Life as a Bad Guy

“I wore a fucking sweater!” I’m laughing cause, ya know, it’s damn funny! Laughing in spite of the whole thing and somewhat surprised I guess. And also, maybe possibly, sorta, sub-consciously angry, on the inside, not angry I guess, but hurt. I’m butt-hurt. But that’s pretty deep down. That won’t come up 'til later. In a hotel room in Faribault, Minnesota after some good ol’ boys in the lobby tell me they’re surprised I speak “such good English.” Nope, those feelings are being held up at gunpoint and told to lay on the floor and count to 1,000. Damn... that’s just what they said I’d do!

I’m leaving the SAG building on Wilshire in Los Angeles, where I’d come for a free “marketing for actors” workshop. There’s a mis-conception amongst younger actors about being type-cast. They see it as the enemy and something to fight against. “I can do more than be the mom!” or “My agents don’t think I can get angry, but I can get angry! Watch this!” etc.

The truth is the best thing you can do is know your “type.” What are you most cast-able as, and then be the best “that” you can be. Getting any acting job is an uphill battle, so don’t waste your time and energy on playing Luke when you’re a Yoda. Yoda got a phat house too, yo.

Now, I know this, it’s not my first rodeo, and believe me I’ve been milking the scary, violent guy all the way to the bank. That’s my thing. Violent, malicious thug #1 all the way baby. So why the fuck am I surprised??

So in this workshop we each took turns sitting in a folding chair in the center of the room, while everyone else stared at you like a zoo creature and filled out a worksheet. The worksheet had a list of adjectives like:

• Likable
• Agreeable
• Ambitious
• Brave
• Calm
• As well as a list of jobs like:
• CEO
• Lawyer
• Clown
• Mechanic
• Baseball player
• And finally roles like:
• Mom
• Dad
• Quirky next door neighbor
• Vampire
• Clueless guy

So each of us was to simply state our name, and sit quietly in the folding chair whilst the rest of the group filled out the worksheet.

Now I was dressed in a nice pair of expensive jeans (not the kind with the holes), a pair of elegant loafers and a very comfy and stylish beige sweater. The kind James Bond would wear on a boat while sipping martini’s. I calmly said with a smile, “Hi, I’m Nick” and then proceeded to sit pleasantly and calmly with my legs crossed like some Oxford english professor for 15 minutes while these strangers filled out this single sided sheet about what kinda vibe I give out to the world. And what did my sheet say? After sitting there with a slight smile and sexy glint in my eye??

My mother always says “Nick, when are you gonna play a nice, romantic type guy?”

Here’s why mom!

Adjectives:

• Aggressive
• Dangerous
• Violent
• Bad
• Crazy

Jobs:

• Gangster
• Hitman
• Loan Shark
• Cartel member
• Drug Dealer

Roles:

• Rapist
• Thug
• Prisoner
• Creep
• Serial killer

Did I mention my FUCKING LEGS WERE CROSSED?!

Now, in all fairness, by this point I had indeed played a rapist, a thug, a prisoner, a hitman, a gang member and a loan shark. But I had become someone else to play those men. I had dressed a certain way and had held myself in a certain manner. I was not currently wearing a wife-beater covered in blood. Nor was I snarling or mean mugging or unpleasant in any way. I stared nobody down and I believe I even held the door open for some of these ungrateful bastards before the workshop began.

But your face is your face. And I guess mine is on the slightly unfriendlier side. Now, people who know me will say, “No, not true, you’re not scary at all! You’re the sweetest most loving, kind, generous, good-looking, wealthy and exceedingly beautiful human anyone has ever known!!” But these people have most likely caught me singing My Fair Lady tunes in public, or watched me cry during a one of those videos where children hear for the first time. If you don’t know me and you hadn’t heard me quote Land Before Time in Ducky’s voice then yeah, I guess I seem... hostile.

That’s the deal, and as far as deals go it could be worse. I mean at the end of the day it’s just a fucking acting career, I’m not battling not cancer. Shit, I can’t even play a doctor on TV, apparently. And having my face has a few pros as well. I can generally walk on more dangerous streets late at night, no problem. Especially when I talk to my self out loud, repeating the Spanish instructions from the subway car. And people tend to not wanna chat when sitting next to me on airplanes, so bonus there.

So mom, maybe it’s just not in the cards for me to play the romantic type guy that chases the girl down at the airport but you know what, the bad guys have more fun anyway.

And the next time I’m in Trader Joe’s picking up my organic avocados and apple cider vinegar and the check out guy says something like, “Hey you were on that show right?” And I nod and then he says “Man, I hated you so much!” I’ll smile and thank him for his kind words.