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i'm joining an adult tap class?

dancing through childhood trauma...

By JessiPublished 4 months ago 3 min read
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i'm joining an adult tap class?
Photo by Ahmad Odeh on Unsplash

Today, at the coffee shop I barista for, a woman asked to put up some new posters promoting the open classes for this fall. Dance classes. I was very happy to display them, as my sisters and I grew up dancing in a small community like the one I recently moved to. I glanced over the list while taping the papers to our windows and something weird happened. I think I randomly decided to join an adult tap class...

I saw the info: Thursdays at 7.

Something clicked in my brain. I thought Okay, I can try to make it.

I never try to make anything! Seriously. I'm meeting some of my wife's coworkers this weekend to play some games and have a little lunch and I want to back out so bad.

I can't tell if this is just my spontaneous ADHD brain doing a thing or if I'm actually wanting this. This happens a lot with neurodivergent people. We pick up tons of hobbies. Go on random trips. Get bangs. Tattoos. Sometimes I get random urges to do things I would normally be afraid to do like wear a bold outfit or sing karaoke -- and apparently dance with strangers.

I have some very odd trauma surrounded by dancing. It's a long, sad story, but I love to watch people dance or perform artistically in any way, shape, or form and I really would love to be able to enjoy dance again. Part of the reason behind this endeavor is that I just moved to a new state and I do want to meet people outside of my job, eventually. I told myself I would join a group. I was thinking maybe a book club, but this could work, too.

The only time I have ever done something like this alone is when I've done background acting. For some reason, that is something I'm okay with doing alone. Maybe because I pretend to be someone else? Should I pull a Monica Geller and tap dance under a false name? Of course not. She does tap with such confidence.

I do want to socialize, it's just difficult to get started. I've always struggled with making friends. I have had the same group of friends for over a decade and I don't even remember how our friendship began. In my adult life, I don't know that I've ever organically made friends with anyone outside of being classmates or roommates but even then friend circles felt forced almost.

We will see how it goes... I am both excited and terrified at the same time.

Today I hyper-fixated on dance clothes for a while just to keep the interest alive. I watched some Youtube videos teaching basic moves (are they called moves?) and steps, and I think I can do it. I can at least try even if I majorly embarrass myself. To be honest, a part of me is expecting that I chicken out the day of. I do that a lot-- especially if socializing alone. I did invite some of my coworkers from the coffeehouse and I do hope at least one of them is interested. I tried to persuade my wife but she is more of a surfer/skateboarding type. It was a hard pass from her. In the meantime, I'll keep looking at cute shoes.

By Mark Rabe on Unsplash

As for the 'making friends' thing, I did initiate a conversation with someone I've been told is my friend, so maybe I'm making progress? It's so hard for me to tell if someone is becoming more than an acquaintance or a customer (Most of my for-sure friends are actually past customers).

Next week, my goal is to actually sign up for the class, buy some shoes, and attempt to have a conversation with my potential new friend/customer.

Wish me luck! I will try to keep you posted.

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About the Creator

Jessi

Writer on the Oregon coast. Lover of nature, poetry, and coffee!

Feel free to browse, skim + comment away.

I love to write about my travels, lovers + neuro-divergence. Thanks for your support!

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