In all honesty

I noticed at certain point that when I journal, I journal negatively. Nowadays I still do, perhaps less, not sure (I also write letters to my little self which is filled with love and am not sure why I love her, which is me, more than I love me, now). I mean, there are quite a few rays of light in my journaling. Gratitude, self forgiveness, enlightened drawings and so on and so forth.

But when it comes to change, and appreciating myself, and committing myself to something, I’m harsh with myself. Hella harsh with myself. Did it happen to you?

“I took a 2 weeks break from my Instagram Business so now I’m worthless. Nobody does that (they often do), get a grip, Maya”.

“I took a half a year break from Vocal Media because it stopped being important to me, why? Why am I not like everyone else? Why can’t I keep going? And now I return? Begin all over again? Build it from kinda scratch again? Who will read what I write?”

You get the point.

When I need to love myself, I reject myself.

When I need to do something, I do too much, or nothing at all.

In all honesty, I quit because I wanted desperately to be loved and felt that people don’t react no more. That people here abandoned the ship, and me behind.

I also felt that people don’t really get me.

That I was ostracised at the end.

And I stopped.

I stopped writing here, something that felt like a chore to me, knowing I will return here somewhere in the future.

And I do, now.

I also remember wanting to win competitions and I didn’t, but after a few months, how could I? I wasn’t good enough professionally speaking.

And I developed another entrepreneurship project, in which I uploaded designs of my art and photography (which is also art haha) and didn’t get a dime.

But what I got is connection.

Connection with people.

Communities.

Bonding with people over warmth and bliss, from amiable exchanges.

And oh,

How much do I love that.

Instagram began as something, when I created my Instagram Business, something that I didn’t very much like.

But it became a stream of nostalgia, human connectedness, alleviation and strength. It became like my home online.

And apparently, when you love someone,

Most often they’ll love you back.

When they’re the right person.

But there are more right people than you might think,

And more seemingly right people that are actually wrong for you.

Also, there are people who will, at first, seem wrong to you, but as things progress you’ll understand that they’re more important to you than you thought.

There is also the feeling of being powerless and admitting that to people, and getting more support than you thought.

But at the end of the day, mutuality is the most important thing.

If you love someone, in a friendly or romantic way, but they don’t love you back, give them up.

Say “thank you for the opportunity, universe”, and let go.

When somebody loves you, and you don’t love them back, just say no. They’ll find the right connections that matter to them and which are aligned with them.

But anyway, Socrates said “know thyself”. And in a mystical way, when you know yourself, other people know themselves, too. Because the world is one, people are one, and we all echo and continue one another. When you heal, someone else heals. When you help someone, you inspire another to do the same. And all is well.