Job Interviews Pt. 1

Maybe I have high standards, maybe I just know what I want. Either way, there are some things that just really piss me off.

Now I don’t profess to being any kind of guru or self-help life coach type when it comes to job interviews. But I do know that as someone who is hiring between 250 and 300 people over the next five months, there are too many people that just get it wrong. A quick google search will give you all sorts of stories and tips on acing an interview from an interviewees point of view but hopefully, I can shed some light from the other side that may or may not help. But either way, it should mean you don’t act like a total bellend the next time you find yourself sat on the ‘scary’ side of the desk.

The first thing, DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH! It’s normally the first thing you’ll get asked, “What do you know about Company X?” As amusing as it is to watch someone bullshit their way through an answer it turns me straight off because clearly, you don’t give enough of a shit to Google us, so I don’t give enough of a shit to give you my time. Recently this happened:

Me: “What do you know about our company?”

Some bellend: “I know you’re very customer focused”

>>>>No shit, you’re applying for a job in customer service<<<<

Me: “Ok, anything else?”

*Clearly struggling*

SB: “Erm, you’re a market leader in customer service.”

>>>>>Round of applause, now get out<<<<<

To be fair, I finished the interview. He didn’t get the job.

As an interviewer, we (and I’ll refer to interviewers as ‘we’ from now on!) will often give a brief intro to the job, the type of person we are looking for, and maybe even the process or the pain we’ve had to endure to date. Personally, I love to make the point that I’m going to be recruiting a shit ton of people over the coming months and I’ve already seen a pile of people so far and it’s not for the reason you may think! Yeah, of course, it may seem like I’m being bigheaded (aren’t I in an important position!) but there's a real reason for this...I don’t want to be here. Because of the sheer numbers I’m looking for, I’ve got better things to be doing with my time than giving up hours to see people who probably won’t make the grade. So recognize this. If I ask a question, I want an answer, not some long-winded explanation as to why you now cup your team’s balls every morning because you weren’t loved as a child and then don’t even answer the question I asked. If you know I’m getting through a lot of people, understand that I just want facts.

Don’t try and lie. The industry I work in is like a small town. Everybody knows everybody, and with that, everybody knows what you did and what you’re good at or maybe, more importantly, what you didn’t do and what you’re shit at! I recently saw two guys for the same role, one at 9 AM and one at 11 AM and it transpired that they currently work together—although 11 AM was in a more senior position and as it turned out, directly managed 9 AM...so I ask 9 AM a question, “Tell me about the best manager you’ve worked for and the worst.” What I’m hoping for here is that the candidate can identify behaviors and traits in a manager that they want to aspire to or replicate and also ones that they see as wrong or not working for everyone. 9 AM proceeded to tell me his current manager was a real cockwomble, never spent any time with his team, never got his shit done on time, and was often being spoken to by senior management. Guess what? 11 AM proceeded to tell me his strengths were people management, time management, and adhering to policies and procedures. Neither genuinely knew I was seeing the other (I know someone else who works at their place and they confirmed this for me!). So the moral of this story? Don’t bullshit me!

A favorite of mine is made up statements that are quite frankly ridiculous:

“I energize people.”

>>>>>Really mate? You’ve sucked the absolute life out of me for the last 45 minutes, take that out of your repertoire before someone hurts you<<<<<

I’ve got plenty more where this came from and if I get enough interest in this post then part two will follow shortly!

Thanks for taking the time!