Memories: 29 August 2023

29 August 2023

3.11 pm it’s been a lovely day. A storm is currently rolling in, clearing the air. But the barometric pressure has made me feel weak and dizzy and I now have a headache.

I stayed in bed until nearly 11 am this morning. I just felt so exhausted. Then got dressed and sat out in the sun with Charley, reading through all my status updates on Facebook. I made most of the posts public.

It’s been intense, reading all the weird events that lead up to Beauregard’s death. There were lots of hauntings from January on. Lots of wild intense dreams too.

I guess the spirits were trying to warn me or prepare me for the worst. I was also shown who really loves me (albeit platonically!) and it is apparent that someone is coming into my life in the next few months or years. Or it seems so, given the strange encounters and newfound attentions from men.

I will sit carefully on my back haunches and howl at the moon while I carefully discern who is truly meant for me. I can’t tolerate any more heartbreaking malevolent lacklustre curs. But even I can see there are a few men in my life who do seem to genuinely like me so that is a good trust building exercise in discernment.

29 August 2022

1982-2022. 40 years of wandering in the desert of men’s abuse dynamics and treachery. It’s time to find my one true love and have the kind of revelation that leads to the Promised Land. Lol

But like a fool I tattooed myself with Adonai’s other name….which He revealed to Moshe Aveinu so I’m…well we all Know how the Abrahamic God treats his Chosen Ones. Denied him entry into Canaan for the disobedience of banging a stick on a rock for water three times instead of two.

Poor Moses did not know he needed to curb his enthusiasm. So he died alone, an ancient prophet on a hill overlooking the place he’d fought to inhabit while dragging bestial stiffnecked golden calf worshippers out of Egypt (and most of them begging to go back to slavery!) Wtf????

So how long will Mama T be denied the comfort and ease in her older age? It’s up to the gods. Or my own determined will, because I like Natural Justice: not tantrum throwing pettiness of narcissistic gods. Pause….for the electric playground smiting my trance drumming spirits keep alluding to. In modern parlance I think they mean the Casino as they didn’t have neon lights or poker machines in ancient times…….or did they?

There are some astonishing heiroglyphs in Egypt that look like helicopters, submarines and other modern day contrivances.

As Graham Hancock likes to say “Shit just keeps getting older!” And there were advanced ancient civilisations in our past: Atlantis and Lemuria. Hmmm.

But the gods have contrived for me to remain alive in an actual weird arse zombie apocalypse that is biblically described in a hellish dream by Ezekiel but that was not supposed to be made manifest.

Or was it? It’s not for me to ponder on the Mind of G-d.

I will acknowledge that the Holy One is sending me male “suitors” each weekend now at an alarming rate. The last one was predatory so that one is totally unsuitable.

Like Penelope, the wife of Odysseus in The Homer (or was it The Iliad?) I will be weaving my love story every day and pulling it apart each night to delay inviting any more epic creepy motherfuckers as partners into my life.

I mean…I don’t have Trojans to protect my assets, nor Grecians so De Mama has to dance long and hard and maintain her hypervigilance and her avoidance until Someone worthy of my heart, mind, body and spirit (my soul belongs to God, the jealous one…who will probably never let me go!) Rolls eyessss.

Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh. We are Whom We are for multidimensional multitudinal reasons. Grins.

My message yesterday from the spirits: totalitarianism stops with me. I think they mean to be cautious not to allow any more demonic Nazi entities in my inner circle but I still also have the trauma from the Israeli Jewish monsters too. Also to continue to fight our contemporary fascist Covid Epoch as long as I still have breath in my body!

But yes the ancestors had a bit of fun at my expense on Friday night. Not cool. I did not appreciate “Handsy Tom” trying to maneuvre into my knickers but at least…I was wearing some! Bejaysus. It’s enough to make a grown woman start carrying weapons and cutting off heads. But I will laugh instead. Demons hate being laughed at.

I will hold my ground, on my spot and laugh at them. On the inside, as I don’t want to appear crazy!

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update: the rat test is negative. I was right...it's just a posttraumatic over exerted sniffle. Given how endemic covid is supposed to be, and my very weak lungs, frankly I am both grateful and astonished that I have not gotten it...yet. I must be one of the rare persons that has a natural immunity. I worried that by dancing out in public I would ultimately get exposure. But so far, so good.

I was not looking forward to yet another serious bout of illness having just recovered from the last one in June/July. But if it's only a mild cold...I can handle that.

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Last night I developed a slightly sore throat. then a slight sniffle. I have caught a cold. hmmm. I hope it's not the Coof as I have decided against accessing antivirals which might save me but also might permanently debilitate me also. I don't trust their 'science' after decades of being slowly poisoned with psych meds and then losing my gallbladder in such a revolting systemically abusive way.

I am going to drink lemon tea and soldier through. I had a small moment of panick as to whether I have enough ventolin to get me through and also not having an iphone at the moment, as my handset is useless and hard to hear on but I suppose if I choose to save my own life (what for, when I have even lost Crystal now?) I could always call 000.

I will do a rat test later if I feel worse as I am sure my sore throat and sniffle is just from over exerting myself on the dance floor on Friday night, plus the high strangeness of most of the customers that evening and the high alertness I had to function on. But all good...I make these sacrifices for the opportunity to live fully and vibrantly in my Dance to live music. It's not like there hasn't been even worse behaviours back in the day.

I am gratified that security moved quickly to eliminate the problem. It feels like they trust me now and work with me, rather than against me as they used to do in the past until they realised I was right most of the time, having been raised by hellians I can sense the escalation way ahead of time, and usually give people the benefit of the doubt....for a while but when they hit my last nerve....that's it. lol.

29 August 2021

Another lovely afternoon spent visiting friends in my neighbourhood. Feeling much loved! 🙂. Especially by little Koko and Rosie Girls (dogs!)

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29 August 2020

1:11 pm. Love from the Multiverses transversing paradigms of hate, and disease. Bringing Light to dark corners, rectification for the ones who choose Life, Love and Truth.

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This afternoon I took Bobo and Charlie for a walk and on the way met Margot, Dave, Evie and Susie and their Labrador puppy Rosie on the way to visit me!

So Dave kept on walking (we walked together back to my place) as he is anxious about Bobo not getting along with Rosie. But the girls stayed for a while chez moi at Sacred Space. Evie had a glass of milk and Susie had pineapple juice and Margot and I drank tea and we shared the lovely cupcakes she made for our afternoon tea.

The girls busied themselves around my garden searching for faeries and Evie, who is delightfully intuitive like her little sister, asked for a coin to throw in my fountain (in my fish pond!) to make a wish. So I raided the skull money box and gave them each 20c for their “Wish”.

Susie who is only three, wanted to make her wish loudly so I tried to explain that wishes are meant to be a secret. But she declared loudly and unabashedly to the multiverses that she wishes to be a Faery!!! It was delightful.

Then Evie discovered a ceramic watering can I keep in my lavender pot so wanted me to fill it with water so she could water all the plants for the faeries.

So she very seriously occupied herself with that task. Then Susie wanted to do that too, so I gave her a little stainless steel bowl which is actually one of Charlie’s feeding bowls so she could safely splash water about too.

Beauregard was thrilled as Evie snuck dog biscuits to hand-feed him (which was a worry as he does not like children touching his food) but she fed him one by one and he played along like a true gentleman. (Evie taming Bobo like a champion dragon wrestler!)

So I had a lovely surprise visit and we all had a lovely afternoon!

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I learned to type at Wellington Polytechnic in a 6 month “Advanced Secretary Course” after I dropped out of (actually driven out of university by constant threats of rape and harassment!) at VUW.

The teacher at the Polytechnic was very kind and supportive of me. She seemed to know I was in a severely traumatised state most of the time.

When it came to doing work experience for two weeks, one of the options was the Wellington Hospital psychiatric department. None of the other students wanted that assignment. They were all quite afraid of working there.

So I accepted that position. I enjoyed it. (Partially cos I am a bit nosey so read through a few files while filing patient records. I found it interesting and a watershed experience that I was not the only one with severe abuse dynamics and trauma issues.

Yet I still could not bring myself to seek therapy. My mother spent my entire life telling me I was stupid and insane, so even though I knew her brainwashing programming was incorrect, vile and abusive; I actually feared the stigma so much I delayed getting counselling until after my separation when, freshly strangled, having lost my house and status, Money and safety, and Cees had also died ...that old feeling of walking around like an automaton completely blown apart like a shelled out husk came back.

I did not even recognise it as complex trauma. It was just a cumulative effect. I have always lived with trauma. Always. But there are still times when it bites me harder and I feel like a colander leaking soul fluid into the cosmos. Like when Penny died two weeks ago.

Still in all, denied my rightful education by BASTARDS. Cost me dearly.

But typing was a handy skill to learn. It meant I can still write and express my truth.

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Winston Churchill once wrote: when going through Hell, just keep going. (or words to that effect!)

I have had another lovely day. I am Suffering dizziness in the evenings (no idea what is causing that?) but I had a lovely long chat to my friend Nigel this evening.

I feel very loved and supported by all my friends who truly bring much joy to my life. In spite of my rather precarious hellish existence. So that is a triumph in a time of plague and global dis-ease!

One day at a time, moving through life as gently and circumspectly as I can.

Time will tell what the future holds for me. For all of humanity. But just for this moment...smile...breathe...dream...achieve all things great and small. Even if all I managed was a playful afternoon with little children and my connections with much beloved friends and cousins.

4 minutes to Sunday!

Laila Tov. Sleep beautifully x

29 August 2019

6.36 am. Woken up by workmen (apparently to fix leak on verge). Hmm. Strange time to start work!!!

Yeah but they turned on the radio loud and blasted me. Anyway at least that is one major problem being fixed.

..

9.20 am. I have been to Greenslopes hospital early this morning (fucking arggghhhh) to drop off the holter monitor.

I had a rough night with lots of broken sleep after going to bed at 9 pm. I woke up on average every 45 minutes to an hour. I set the alarm for 6:30 to be sure to be awake in time. It went off but I was so exhausted I ignored it until 7 am.

Then hauled out of bed, let the dog out to pee, dressed. Drove to the hospital in a somnolent state but made it. Delivered the monitor. Grabbed a coffee and filled a script at the hospital pharmacy. The woman who worked there was charming.

Then I went to Coles. Then back home. So grateful to be home and back in my warm bed.

I really can’t handle early mornings especially when I have been up all night. I know I do this, with a kind of weird anxiety every time I have to be anywhere that early in the morning.

I have to suffer like this again on 5 August as I have to be back at the PA hospital for post-operation check up at 8:30 am. Ghastly! But after that hopefully I will be free of early morning appointments for a while.

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Just had a fight with someone from QE2 hospital, insisting I am due to book in for a colonoscopy. I said “No, I have it in writing that I am supposed to book in for an Endoscopy on 5 September”.

So she says “No, you are expected to pick up the prep for another colonoscopy”. I said “Why are you fighting me when I have the letter here?!” So I said “I will not be doing it. I don’t like this harassment. Goodbye!”

I am barely over the last surgery and they want to do more procedures on me. Fuck that!

…

I spoke to a manager (Sandra) at Housing and explained my distress at being harassed about the fishponds and forced to rehome them without any notice or reasonable time frame to do so.

I offered an alternative to keep my ponds where I would drill holes to the depth of 300 mm and that I already had my fish on Gumtree.com as I did not want to have to cull them as the fish are actually pets in my landscape here and I do not believe they deserve to die because of the nasty housing inspector’s obvious bias towards me.

I said I have lived here in harmony for 16 years and even had issues with BCC in the past with false accusations made about my dog barking and had roosters removed but never in all these years had my ponds been an issue but now suddenly they are targetted. It just seems a bit odd and highly distressing to me.

She spoke to her manager and said I can take my time to rehome the fish but don’t get new ones. I said I have no intention of buying new ones but some were babies from Original fish.

She said “Don’t upset yourself over this officousness. Someone will come to see you next week just to have a chat.” Okay.

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1.11pm. A prayer went out to the Holy One and the Naga Kanyes who protect the ponds on my rented land. I want to be left alone with my garden, fish ponds and serenity on “Sacred Space”.

I want Love to be the only law and my integrity to be honoured. I want to be safe, protected and loved absolutely. With harm to none, let the evil and perverted and spiteful and envious and crazed avert their eyes from my space and personage.

I don’t have enough strength to fight much longer. Even the gods know it.

Please protect me from those who wish me and mine harm. I live so quietly and respectfully on this land.

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With all the stress in recent days (weeks...months...fucking decades) but it has been intense since I failed to die in that last surgery...my liver is hurting constantly. I hope it doesn’t explode. (Can livers explode? No idea!)

So just for the rest of today I will be resting (except I need to pick up my corsets from the dry cleaners and buy some groceries).

I feel utterly hammered lately. But we all know The Tanya Rises And Shines again, even in her Zombie State.

29 August 2018

I saw my gp. She wrote a referral to the PA hospital but says as I am not a severe case it won’t be urgent. But recommended next time I have a bad gallstone attack to go straight to PA as they had a policy of doing surgery to save the kind of time wasting bathos I currently have to endure.

All good. I now have to take vitamin D for my low vitamin D levels, avoid excessive fats or alcohol for my enlarged liver and eat healthy and dance more! Gotta shift that apple shape I am carrying around my already beleaguered gut.

I don’t feel very well at the moment but according to my results I am quite healthy! Even my cholesterol has gone down a bit. Well, seems like The Tanya will be kicking the proverbial shit uphill for quite some time.

I have been asking my higher mind/the gods etc for better health and better prosperity and of course Love. Hmmm. Baby steps. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Also a strong heart and mind and a lovely absurdist sense of humour.

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29 August 2017

I found Elvira dead today. I am not sure why my hens are dying. Very worrying.

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I have completed the data entry of the Arons family. Huge effort! So pleased to have them all up on Ancestry.

Update 2022: the ancestors were so delighted I brought them together on Ancestry that they started 'talking' to me in 2020. My maori cousins great grandparents of the Ngapuhi tribe, Te huihuinga and her Chief husband Parata. That was a very trippy experience. But the beginning of spirit working with me, I suppose. I am grateful for the love from beyond the veil that is both illuminating, exalting and protective when necessary.

I have felt like 'they' kicked my training wheels off recently and I felt a tad terrified as there was such a seeping evil in my neighbourhood (and globally) but things seem to have settled down a bit, although the intense weirdness at the casino last friday night was perturbing. I almost had to bring in my gods and spirit helpers but thankfully I managed it myself. I have reached a level of mastery when I no longer have to rely on invisible entities to back me up lmao.

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Love watching Preacher on Tuesday nights. Awesome (trippy) show!

29 August 2016

Yesterday was the anniversary of meeting my first BF and later husband. 34 years ago. I was 17. Ugh! What I did for love?! To escape my family? Out of the frying pan into the fire.

At 17 I learned the truth that youth is wasted on the youth, that toxic families lie and manipulate then demonise you for trying to escape. That men are fickle and abusive. That I had to survive and keep my children safe (well that came only a few short years later).

At 17 I had already been groomed to be a Courtesan. Dressed in elegant high couture evening garb (mostly second hand because my mother was a cheapskate secondhand rose and I, her little Narcissistic extension was her Rosette.

A fast fading rosette from days gone by. Still searching for the meaning behind my awful life and of course for the true love I was promised as a teenager.

Psychedelic Dreams don't always come true. But the dreams are free and ever-hopeful and of course, persistent. For what is life without our dreams. Our little aspirations, complete full-fettered respirations, and inspirations keep the animus in an ever-evolving cycle of coherence.

(Oops. My wine has slipped a disk)

Jarrod is here. I had to ask him about animus (a homeopathic label). He said "I dunno. I don't believe in pseudo-science. Or a half life". I grinned. "You hung out with me for 25 years and I am always only half alive". He demurred. "A bottle of nothing that once held something in it is still Nothing."

I smirked (probably channeling that dead bastard Homeopath Psychopath David Karl Davidson (the evil fuck!)

"Now Jarrod, were I to lick the tip of your nose, would that not be the energy that would stay with you forever?" He winced in horror. "No, cos I would scrub my nose to bare skin". I smiled winsomely " Ahh but the memory of that nose-licking would stay with you forever, even after scrubbing it. That my friend is Homeopathics. That is the energy".

Don't worry. I am not going to lick his nose. We are not those Kind of friends. Ewww! The look of horror was hilarious though.

Back to my favourite outfits as a teenager. I had a 1910 (original) long black velvet skirt that had room for an actual bustle and a long fishtail train. I loved that skirt. I wore it until I ballooned out an extra size and knew I would never be that slim again.

I kept it in my wardrobe for 10 years, longingly wishing and hoping I could wear it again. Eventually giving it to charity.

I also wore 2 piece avant Garde suits with fabulous hats. At times I looked like a 40 year old drag queen. Meanwhile other kids were wearing those ghastly long-sleeved sweatshirts with giant cartoon characters on the front. I abhorred them.

I did not even own a pair of jeans (my niece who was 6 years younger had to help me buy them) until I was 16. I was not allowed to buy them. I loved my jeans for horse riding though. Made life so much more comfortable!

On my blind date with Micheal Arons, at a dinner hosted by his friends, Susan and Adrian Shine, I wore a claret red crushed-velvet evening dress with matching bolero. Micheal insulted me by telling me to get changed. No man was ever going to tell me how to dress for a dinner party!So I told him he was rude and I was not changing.

He drove me around the secluded bays (I was petrified he was going to abduct and rape me) to the other side of Wellington to their home in Karori. When we arrived, me pale, thin lipped and slightly nauseous with anxiety, all 3 were amused by my garb as they were all wearing jeans - a casual dinner party. Who knew? I held my head up high and spent quite some time ignoring all of them by playing with their newborn child Talia.

When I think back, I still can't believe I ended up with that man. Holy hell.

Update 29 August 2020: 38 years ago now. I don’t miss him. I suppose I can thank him for my children although to be fair even in creating them with the moment of lovemaking I did most of the “work” 😉.

He was not a particularly passionately loving husband. Lacklustre. But such was my life for 10 and a half years until I veritably chewed my own arm off and was divested of safety, homes, money, status and serenity. I fought hard to keep myself alive and keep my children with me...to my own detriment.

29 August 2015

4.30pm. Finally awake. Listening to the rain. Full Moon tonight.

29 August 2014

I am having an obsession with the Blue Bird of Happiness...but wait there is more...Jarrod says Step away from the computer!

I am going to buy that bird. I need to sell the Lladro and the antique credenza and other bits and pieces. Once I know what money I get for it, I will either get a loan for the remaining money or keep saving for remainder.

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Jarrod is on fone, telling me that my dead dog is very upset that I would deign to replace her with a Bird "hahhhhh! ". Pomeranian sigh of Disgust!

I said "Don't emotionally manipulate me with my dead dog" He said, "Even Harvey is disgusted. How can he be friends with a giant blue parrot?" I said "Harvey no live here anymore!" Jarrod says "Yes but Bella's spirit does and how the hell can a macaw be The New World Leader? We need a pomeranian for that."

Yup The Best kind of.Love. Impulsive, passionate, wild, crazy, impractical but sooo Blissful.

Update 29 August 2022: oh dear...one of my best but unfulfilled love obsessions of my life....lmao. He really was a spectacular bird.

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4.05 am. Time to schluff...but will I?

In keeping with the oceanic metaphor earlier, I had a flash back of the trip to Europe on The Fairstar. The thrumming of the engines and the smell of soot or grease coming out of the funnel. The claustrophobic cabin and me sitting with my 2 favourite toys I was permitted to bring with me.

The sense of anticipation and excitement as the ship plowed through open seas. The horizon a distant semi-circle in every direction.

It was like forging ahead where no human had ever been before and I would go into an almost trance-like state, communing with the whales, dolphins, Sea gods and Merfolk below. Thankfully we didn't get toppled by a Kraken which have now been proven to be real.

Imagine the ghastly horror of the ancient mariners being sent to their deaths by a giant invertebrate the size of a house. What a spectacularly peculiar way to die!

Psy sighs. Happy thoughts!

(Slippery little Suckers, both squids and Men!)

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Cooking roast beef and roast veges. Hungry Mama! Still want that Macaw.

Crystal said If I bought it she would kill it Lol. She loves my car That Much lol.

Before you freak out she would never hurt an animal and she would have to get used to having a giant South American Macau for a Brother.

Hohum...next Manifestation. Last night I did a little ritual to attract a wonderful Man to my life. Um, Hashem and your loa deities, I was asking for a Human Male!!!! Not a Bird! I like how you brought me to the most spectacular Blue Boy on offer today.

Thanks for the Cosmic Joke. Love is universal even if it is for the Birds!

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Now making Poffertje mix! Madness @ 3 am! Come to think of it, my mad mother started cooking for us during menopause. I remember her swearing and sweating at the kitchen stove. She had Uncle Cees to impress then!

It didn't last long and he took over the cooking which he called "Greek" as his first wife was Greek. It consisted most of tough coagulated steak cooked too low (why I still avoid steak to this very day!) and boiled-to-the-point-of-oblivion leeks, or endives or brussel sprouts with Deb (artificial!) potato.

I used to sneak off every afternoon after high school to buy fish and chips. I was Not going to eat his crap food!

I saw stollen in Woolworths today and that reminded me of being 13 and my mother who had failed to teach me anything useful except housework and painting houses (child exploitation!) decided it was time I learned how to cook German food.

So I baked a Stollen. I made about 3 then told her it was not going to happen again, as I was never going to celebrate Christmas when I grew up as I was converting to Judaism. She clipped my ear, said "Och Doch Mensch" and got me making Lebkuchen instead.

I gazed with some nostalgia at the Stollen. I even fondled it. Then I put it back. They have brought them out for Christmas. It's not even fucking September yet. They will be bloody stale Stollen by December 24. lmao!

(If you like this true story, send money...there is a Macaw with my name on his tail feathers...shake it Baby.)

Which reminds me..my mad father got his baby cockatoo at the age I am now. He named her Cheeky. She was awesome! I am 49. It's for the birds..end of one cycle and beginning of another.

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1.29 am I feel so excited, there is an air of anticipation in the house. My little ritual seems to have lightened my spirit somewhat. I am being made ready for huge changes. I don't know what they are but I sense they will be Awesome. I feel like I am riding on top of a very large Wave and I am just barely holding on and skimming through the curl without crashing out and drowning.

I feel shaken and stirred and then left to settle like a good Martini. Noone to sup from my ambrosiac nectar but the gods whom have made a Fool of me before, sending me separatists and liars. One day I hope the gods quit tormenting me with cardboard cut-out empty vessels with wigs and allow me to have a real Love with a real man.

Vacuous crash-test dummies need not apply!

Psy Sighs. I am alone for a reason. Men can't be there for me, I am too strong for them.

Perhaps I am destined to grow old, with my cats, chooks, goldfish and a very special….Macaw. Lmao!

29 August 2012

My hell is soon to pass away like a sloughed off skin! The old one was squeezing every minute morsel of my Essence . It crushed my dreams, my hopes, even my Life Force!

It was a long slow painful Strangulation and the last Vestiges of that old Skin took quite a bit of thrashing, writhing and wriggling in the moldy rotten thresh floor of my existence but at last I will be FREE of the toxic foul evil Villainy of my Mother, her husbands, lovers, cohorts and willing sychophantic friends and their Spawn.

Settlement is this Friday and the cheque will clear next Friday!

It's finally, finally finally over! The last few days were the most crushing and distressing as there were more delays, lies told, and obstructions and I thought I was going to be further conned!

Last night I went out to take my mind off my fresh traumas and I met a lovely Bear of a Madman who told me he was an Angel and "The Day of Reckoning is at hand". He played dozens of Harmonicas he kept in a special leather sling on his chest which made them all look like Ammunition and I danced with him and many others all night! One should always listen to ones "Angels" as he was right after all! My new Days are finally here!

29 August 2011

Funny sort of day. Had a really cruisy sleep in until 2pm after last night's insomnia (again!), then chatted to friends on the phone and attempted to do more housework.

Now feel so tired I could die, but heaps more cleaning to do in lounge. (Took a break for facebooking but need to get back to cleaning!) Hohum. Feel good, so that's the main thing. Had a long chat to Crystal on fone too! Merchant of Venice invites about to go out and the Poster created by Jarrod is amazing!

29 August 2010

Not feeling well at all, I will have to face the Hag literally and make an appointment for my GP who I am convinced thinks I'm some sort of malingerer and wishes I would just drop dead.

More fool her. I'm genuinely crook but I'm not curling up my toes for anyone. Better people than she have tried by their lack of caring, to finish me off. I just pop up again when they least suspect it LOL. I'm too resilient.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons