I Wish Somebody Would Have Feelings For Me!

It’s a depressing era. One that overshadows my will to be loved and my ache to actually love somebody. It’s annoying. I’m heavily known as the bitch that no one wants. I no longer wonder why. I’m just too much of this and too little of that. I’m a lot of shameful names but that doesn’t close down the matter that I would rather carry hurtful names rather than to be mean or rude or disrespectful! It’s how I am.

I may be dumb or like catfish ugly or a “hoe” but I have a heart full of love that in my young life I have already experienced it as no one wanting it. Nobody wanting me even. But I mean that’s okay. It’s okay because I know my heart is different than what most would expect out of me. I try to be careful with it but I’ve fractured my spirit/soul/hearts outlook on being loved or even “saved”. I’m so damaged but it’s who I’ve come to be.

I just wish that someone would have feelings for me. Still! Even regardless of the pain I’ve stated I wish someone could have feelings for me. Ones where I don’t have to fear if I’m being toxic or if I’m doing something wrong or if I’m being annoying or too clingy or overly attached too soon. You know?

Like any of that funny business that would make me more than beyond insecure in a relationship. I can’t comprehend why people will believe just because I’m a “pretty girl” that I’m all good and so. That maybe I’m wrapped up in my own personal set way too much that I come off as a possible narcissist or that I’m completely stuck up or generally so inclined with myself to the point that I definitely wouldn’t even want someone to “try me out” because my heart is simply on guard but also off duty and she’s a lowkey wild one that needs her glimpses of her own self and life to be brought out in a welcoming manor.

One where she will never have doubt in her heart ever again due to being enriched with grace and happiness that will need to last her an actual lifetime.

I'm not sure if my actual real soulmate wants me? I only just figured that everybody still has their rightful person that they are tied to spiritually and that i'm so late in time now that mine does not want me. Im heartbroken and afraid of moving on. Because even if i were to find a replacement lover that i would feel bad for losing my original love bug.

But maybe he doesn't care and i should not be bothered? Maybe i had my opportunity in the past years to have him being mine but i think i missed out on it because im toxic and sick and too negligent to reciprocate his love or care or protection in a relationship?

I wonder.... is something wrong with me? (yes!) Am i the problem? (somewhat!) How much more of this toxic exampled hate with myself can i take? (we are hanging on a very thin line!!!) Is there even a steady road for me to follow? (PROBABLY, NOT!!!)

Is it possible that there is a more than a one person to one person connection? and that i missed out on every chance there was to be?

I'm way more than just heartbroken i am in anguish with how unloved i feel. How under loved i really am and how much i reject people that aren't my fit (soulmate).

Am i exaggerating this? or am i correct and my life is actually not worth being loved or giving it to somebody special and lucky?

I might as well just marry myself.

At least i know i won't fail my self's expectations without a boiling sting to recover from my mistakes and troubles. A little bit like a hot scolding but without the yelling.

It's my party and I will cry if i want to. Too bad i won't even cry.