Journal 3

The echo of you haunts me through every corridor and over every precipice. We both know that it is only in my head. It is the broken carousel that drags the dead horse round and round again. I find laughter in that thought sometimes. As if I am desperate to provide comfort to myself. I lingered too long in the light and witnessed the portrait of god. A dead corpse upon a cross now only a symbol for what lack of mercy can provide.

I pulled the child from the rubble of a collapsed childhood. I asked him to trust me and to see the fire rising in my eyes. I swore I would protect him as I have always protected my brother. This world is a place of suffering and we are not allowed to lay down and die in false comforts. I prove to him that I have paid the price of my sins. These scars are real, and I refuse to ignore the purpose within their stories. I see clarity as we walk into this upcoming storm. In the childs eyes I can see sorrow for he knows my thoughts. He can hear how I keep getting closer to the edge of my limits with a hope that maybe this is the last war. That this is the last crucible. How I yearn to go home even when my faith is unsure the source truly can exist. The child knows as well as I do, I made a pact. A vow that will never be broken. One more step is the focus for the only real depth of meaning is that the journey is what matters. No longer a destination because there was never a promise that we would make it anywhere anyway. There is some peace in that thought.

I knew better as we traveled into the hollow earth. I knew the hell that awaited. I knew the consequences and yet again here we go. Thoughts become paranoid betrayals and the flesh burns. The demons are shadows only noticed in my peripheral. I cannot hear the kid anymore. That nightmare surfaces as I remember what it feels like to watch angels die. The innocent ones always end up as collateral damage and in this I recognize I was never innocent. I am a part of the machines curse. A cog damned to forever run in circles. Unless of course sacrifice is within a realm of truth and holds a meaning unscathed.

I clear my mind and just let go. I allow myself to dissolve into what feels like mathmatical coding. Shattered equations represented by symbols of a language we never could perceive from the realm of banished beings. My body was merely a cage I used. A tool or device to gain an understanding of expanding my conciousness in order to ascend it beyond the flesh and bones. The violence never truly leaves us for within chaos we collide beautifully the way chemical reactions explode and destroy creating something new. I am that which remains in the absolute void in between the light and dark. I am the knowing of all at once. No before or after. No memories or emotions desperate to create an illusion of control. There is nothing here in the physical realm worth keeping. In this I find my understanding of what truly matters to my soul.

You visited me in a dream like a furious angel. A deadly lotus bound to the gloom of decaying memories. I showed you the lake of fire within me that I was too weak to show you before. You blessed me with tears like holy water. As if you finally understood why. As if I finally was able to speak the words, I wanted you to feel. When I awoke, I knew the truth. I am capable of relentlessly loving and in fear I don't even attempt too anymore. I am a reflection of a broken soul.