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I Think I'm Paranoid

by david layzelle about a year ago in humor

The World Really is Out to Get Me.

Conspiratorial Proof

I have a new job writing about conspiracy theories… Or, do I? Maybe it’s actually that I have been selected to do it by The Illuminati, that well-known international group of world domineers, who want to get me off the scene in case I ask too many awkward questions. Perhaps the job was put up only on my version of the freelance website that I use—it must be pretty easy to do, with known IP addresses—so that I pick it up and not look too closely at the fact that the world is owned by The Illuminati! Perhaps I’m just paranoid.

In doing the job, I obviously got to do a bit of research since I don’t know it all—despite what people may tell you—and I do have to look stuff up sometimes. Unfortunately, in a mental version of Pandora’s Box, I now cannot forget what I have seen, and it is indelibly burnt into my previously-rational brain. I now firmly believe that there are frozen Nazis hibernating in a secret base in Antarctica—a base actually owned by a race of humanoid lizards, no less—and that the American HAARP system is controlling our weather and enslaving us with plenty of rainfall and hurricanes. Furthermore, I am now convinced that the 2004 tsunami was caused by a subterranean nuclear bomb-test carried out by India, and that the Pearl Harbor attack was actually orchestrated by the US Government to ease America’s involvement in the Second World War.

I have to say that none of the above actually sounds that convincing, though I was rather taken by the notion that the British Royal Family—who we all know are related to some kind of lizard monster thingy, possibly the same ones tending to frozen Third Reichers in Antarctica—murdered Princess Diana in Paris to prevent renowned Muslim, Dodi Fayed, from marrying her and getting close to the core of the British establishment. It somehow just sounds credible… In fact, my science-trained brain can take it a step further, and I can imagine Prince Philip himself actually at the wheel of the white Fiat Panda, that apparently bounced a ton and a half of the Mercedes Benz limousine off the road and into a support structure in the Parisian Pont de l'Alma tunnel. And then drove off unscathed. It just makes sense, and I even have a photo of it (above) which, as we know, is worth a thousand words.

Of course, the very nature of conspiracy theories is to make you paranoid, and like a dose of Ebola—which was supposedly manufactured by the CIA as a means of population control—sweeping through a West African township, once they gain hold in your brain, it doesn’t take long for infection to be total. A recent study has proposed that the belief in conspiracies is usually the result of some deep-rooted psychological malfunction within a person, which ignores the clear fact that over 50 percent of the American population believes in the Roswell flying saucer conspiracy, and up to 20 percent in the faked moon landing conspiracy. These are simply too big percentages to consider it to be a mild disorder. Furthermore, there is no real cognitive difference between the belief that the US government faked moon landing—which is apparently false—and that the government faked evidence of WMD in Iraq—which is apparently true. The rather depressing truth is that, if you give something sufficient credence, droves of people will believe it!

Conspiracies reflect a rather deep distrust in information coming from the world’s governments and scientists, based on known examples of false information, such as WMD articles, and how these bodies of apparent authority failed to respond to it. And that doesn’t make me paranoid.

david layzelle
david layzelle
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david layzelle

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