Jane Austen Receives an Offer of Marriage

Dear Friends,

I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. As you are most aware I am sure, I have until most recently been employed at the local library. How many happy hours I have spent acquainting myself with books and newsworthy topics of the day. And how many interesting and unusual characters I have been exposed to in the most comedic of ways. I daresay, I am acquainted with every oddity in all of Fredericksburg. Even friends of no interest in reading or books have been known to send me photographs of unusual Fredericksburg natives to seek out if we were acquainted with one another.

This is a story that my many dear friends at the library find most amusing, and I am frequently summoned at friendly gatherings to once again give mirth with my tale of Gum Guy, as he now is most affectionately referred to by those of Library society. I became acquainted with Gum Guy by his frequent daily visits to the computer lab. He was always most astonished at my remembering of him. More than once did he find occasion to question my familiarity with his name. (He apparently is unaccustomed to good manners in young ladies, as you will see from my later anecdote. I have always been educated to use proper decorum by addressing acquaintances by name. My parents always emphasized this severely in my education of manners, but sadly, this proper addressment is lost on many in our society of late.) Another persistent visitor who I am most fortunate to call “Friend” now in addition to “Patron,” even once came to my defense, with a sincere pronouncement of “Dude, we come here everyday.”

It was on one pleasant Friday afternoon that I was seeing to the signup of computers. This gentleman and I had not seen one another for some time, so when he arrived, we most goodnaturedly shared regards for a time long between meetings and he most gregariously offered his fist to me in some sort of greeting of an informal nature. This was to be the last positive moment of our afternoon together.

Have I told you how often my education as a teacher is most severely tested while working as a computer assistant? It seemed to me this gentleman was sent to me as a test from Providence Itself that afternoon, as he was most rowdy and untoward the other guests. Upon arriving at the computer, he made unwanted social advances to all about him. I inquired of my Patron-Turned-Friend of the nature of this gentleman’s odd behavior and questioned him of his state of being. My friend was very unacquainted with this gentleman as well and shrugged, finding him of challenge equally as me. In order to quit the suffering of other guests, I approached this gentleman, remaining light and non confrontational with a “I see you’re making alot of friends today.” His face changed towards me and he shushed me as though he was indeed employed by the library, and not myself.

He motioned for me to join him in conversation, and I complied most hesitantly. He was most ardent in his appeal that he was certainly employed, as a landscape artist of lawns. He was most insistent that I use his services.

Wishing to remain impartial and professional (as well as fearing some second meaning unbeknownst to me, of a bawdy nature), I suggested that this gentleman give a flyer of his business to be displayed at the board where such things are noted for the community. He replied that he had no such flyer and demanded that I create one for him. I quite firmly declared that I surely would not be making such a thing--Shall I tell you how I tire of guests wishing for me to complete any sort of project for them? Ah, slothfulness is very much commonplace of this generation!--But I most kindly made it known that I would be most amiable in assisting him in the making of such an announcement. Again, this gentleman was very confused at his state of employment, for he shushed me again. And I returned to my desk, for I could see no argument of mine would bring him to his senses. I had my suspicions about his state of being, which you shall discover in due time when you read about my marriage propo sal from this same gentleman.

On his leave of the computer lab, this gentleman approached me to return his card and with outstretched hand, said simply, “Gum.” (He was lucid enough of mind, I am reflecting with clarity now, to know that I was chewing gum, a most irritating habit considered most unlady like that I wish to rid myself of it, especially to avoid such interactions in the future.) I looked at him with much disgust, as his squirrel-like behavior had quite vexed me throughout the afternoon. I lost all sense of professionalism and wished rather to correct his social errors. “Excuse me, do you have any manners? Can you ask me like a civilized human being?” I chided him, not unlike how I would have corrected one of my third grade students so many years ago.

He sheepishly asked in manner of grace and politeness, evidence that he is indeed familiar with social correctness. Seeing my complaint was addressed, I most heartily complied, sharing a piece of gum with him. (It is here that my friends often differ with my actions, observing that no gum rewarded would have more properly taught the lesson I was intending.) It is my only grievance that he must take pleasure in women of a bossy, motherly nature, for ever after, he was most keen on my presence, quick to seek my companionship in the recommendation of songs and musical artists. I would find myself leary towards this turn of attitude from him, but I am always most affable in conversing about music, a favorite interest of mine that I am most agreeable to discuss with anyone of any breeding or status.

One day, as I was taking a turn about the neighborhood, a common favorite activity of mine, as exercise is good for one’s constitution--and daresay, for the betterment of all my co workers of an idle and foolish nature--I was returning to the library to complete my employment for the evening. To my dismay, Gum Guy was loitering about the front courtyard with no regard to rules or decorum. He flew to my side in most earnest, with declarations of love, and while grasping my hand most affectionately, he made it his intention for me to marry him. I found this incident most disturbing, as I am so little acquainted with him outside of my hours of employment. I do give him credit for most wisely declaring that time was needed for him to work on his character and his personage. Am I wrong to confess to you that I was under the strong impression that he was under the influence of some substance foreign and unnatural to the human body? It is my hope that this suspicion of his downfalls and lack of society does not reflect badly on my character or my qualifications for future wifehood.

Following his intention to make me his wife, I took to diving into various rooms of the library as Gum Guy would take a turn about the foyer as to avoid more unwanted declarations of love and affection. I am most grateful to report that before my employment ended, I was most successful in avoiding him and the topic of marriage was never again broached. While I find him most amusing and--even I must confess--slightly handsome, it would be a match of most disaster and tumultuousness.

So I say, if you are inclined to read this internet piece, Mr. Gum Guy, I hope that it finds you well and in good spirits, and that another young lady of good breeding may enjoy the sharing of her own stock of gum with you in the very near future.

With the Utmost Regards for All My Dear Readers,

Jane Austen