Memories: 12 December 2023

12 December 2023

12 December 2022

This was an earlier post I made to the Women’s Metalsmith Collective. Someone told me how to fix the problem with the ears so I went right out and made another mould but failed with the silver melting this time. - pity. It melted great last night at 11 pm. Go figure! Sometimes I feel like I am cursed. But I will persevere!:

This was my third attempt at casting which I did at 11 pm last night as I went into a deep depression over my constant failures. (I have cptsd so learning new things is super hard!) which is why I am self teaching as it feels safer. But means lots of mistakes and doing things the hard way. Arghhh

But… I am excited to show you my results. This time I managed to melt the silver and get it to pour down into the mould. Dear Yoda (“try you must and the Force is with you!” lost his ear tips and now looks like Shrek.

I was a tad upset about this result then I realised what a huge achievement I had just created! My first (almost successful!) casting. A few weeks ago I was terrified of the mapp gas blowtorch!

So I am on my way. I think I may need a larger aluminium flask as that may be why the ears didn’t form?

Or I might just need to give it another try until he’s in perfect shape.

This is such a growth experience for me (I still need to master soldering and learn how to make bezels and set stones but I am excited about my giant leap into the void and seeing what I come out of the rabbit hole, clutching in both hands.

Thank you for allowing me in your group. I am inspired and learning every day! Which is so good for my soul!

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I just failed at melting silver for a fourth attempt at making Yoda. I was out there a longgg time but the silver wouldn’t melt. Probably due to the wind or the fact that it was being re-melted too many times. I wasted one and a half gas bottles.

Oh well. The mould is made. I just need to buy fresh silver granules when I can afford it. I was hoping to use up my scrap but it got contaminated too (solder and something that looked like stainless steel that I thought it was a sterling jump ring!)

So I now have a solid mess and a wrecked crucible. Back to the drawing board on that one!

I now know it’s possible but I need clean silver next time.

12 December 2020

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3 am awake from another weird trauma dream. Some big shifts occurring inside my mind and inside our planet. Holding my Sacred Space and staying grounded in my reality. Back to sleep I go if my brain will let me. Exhausted.

Love is the Law.

12 December 2019

Me, pre-dental implant which I bought with my small Inheritance. See the shit the dental hospital did to my front tooth? Years of that incompetence.

2009. I was fatter then. Note the vacant look in Mum's eyes. I look kinda merry but not all there either. Zyprexa so I could keep calm and visit my mummy/my monster.

Unlike my kids who always abandoned me when I went to hospital or was in genuine need, I stood up and counted for my very own abuser (who unbelievably I did love more than I should have). Protecting and defending my own destroyer. That will She wrote or allowed Buck and his greedy cesspit daughters to write, was enough to kill me.

Yet here I am. Soldiering on. Believing in Tooth fairies (good dentists), true love, prosperity and friendship. Ha!

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Struggling with the intense heat. Another storm is forecast this afternoon. Bring it on!

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1:11 pm. Wishing for all the very best I can squeeze or otherwise emolliate out of my life.

It’s hot. My brain is frying. But all good. A storm is building so that will cool the evening down and I will blossom again.

12 December 2017

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Happy Chanukah! The sun has set and so it begins...

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Lovely but hot day! I finally got out of bed. I had trouble regulating my body temperature. Bloody menopause. How much longer must I endure this? Rhetorical question. How long is a piece of string or two desiccated ovaries?

I welcome and embrace my Cronedom but the transformation into a Hag is arduous and rather debilitating. I feel slightly unwell but this too shall pass.

What news from the multiverse? Nothing new under the sun. Here I sit and ponder the inexplicable reality that I am getting older when I never thought that would be possible.

So in the meantime I must abide in my intransigent transience and breathe! I have got this!

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Happy Chanukah, which begins this evening! A holiday which celebrates Victory over oppression and a cleansing and rededication of the Temple in Jerusalem for which the oil required to do this task, miraculously lasted 8 days.

For 8 days we Jews celebrate Life (L’Chaim), our survival as a people, fighting back against forces of evil of magnitudes that would have decimated most cultures/civilisations and beliefs.

A stiff-necked people. Scourged and hated by the non-Jews but still we stand against the forces of destruction. (If only in becoming a great and holy nation of wanderers we had not ourselves succumbed to the temptations of evil: abuse of women like myself, children, emulating the aggressor and aligning with the abuser.)

But the true Beloveds of HaShem know who is righteous and who is Blessèd and we cleave together as examples of unconditional stoic love and courage and we join together to stamp out the evil that has pervaded even Jewish communities around the world.

Corrupt child-abusing Rabbis and destroyers of women and children: we are coming for you. No stone will be left unturned. The Me Too campaign is gathering strength in the sheer numbers of people, whom have survived and are now finding their feet, their voices and demand justice and/or cultural Change. We will not be silenced! Ever!!!

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Distressing day being exposed to an alleged female lawyer with the empathy for rape victims of a gnat!

Yes these kinds of women exist. My own sister was one of them! I cannot reconcile the kind of cognitive dissonance of a child survivor of sexual abuse that they grow up to defend and protect other molesters/rapists and general abusers of women and children.

This is the kind of thing that frankly makes me feel suicidal and sick to my core. The fact that people like this prosper and deny real justice to victims/survivors. When they work for the debased and evil court system instead of fighting for innocents.

As I was sold out by the courts and members of my family of origin again and again. But I have hope. Me too! All the millions of Me Toos. Don’t give up!

I personally needed you as a child. I am sure you needed me too. But we grew up in immense suffering because we knew we were all alone and no adult would protect us.

We grew up and we survived (barely). Some of us, like myself, sacrificed our ability to earn or achieve as we threw ourselves into a vicious marriage and a deaf/dumb/blind community who drooled and smirked as they watched us drown, even as we struggled to raise our children in safety.

Hell, even accused my daughter of needing therapy: once again institutionally blaming the innocent for crimes perpetrated by members of that community. Bullying and harassment. Vilification of the female. They thought I would die or crawl away. I thought I would too.

But each time I was strangled physically or thwarted spiritually I dragged myself up and looked the bastards in the eye. See me! See me! See me!

Cowards and abusers! I know the colour of your soul and the handiwork of your loins. Too well! Motherfuckers!

But I lived on, with or without you! Stronger, more beautiful and gods help you but I will not let you actively damage me or mine again.

A degree or a career does not make you a good person. Doing the right thing even when it is painful, fearsome and dangerous, does!

So let me tell you, I have also known heroes and heroines. People who worked to save me from behind the scenes. People who were unpaid and unrecognised. People who were brave and decent and kind. So few but so mighty and determined were they!

That is why I am alive today. That is why I still believe in a benevolent G-d and in humanity. For the few and rare and precious humans that believed in me.

A blessing on your heads!

12 December 2016

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Words for the wise:

Love holds space for anger too.

I am a very angry passionate person. But I love with all my ferocity. Lie docile like a slaughtered lamb at the feet of my Beloved. Sad but true.

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Been to QE2 dental Hospital to pick up the emergency voucher for a private dentist because the idiots that operate there keep telling me my teeth are just sensitive and the stabbing pain on hot or cold foodstuffs just means I need $25 tooth mousse to buy on the internet when I know oh god do I know a brewing abcess when I feel one coming on.

They have patched and patched and lied to me about this tooth for a year now. To the point where I doubt my own sanity and nervous system and am not completely sure if it is that same tooth or ones next to it. Arrgghhhhgargle… screams into the Void.

Psychopaths work as government dentists too. Oh yes they do and we the unemployed broken societal debris get low standard care as we are not worthy of proper dentistry. But I advocated for myself and hopefully a private dentist will fix my toothy problem.

Another backhanded gift from my neglectful abusive parents (my mother loved to hit me full in the face) is my implosive weak teeth.

Fuck that shit. I have survived. I will keep chewing on this planet until I can bite my own dust. Gritty but sumptuous Motherfuckers! (Frozen chocolate anyone?)

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12 December 2015

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Another nice day. I am so grateful for the cooler but steady light rain. I spent the arvo with Annette. She delighted in little Beauregard and he was quite passionate about her. (Ahem!)

She cooked us a beautiful omelette for dinner then I headed home with a very overly-excited fractious puppy. He seems to like his baby teething toy that I bought at Annette's suggestion.

I am now home, have unpacked all his puppy stuff. Fed the cats and now time to rest I think.

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4.10 am. In bed at last. I had a wonderful day and night yesterday. Now home from dancing with my gorgeous women friends. I feel really content. My feet are numb but shake it off!

Bobo asked to go outside so he did a massive pee and a poo, then I put him back in his crate after a brief cuddle. He went back to sleep. Such a good puppy. He has even better toilet manners than Bella had.

Although my Woollen rug is also his favourite pee-pee place. I will have to scrub it with carpet shampoo. Over all, he is getting better each day at going outside.

Time to Schluff! Shabbat Shalom, Happy Chanukah and Laila Tov/Boker tov! Good night and good morning. I will sleep well today.

12 December 2014

12 December 2013

12 December 2008

Hi Tanya]Long time no speak.How are you? I've been to Adelaide,now back,had Yoni's birthday bash,Adrian was here a week earlier so Di nne made the party a week and a day early,it was great 50 faces stuffing ourselves.Is your mum still holding up and did you get power ect?How are your girls?We are going to Sydney for New Year,should be nice then in April 49 of us are going on a cruise.Otherwise life goes on ,well maybe i will be 83 in10 days,bloody hell,time sure went fast.Well sweetie write me a few lines and you keep well.All my love SYLVIA x x x x x x x x s

Update 2021: I love seeing these messages from Auntie Sylvia. It’s very comforting.

Copyright Tanya Désirée Arons