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I Would Like Refund Please

by Jasmine Harris about a month ago in humanity

Not Okay

I Would Like Refund Please
Photo by Cloris Ying on Unsplash

I don’t know what's going on. I can feel myself starting to panic. Waiting for the confrontation. Dreading the inevitable that is about to happen. This war that is about to start. I know what's coming my way. The yelling and slamming of doors.

I"m pretty sure the stress is giving me hives. The pressure is slowly killing me. My inner demons are just here to add a little spice to my already action-packed life. It’s a shit show whirlwind of excitement that I never asked for. I would like a refund.

I did not ask for this life. Someone else chose to bring me into it. Yet I would be wrong for taking it. I am on the verge of no longer existing. I have reached my last leg to stand on. I’m not sure if I’ll last much longer.

The guilt of having these thoughts is eating me alive. It’s almost as if I’m not allowed to have dark moments. But I can’t hold back the pain that is tearing me up inside. It’s something I can’t run away from. No matter how fast I run. No matter the distance. It will always be with me.

I’m trying to do this for my daughter. The thought of her being without me kills me inside. But sometimes I think she would be better off without me. Sometimes I wonder why I’m even still trying. I wonder if it's even worth it.

I am not okay right now. I just want to be ok. It doesn't seem like that is going to happen. And I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to turn. It just seems like everything in my life is spiraling out of control.

What am I supposed to be doing right now? I feel like I'm just floating along. It's almost as if I'm not really living my life. I feel like I should be doing more. It's almost as if I'm running around in circles.

I thought things were supposed to get better. I thought they were going to get better. It turns out that nothing is getting better. Everything just keeps getting progressively worse. I'm not ok with this. I did not agree to this.

I didn't want to be that person but, I would like to speak to a manager. I am going full Karen on this shit. I'm over the way life has been going. I don't know who's fucking with the controls up there, but they need to stop.

Did someone spill coffee on something? Was it bring your child to work day? Seriously, what the actual fuck is going on? Who is in charge up there? Why is no one paying attention to what's going on? Why has no one called the IT person yet?

Would it be too immature to run away like a five-year-old? Because I’m pretty sure this is where everything is headed. I’m over it. I do not care anymore. I am completely and totally done. There is absolutely nothing that is worth this shit. I am not ok with anything that is happening right now.

Everything is happening so quickly. I'm not sure how to process everything that's going on right now. I feel like my brain is malfunctioning right now. I feel like I'm spinning out of control. Nothing seems to be slowing down.

What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? I just want to feel ok. I am so far from ok that it’s like I’m living on a different planet. Most of the time I feel like I'm watching my life from the outside. If I'm being honest I just want everything to be over and done with.


Jasmine Harris

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