I Used to Be a Hero

Who decides who gets to be a hero? What makes someone a “hero”, anyway? Is it bravery? Courage? Goodness? Where is the line between goodness and evil and why is it that whoever drew it is allowed to move it whenever someone like me gets too close to the good side?

I used to be a hero, you know. On my last day on the job, I asked myself all of these questions, hoping that I’d find an answer satisfactory enough to make me stay. I did not. So I became a villain.

Really, it was about self preservation. See, when I was a hero, I was braver than Superman. You ever see him sacrifice himself, and I don’t just mean his body, but sacrifice his being, his thoughts, his true passions for the sake of the world? Because I have. I remember convincing myself at 5 that I wanted to be a doctor when I knew I wanted to be an author. Superman could never struggle through years of Chemistry knowing he hated the subject, internally weighing the importance of duty versus happiness everyday, just to save his family from poverty, sickness, and exhaustion. And Wonder Woman? I am the real Wonder Woman. I may not be able to fly, but whenever anyone needed me, I was there. I made it my life’s purpose to help. To be available. To keep my head down and work where others wouldn’t or couldn’t. “If i just keep giving them my all, I can make the world a better place” I’d say to myself. I made it my business, my passion, to be the best everything I could be. To show people who looked like me that we could be the best, that despite any odds stacked against you, if you worked hard, stayed in school, and did what you were told, there was no “bad guy” that could defeat you. Imagine my disappointment when I realized that that is a fallacy, a fairytale that doesn’t consider my humanity in it’s distorted reality. Imagine my surprise when I realized that it was the bad guys who sold me that dream all along.

I used to be a hero, doing everything I should to show up for the world and when I was in the thick of it all, I never once stopped to ask how the world was showing up for me. I never knew I could. And how was the world showing up for me? Was the world showing up for me? I was following the rules and being the best and doors that were once closed were supposed to open. And yet…

Yet, I dragged myself through an entire Master’s degree during a pandemic, thinking the degree, heavy with misery, and realization of hypocrisy would finally make it easier to work towards a better society before accepting that the same forces that caused the poverty were the same forces that taught me to sacrifice all of me to “save the world,” that those forces watched my grandmother, my world, pass away and still expected me to be there, serving them with a smile, that those forces killed her and told me “well if you just keep going then, maybe none of your other family will suffer,” as if they could promise that. They never gave me as much as an apology for, or a pat on the back, or even a break, they just kept taking. Then, it finally clicked: there was no glory in the obedience I was taught. Once I realized they’d take all of me if I let them while convincing me that I wanted and needed to give me away, good faith was no longer enough for me to keep going when the forces that be were going to win, even, and especially, if that meant I lost.

So I became a villain.

Not because I’m evil or because I have any less intention to change the world for the better but because I’m purposefully antagonistic to everything the world expects me to be and do. Now, I am my own passion. Everything I do is to save myself and the people, especially those who once saw me as a hero, love to see it. They love seeing me live out loud in my villain-hood, even if they themselves are not ready to turn away from what they’ve always known as I have. I think they appreciate seeing that the way I live is an option or they hate-watch me, uncomfortable at my audacity to be different than they knew me. Nevertheless, people may root for the hero but they still respect, and pay attention to, the villain. Why? Because villains are unapologetically self-interested. Just like me. Even in my quest to change the entire world for the better, it’s so I can have a better world to exist in; and people listen, watch, or read to bear witness and/or be a part of my journey and eventually, my success.

One of the first things I did with my freedom was start a podcast, Stream of (Social) Consciousness, where I dissect what’s underpinning the pop culture we consume and topics we trend. People probably think I’m a hero for the conversations we have in the Stream. Where the forces that be would probably prefer to remain unidentified, I pull off their hoods and call them by their name: white supremacy, capitalism, patriarchy, racism, anti-blackness, fatphobia, colonialism and people cheer.

“Finally! Someone’s talking about this” or “You’ve said exactly what I was thinking, but didn’t think I could say” flood my comments.

I had to grieve though. Grieving the life I thought I was supposed to live, the process of healing, distinctly makes my heart sing. It’s been beautiful pouring into myself the way I used to pour into the world, recognizing the ways the forces have tried to beat down the person I am at my core, and learning to actively say “No the hell you won’t.” It’s been revolutionary realizing that I’m worthy of a fulfilled life, my way, whether capitalism and white supremacy say I am or not. It’s been bliss to work at this life even if it goes against the grain of expectation and tradition. I want everyone to experience that, even if the forces that be wouldn’t encourage it.

So not only do I Stream, I write. I used to use my words for academic papers that only served an institution, but now that I do whatever I want, I use them to encourage other people to heal. To save themselves. To fall in love with and care for themselves as I’ve fallen in love with and care for mine. I encourage people’s unapologetic questioning and demanding change of the forces so that they, too, can not only feel worthy enough to live in a world that cherishes them, but so that they can feel empowered, seen, and valued enough to create it. My writing and my podcast work together to activate the latent villain in anyone who’ll listen.

In a perfect world, as these villains to the status quo are initiated, my podcast and writing would become a villain training center; I’d create a virtual and physical villain safe space. We’ll talk about the things no one tells you about being a villain like how to deal with the grief that comes with choosing yourself. I’d go on tour and host villain think tanks where we brainstorm ways we want the world to be more forgiving to us and ways to make it so. I imagine weekly video villain cabarets partnering with therapists, yoga instructors, lawyers, and activists alike to share with the collective of villains ways to do the healing and demanding it takes to see these changes through. Since being an academic drove me to become a villain, I’d also reimagine that system and create a villain academy where anyone interested in learning about the “forces,” what they mean and why we should be against them, can, quickly and easily. Think of it as “Villan-hood 101” for those who are intrigued but need time developing their villain identity. And though less important (depending on who you ask), we’d do it all in joyous style! The forces tell you to be humble, but I believe that my love for color and maximalism are key to my resistance, so we’ll do our dismantling in a nicely accessorized outfit and a great pair of shoes.

Truly, perfection looks like a world where I and we didn’t have to be enemy to the society we know just because we are refuse to be crushed or marginalized. Where we’re accepted for who we are and what we want to do. Where the want and need for change is embraced and not villainized. Until then, like every good villain, my quest for world domination(via healing, dismantling, and community) continues until every “villain” is thanked for their resistance with a world that respects them as the hero they are and always were.