JUST A FEW THOUGHTS

I’m 45 years old. Yes. 45. Years. Old. I’m single. I work 3 jobs just to be able to afford the basic necessities in life (apartment, car, auto insurance, renter’s insurance, food, fuel for my car, cell phone, streaming tv – because it’s less expensive than cable, cat food, etc). Plus, I have a small LLC business that I’m trying to get off the ground. Plus, I am an Independent Sales Consultant for Scentsy. But those two businesses don’t generate much income for me. Did I think I’d be like this at 45 years old? Definitely not. I thought I’d be married and have a child by now. I guess it’s just not in the cards for me though. And I’ve learned to accept that.

I thought my life would have been different than it is now. I thought I’d own a house by now. But I don’t. I rent a two-bedroom apartment. The area of town that I live in – I always told myself I’d never live in this section of town. But yet here I am. My apartment is nice though. There are things that need to be fixed in it, but I know my landlord will fix them eventually. He’s a good landlord. So far, every time I’ve asked him if I can do something to the apartment (whether inside or outside) he’s been ok with it. The living room and dining room area is big. The two bedrooms are ok sizes. The bathroom is a little small, but that’s ok. There’s a decent size walk-in type closet in my little hallway area that I’m thinking of trying to convert it to either a nice walk-in closet for myself, or a little bedroom-type room for my cat. I do like the apartment. I just wish I knew how to fix it up better. And I wish I had the finances to do so. But I’m grateful for what I do have.

I also thought I’d be married by now. That’s obviously not in the master plan anymore. I’ve had enough horrible relationships that I feel that I’d rather just remain single at this point. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, used, abused. I’ve been made to feel like everything I do in life is wrong. I’ve been made to feel like I’m worthless. I’ve been through a lot in past relationships. The mental and emotional anguish and damage that has been done – I’m still trying to get over it. I still have triggers sometimes. I’ve learned a lot from my past relationships though. I’ve learned that I’m completely capable of surviving just fine on my own.

An incident recently happened at one of my jobs where I was spoken down to and made to feel like I’m no good at what I do (no one at work had ever spoken down to me like that before). I let the individual speak. When my coworker was finished, I literally just sat there. I didn’t say anything back. I showed no emotion whatsoever. What she said to me really hurt. But as I thought about it, and as I remembered the personality of the person, it became clear to me. She probably felt that she had to try to tear me down to make herself feel better. She has low self-esteem and anxiety. So of course, it makes sense for her to try to break my self-esteem for her to feel better about herself and her insecurities. I don’t have poor self-esteem, but even I’ll admit, it did work for a little while. She had me questioning myself for a couple of days. So much so, that I started to fear that I was starting to go into a depressive state. I then realized that was a trigger from my past with all of the mental and emotional issues that I had been through. Things that I had pushed deep down slowly started to make its way to the surface. I refuse to let that happen. So I decided that I needed to take a few days to be by myself. Recollect my thoughts and feelings. Regroup myself so that when I go back to work after the weekend, hopefully the hurtful things that she was trying to destroy me with would no longer affect me. For the past couple of days, I’ve been doing what I want to do, when I want to do it.

I also had to remind myself that I don’t owe any explanations to anyone for anything that I do (or don’t do). If people stop being friends with me because of things I’ve chosen in life, then so be it. I don’t do things to please others. I do things to please myself. Unfortunately, I realized that in my forties instead of in my twenties or thirties, but that’s ok. We don’t all do things at the same time in life. We all have different paths in life. We all have to be respectful of other people. We should be trying to build each other up instead of breaking each other down. Help others through their tough times. Acknowledge their accomplishments. No matter how small they may seem to you, it could be huge in the other person’s life.

So even though I thought I would have accomplished more by now, it’s not that I haven’t accomplished anything. And even though I’m not where I thought I would be, I’m where I’m supposed to be in my life. I can’t go back and start over. But I can start from today and live the best life I possibly can. Things don’t always happen the way we think they will. Things are always changing. We should be willing to embrace those changes and know that when our life changes direction, there’s a reason for it.

I know these were a lot of random thoughts. I had to get some things out. I guess this is kind of like blogging without actually blogging. I also think of this as my way of journaling. I’ve tried regular pen and paper journaling, but that just doesn’t seem to work for me.