Lost

Do you ever just feel lost?

Stupid question, it’s the question they always ask in TV shows and films don’t they… but they always seem to have something to focus on, something to get them out of that feeling.

What if, you’re a regular person, how do you become un-lost?

I don’t have the answer for you as I’m lost currently. And stuck. I feel isolated and alone, unsure what to do or where to go and I feel like there is no escape.

I think it’s important to process these thoughts and emotions at the time and not wait until ‘a good time’ to look back. There is never a good time and what’s the point of looking back on a bad situation, when you’re in a good situation? There’s no benefit then as you’ll just pass it off as a bad time and you’ll tell yourself ‘but I need to focus on the good right now’ so it gets pushed back and forgotten about until inevitability, you feel the shitty feeling again and you’re back to square one.

I don’t know why I’m feeling lost and stuck either.

All the motivational and inspirational videos you now see online have a purpose, they have a solution or some kind of resolution at the end. Life isn’t like that. Sometimes, there isn’t a reason why something has happened, or not happened, and there isn’t always an epiphany either. Life is just a CD, playing out in front of you. Or at least, that’s how it feels sometimes and actually, I know that I am in control of the CD player. I can change the track, I can pick it up and change CD, I go skip ahead or go back or unplug it from the wall but how do you do any one of those things? And why? Why change the song?

Again, you can find no answers here, I’m just feeling through my thinkings right now.

When either me or my boyfriend have a vent, whenever we’re getting something off our chest, we ask each other ‘are you emotion based or solution based?’ and it means ‘do you want me to feed your emotions or do you want me to offer you solutions?

With a lot shitty things that happen to us, we know how to get through it. If a friend has pissed you off, you know that talking to them about how it has made you feel will likely resolve the issue but first, you want to bitch about them to someone. When you’re bitching about them to someone else, you’re in the ‘emotions state’, you don’t want someone to give you a solution, you want them to agree you, to tell you that yes, your friend is a cowbag and not worth your time, but then when you’ve dumped all of that out of your head, you can find your way to the ‘resolution state’ where you can talk to them and talk it out.

When I feel stuck like this, I try to rationalise my feelings and find out why I feel stuck and what is within my means of changing but today, I can’t even get to that first step.

I played chess this weekend with my nephew and it was stressful. I play games to have fun, not to win (although winning is nice, I enjoy losing to an extent of learning where I went wrong and actually, is a nice little lesson to a young teenager who cares about winning above all else…) but I wasn’t even enjoying the process of playing chess. You have to think ‘If I move there, they have the options of X, Y or Z but if then I go there, they can do X but they could also do Y and then, what I can do is take Z but then if do Z, I will have to move to take X and check mate is 2 more steps away with A and B’ but honestly, where is the joy in that? I played him though, and won, but the journey there wasn’t a nice journey but I managed to succeed, in some way, at least in someone’s eyes.

I feel like I’m playing a game of chess with myself. I’m trying to think 2 steps ahead but find myself making 1 move and having to change all my moves again and then once I’ve settled on that, making another move and then again, adapting and changing to fit the new environment.

It’s exhausting. Life is exhausting.

I know that I will exercise this week, get some fresh air and take in some sunshine, I’ll have a good day at work, have some good sex with the boyfriend, that I will have an hour of playing my PlayStation and really enjoy it, that I will finish my book and write some more of my book. I know that most of these things will happen this week, if not all of them, and I will likely feel good during that but I’ve learnt to try and sit in the low moments, be uncomfortable and use them to reflect but not to reflect to gain resolution, but to just sit and let it be.

That’s hard to do in a world where we’re always seeking the solution, always seeking the purpose in everything we do, the why. This is what I subject myself to when I go on social media, something that I’m apparently choosing (‘but why!’ I ask myself, only adding to this further!). Looking for lessons in mistakes is a good way of evolving and growing but I’ve gotten so aware of it that I’m afraid I won’t make any more mistakes… Maybe I just need to stop and ‘be’, is that the best option?

Ah, there we go – a solution – urgh.

Life isn’t always going to be good. We can’t be naïve enough to think that everything will be fine. Sometimes it won’t.

Currently, some might say, my life is perfectly fine. Nothing bad has happened in any aspect of my life but I still feel stuck. I still feel lost, and insecure and alone and I feel like there is no way out.

I’m just lost in the maze, neither at the centre with the beautiful fountain, or coming out into an open field. I’m just lost.

That’s okay.

One step at a time.

One day after the other.

Take it slow.

This conversation is one I’ve had in my head, from me, to me, thanks for joining me along the way.