I Don't Want To Chase Scraps Anymore

Life shouldn't have to be this much of a struggle. Someone with years of experience in multiple fields of work shouldn't have to hustle 24/7 just to scrape by... and I mean that in the sense of paying the bills and that. is. it. No money for food, no money for fun... can't even afford to buy a new pair of shoes for work.

You know what I miss? I miss writing.

I feel lost and floundering because my entire world got flipped upside-down once again, and I was left scrambling for nickels and dimes. Now I have to do multiple side gigs while working a part-time job and STILL rarely even have enough money left for gas to get to and from work once my necessary bills are paid.

OH, and if it weren't for my fiancé, I would have starved to death by now (that's a fact, not an exaggeration)-- I do not have money for food, toiletries... anything. I'm in one of those cash advance loops with CashApp... but at least I'm only in one now instead of multiple like I was a few months ago (and that's only because Dave wants payments the day BEFORE I get paid).

Grocery prices are high, gas prices are high, and everyone you owe money to these days is sue happy... I don't even want to get into that.

There is something exhausting about constantly doing math in your head. Can I afford gas? Can I pay this bill and still have enough for groceries? What can wait until the next paycheck? What absolutely cannot wait? When every dollar already has somewhere to go before you even receive it, there isn't much room left for anything resembling a life.

And that's the part people don't always understand when they talk about "making ends meet." Sometimes there aren't any ends left to meet. You're just trying to keep everything from unraveling at the same time.

I've utterly lost myself. I feel like a fish who jumped from the fish tank thinking there was something better out there and is now flopping around on the counter, drying out, and gasping for air.

Honestly? At this point, it would be nice to just not have to struggle anymore, even if it meant the negative aspect of that.

No, I am not going to harm myself. I am just frustrated with the world, with my life, and with myself.

I think there is a huge difference between wanting your life to end and wanting the version of your life you're currently living to end. I don't want to die. I want the constant scrambling to stop. I want the anxiety over money to stop. I want to stop feeling like every time I take one step forward, something comes along and knocks me three steps backward.

I have pushed hard and gotten a bunch of marketing certifications from HubSpot Academy -- they seem to impress employers enough that they reach out to me, but then they ghost me before even scheduling the interview.

That part is particularly frustrating. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm learning. I'm adding skills. I'm trying to make myself more marketable. I'm applying for jobs, responding to people, rewriting things, updating things, and trying to figure out what employers actually want from someone who has years of experience but is still trying to find a place in a changing job market.

And then... silence.

I know "everyone is struggling right now." I wish we could all win. We could all find what we're looking for, career- and money-wise.

I simply want to live comfortably. I don't need to be rich, but I'd like to pay my bills, buy food, go do something fun once a week, like see a movie or a band, and not have to beg and borrow to get by.

That doesn't feel like an unreasonable dream.

I'm not asking for a mansion. I'm not asking for designer clothes, luxury vacations, or a six-figure salary. I want to be able to replace something when it wears out without having to wonder which bill I'm going to have to short. I want to be able to buy groceries without calculating every item in my cart. I want to be able to put gas in my vehicle without that purchase making me panic about what comes next.

Mostly, I want some breathing room.

I realized recently, as I vented in my own head about all of these struggles I'm dealing with, that I want to write again.

Yeah, yeah, AI ruined my career, for the most part... but there are still a plethora of writing jobs being posted online. One of them should be mine.

Maybe that's the thing I have been missing in all of this scrambling. I've been so focused on finding a way to survive that I've forgotten about the things that make me feel like myself. Writing has always been one of those things. It isn't just something I know how to do. It's something I need to do.

Yes, I am pickier these days when it comes to jobs -- I am tired of wasting my time. But now IS the time.

I don't want to end this year still chasing scraps.