Inner Rage

Vocal and I met based off an internet algorithm and the word challenges! I decided to click the link and see what it was about and liked what I was seeing until I realized there was a monthly fee commitment. See I've been sucked into so many online scams, it's actually embarrassing to talk about; plus being on a fixed monthly disability budget, twelve bucks is twelve bucks! It might not seem like much to some, like pocket change or a quick fast-food lunch, but not to me!

After much thought and family advise, I decided to make the monthly financial commitment and join as a Vocal+ member. The first challenge I wanted to participate in was called Little Black Book. I got busy figuring out the website and dealing with a few frustrating learning curves; many weeks later I finally submitted my first story!

I was proud, it was fantastic, I put my heart and soul into it; I felt very confident and really thought I was going to win one of the prizes! Announcement day arrived and I didn't win! I was stunned beyond stunned, totally floored! The Taurus bull inside me went into a boiling fury, my face went red hot and my blood pressure sky-rocketed! Bellows of hot white steam soared out my nose as I dug into my computer like a raging bull and cancelled my membership as fast as I could type!

I was fuming for many days, thinking how I got sucked in again and can't trust anything on the bloody internet nowadays! Maybe this isn't even a real company, has fake winners, phantom and/or robotic profiles, or simply they always pick their favorites, like friends and family; my mind was so angry and drunkenly spinning!

One morning a bit later I was online for morning devotion and worship services because of the lockdown; I needed help and guidance to release this lingering anger, all bottled up inside myself! After chatting for a while, I understood more about the seven deadly sins and how some over took me!

• In cancelling my membership, I evoked wrath (anger, rage).
• In wanting to win and get prize money, I evoked greed.
• In seeing the winning stories, I evoked envy.
• In having an excessively high opinion of myself and my story, I evoked pride.

I was told to simply have inner peace and happiness in my efforts and story creations, not take it so personally, not expect anything, give freely and enjoy it! My anger did subside learning this, however it's not easy to suppress the beast within!

Later that same day, I re-joined Vocal and wished they provided feedback on my story, so I could learn and to help me in the future. I also, wondered if my story even made it into the top twenty; they only recognize three winners. I know it's a competition but why couldn't they do the three winners and also have like twenty honorable mentions out of the hundreds and hundreds of stories they receive.

Anyway, I've done a bunch more stories and I'm currently working on the challenge called Raging Bull, surprisingly it's become the most difficult one so far! I don't want it to be the next bull fight or bull riding type of story, or some ornament on the fireplace mantel or brass statue in a who done it. I don't want it to blend in and disappear in the sea of submissions; I want it to stand out and make a connection; to be noticed, like look at me and what I can do!

So, my first draft was based on a young white woman living in the late 1800's forced to marry the man her father has chosen, but she's totally in love with a different man; problem is, he has a different color of skin and back in those days, well, it wasn't accepted. I incorporated many symbolisms from Hemingway's book, The Sun Also Rises, to illustrate masculinity, purity, alcoholism, sex, birth and death to articulate life's cycle and the different generational attitudes, earth's development and transformation over many years, also sacrifices in life and love. As I was getting to the end, I started having doubts about the different colored skin part, not wanting it to be refused for submission or offend anyone; so, I deleted it!

My second story was being told by a female ghost like figure that explains the multiple experiences she's had over the last 200 years! Symbolizing birth, death, the continuation of life, suffering of mother earth; many events of reincarnation until all her sins are satisfied by God, who then opens the gates to heaven, eternal life and becoming a guardian angel! Now these reincarnation events are not pleasant as they were punishments for her sins committed in life; ending in the final death by drowning, as it purifies her for heaven. One such event included being reincarnated as a huge black bull full of anger and frustration, as he was having trouble impregnating the female cows and receives medication that makes him dizzy and woozy! As I'm coming to the end, I worried if mentioning God, heaven, reincarnation, and such would spook or offend readers; so, I deleted it also!

My third attempt was about an alcoholic drug addicted prostitute that is sentenced to years in jail for attempted murder of one of her clients. Straighten out her life, symbolizes purification and confronting her suppressed memories and emotions of a horrific childhood. Trying to re-connect to her adult children and grandchildren, learning to not sexually flaunt herself and not feel so lost in life. Showing her inner strength and enabling it to shine and show others that she is tough and strong to symbolize masculinity. Problem with this story is, I got stuck on how to incorporate the raging bull, so this story was also deleted! However, later that night, I thought, oh shit, I could have created a bad fight scar that healed and looked like a raging bull, crap!

My stress level is running high, the deadline date is two days away, I honestly didn't think this would be so difficult; it's a bull for crap sakes! I'm not a quitter, I'm creative and smart, I shouldn't be having this much trouble. I'm a Taurus, the astrological bull sign, my characteristics are similar to the animal; determination, solid strength, slow and steady, get the job done and even that hot fiery boiling fury and rage, which I'm feeling right on the edge of now!

In my attempts to learn and understand bulls and get some inspiration for my fourth story attempt, I googled various things and ended up watching numerous YouTube videos under the name Farmer Tyler Ranch. I learned so much about farm life, animals, breeding, hay and even grass.

I used to think that if a cow had horn's it was a bull, but that's not true. The breed (type) of animal determines if it has horns or not, plus some farmers have the horns removed. The color of the animal represents their breed also, not their gender; examples like Angus are black, Jerseys are brown and Holsteins are black and white regardless of being male or female.

Also, rancher lingo is way more in-depth than I ever thought; there's bulls, steers, cows, heifers and calves, which are also categorized as weaners and yearlings. To determine the animal's gender and proper identification, you need to look at the animal's private area, yes, between their back legs!

Calves

Newborn animals, both male and female.

Weaners

Male and female calves that stop udder feeding from their mother. An udder is the bad of milk hanging down at the back of a female cow, it has teats (nipples) for calves to suckle on, like human breast feeding.

Yearlings

Male and female animals between three and four months old which no longer feed off their mother and eat regular food like the other animals.

Here is when males and females' identification become more defined.

A yearling female will become a heifer as soon as she starts exhibiting estrous cycles every month, like human female's monthly menstruation cycle.

A yearling male will either be raised as a bull or a steer. If a steer, he will eventually become the beef we eat and buy in the local grocery store. If raised as a bull, life just keeps trucking along as they eat, grown big and strong, develop attitudes and tempers.

Bulls

Also known as Sire, which means father; around two years old these male animals are used for breeding purposes.

They are not castrated because of desired traits/genes that are wanted for breeding and they will produce/father many more calves in its lifetime, than a cow will give birth. A bull's job is strictly to impregnate as many females as possible every year.

Bulls grow much larger than cows, have strong bold muscular shoulders, necks, and hindquarters; when fully grown they can weigh as much as 3,000 pounds. Young bulls can reach half their body weight around 14 to 15 months.

Now if the male calve is not chosen to be raised as a bull, then he will become a steer.

Steers

These male animals are castrated and raised for meat purposes, which you find at your local grocery store. This happens when they're young, before developing a bull's physical appearance and aggressive tempers. Castration means he loses his scrotum, which holds his testes, by way of surgery or a procedure called Elastration. This is a very small thick elastic band used to stop the blood flow and eventually the scrotum/testes dry up and fall off; thus, no breeding ability, as he will no longer produce testosterone. Testosterone changes the flavor of meat to be "gamier" which consumers like us don't want!

Heifers

A young female animal that has started their monthly estrous cycle, but not had any offspring/a calf. Heifers are similar in appearance to cows, but lack the mature characteristics like prominent hips and thick middles. They can be raised for breeding purposes or grocery store beef. Once a heifer has her first calf, she automatically becomes a cow.

Now it can be a bit confusing with regards to heifers and steers at first glance, because a steer will lose its hanging scrotum/testes and heifers haven't yet developed a hanging milk bag or udder; so, they look very similar. The only way to correctly identify these is to visually look; a heifer will have a vulva beneath her tail, if not, and no hanging scrotum/testes, then it's a steer!

Cows

A female heifer that has had a calf. She will have larger hips, thicker middles, a slightly angular body shape, lean shoulders and a broad chest, and will look more feminine than a bull.

Lastly, I want to share this really amazing short video of nine different bull breeds; it's spectacular to watch!

All of them are so wonderful and my favorite is the last one, as he is such a wonderful color, so smooth and muscular, plus I really like his happy reactions in seeing all that fresh green grass and noticing all the girls over yonder it's so delightful and lovely, and makes me giggle!

We both have learned so much about these animals now; our children and grandchildren will appreciate our knowledge of these animals, as well as their children and grandchildren and future generations of our families!