friends who don't creep me out at the end of the night. Men I can laugh with, philosophise with, be myself with, without judgment. I miss those guys.

Poor Brian is in the lock-up, detoxing for 3 months. He's mad but out of all the men in the night I meet while out, he is the kindest, sweetest person. The irony is you have to be degenerate, broken and mad to find yourself. Been there, done that, still doing it.

I have decided that in my 'delinquincy' I am quite a powerful woman. That huge bodyguard man from America grabbing for my hand to protect me, tells me he gets that I am not as tough as I appear but I got the feeling he felt like being 'protected' himself.

A stranger in a strange new land, with nothing but feral drunken violent men around him. And then there is me! He must find it all very unusual.

Of course he hails from New Orleans and when I first spoke to him, I told him I wanted to meet a bona fide Voudou Priestess if I ever went there. He laughed, said “there is one on every street corner”. But he got my vibe.

I am trying to figure out why he is still in Brisbane as when I met him a few weeks ago he said he was body-guarding Bruno Mars. Surely Bruno has moved on by now? Anyway I will thank him for his chivalry next time.

It's nice to see not all men are callow lowlife misogynistic bastards, (just the ones I take home!) So I am doing a major rethink about my sexuality and my 'conquests'. I mean I rarely have sex as it always ends bad. So why bother?

I do miss the intimacy though. Perhaps I am insane to miss it. I get more intimacy from my cat! Even my goldfish are happy to see me.

Oh well Rock On The Tanya, Work to do, People to Inspire! And so it goes...

…

I danced all night with Sarah. I had a brilliant time. Pity Le Douche at the end of night appeared with another woman. I find game-playing men to be irritating and a waste of my time and energy.

I was however touched by the sweet gesture of the very large African-American man who placed his hand on mine in a protective gesture to hold me back while some arseholes were being thrown out of the pub.

I haven't had a man be protective of me like that ever! It was a tad disconcerting. I told him "I am all good" as he was with a lady so I didn't want him or her getting the wrong idea.

So it is lovely to meet truly good kind people out on the world! I ended up driving Jo home so I have her car here. Time to sleep so I can return her car later.

5 April 2013

4.33 am time to sleep at last. Yesterday was a lovely day with Lyn, Peter, Danni and little Aali. I spent rest of evening on Paltalk and pottering, gluing broken bits and pieces and made some craft. Now exhausted.

Tomorrow workmen arrive to put up scaffolding for new roof going on, on Saturday. Been a frenetic week!

House will look lovely when it's all done though!

My comment of 5 April 2022:

Wow, my roof is 9 years old now. I have lived here for almost 19 years (on 5 May). Time is fleeting and slipping away like a mirage on a hot day. I have been so sick for a week now that I too feel like my personal physicality in this 3D matrix is glitching and I am about to leave this dimension.

But then I have survived so much more than this so who knows…my roof is newish, the fence is newish and I too am in a constant process of metamorphosis.

Back to sleep I go so my brain can rebuild this catalysing corpus and renew aspects of me while releasing old wornout cells. New growth on the battlefield of cell division and cell attrition. Good night (Laila Tov!)

5 April 2011

I had a pleasant evening at Gail's. She cooked me a nice dinner, and we watched tv, a story about biblical and archeological correlations in history, which I loved, and the final episode of "How we made the world". Very interesting and confronting. I was looking forward to seeing "Being Human" cos I love the quirky black humour but it was a repeat. Oh well.

…

5 April 2010

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons