Journal 4

My eyes heavy I remember the visions that await me when slumber takes hold. I have watched us die over and over as if I believe I can find a way to stop the bleeding. To rearrange and reframe the story already unfolded. When I am not lost in delirium I know I can never find you again. It's better this way, but a part of me wants you to know I figured it out. I found what I was looking for. It wouldn't have saved us if I was stronger than. The newly evolved maturity has caused several areas of leveling up. I have let go of most of the resistance that choked me. Here I am though. Lingering.

The shadow finally intergrated with the light. I am paying the price in order to conquer the obstacles needed to develop the abilities to build what I swore I could. I stopped betraying my intuition and as I follow the truth, I find the rabbit hole is bottomless. I find how love is everlasting and in this I accept that suffering too never ends. I sit in visions of it all making sense with hindsight and wisdom. I take responsibility for the possibility that every moment is the last. My body will decay and feed the earth as I move through the doorway into another dream within a dream. For now it's you and I one last time. All the agony of our collective actions dissolved and unaccounted for. All of our love blossoming again like the first time. Except this time it is framed and left to sleep in a box of what sometimes feels like dying memories. I am no longer sure I can picture my grandmothers face. I have forgotten her voice but never forgot the love she shared. My tears aren't of sorrow but gratitude for the opportunities to experience others as I could.

I do not spend much time wondering now as I wander into the chaos with a calmer mind. The static once suffocated me, and my thoughts were a war I was losing from the moment I awoke until I begged for moments of sleep. I stand in the field of silence beckoning what is to come next. Turns out there is no way to anticipate the storms or the the unraveling of those storms. I am learning to be in my flow state more consistently and take it all in stride. I find I haven't forgiven myself for the way I treated people in the past. I think I may never have a chance to reconcile with most, but I must reconcile with myself. In a place of love, I am able to understand and empathize with my short comings and the broken reflections that people witnessed me in. The knife in my heart is still sharp and deeply embedded. I do not know exactly when I pushed it through the chest into the bleeding organ. It's been there for possibly decades. As I slowly pull it out I find strange reasons of hesitation. I see now there were things I didn't want to let go of. I didn't see this until I was able to let these things go. I was refusing healing myself because I didn't want to say goodbye to you. Or you. or......you.

It takes less time to catch my breath but the impact knocks me to my knees everytime. It's okay I know it's apart of the process. I know I will look at some of these scars and only see the beauty before the collapse. I have to remind myself to not ponder what you think of me now. Even if I knew it wouldn't serve either of us properly. I understand where some would despise me. Where some would desire harm upon me. I still hold a few names in a vault buried in my mind. The protector only wants to remove harmful people. The protector in me knows I was the one to be removed many times before. I believe he succeeded almost everytime for the sake of those I tried to love and adore when completely unable to.