I dont know who I am anymore

The day was warm with not a cloud in site. I kept looking towards my phone in hopes something good would happen. Somewhat upbeat and diligent somewhat annoyed. Trying to find the best ways to alter my mindset. I sigh and breathe a deep breathe continuing in the same cycle over and over. Quieting my mind as best as I can . A surreal feeling of happiness as I am reminded its almost time to get Ethan. That enough sometimes gives my endorphins a exciting blend of happiness. When I say I cant wait to pick up my son , I mean I cant wait .

It takes most of my day. I think about getting a job . Spiral and spiral I think when will I be able t0 pick up my son . The minutes click slowly and more slowly. I think ok it has to be soon now . And its not its slower and slower it takes longer and longer . More and more exhausting my hair frizzing split ends slowly ripping with each tangle nestled against my head. I look towards the clock again slowly and slowly . Some what of a dramatic way of thinking . But Obviously I am dramatic lately. So I don't care I continue forward and hope I get to pick up my son . Just two more hours and then one . A lack luster of empty hollow mixed with the thought of meh.

I continue on my train of thought to find something to do. I apply and apply for jobs . I spiral again then try and decide what to do with my life. A unhappy moment to the ultimate satisfaction. Getting Ethan at the end of the day. I gladly brace my thoughts and get a mild boost of energy internally. So excited and so thrilled to get somewhere in life. The positivity I felt was strange . A sudden swirl of hope and a excited pull to something in life as my mindset changed again . Finally to a more fun and excited outlook. I knew things were changing I could feel it.

Maybe I didn't need to be upset. Maybe just a positive turn to the future. Or a upright twist on the upside of my reality . Maybe peace comes from my creating . And in order to be happy completely I need to have hope in myself. I usually always have hope but where did it go? How did I let myself to lose my happiness . Where does it go when you lose it? How do you find yourself after its lost. When hope is magnetically pulled from the heart and you no longer feel with your heart. When your soul is tired and cant stop hurting .When your actions no longer have meaning .

I wish I knew where my life was going . And instead Ill never figure it out . Maybe I will someday , or maybe tomorrow will be the day I am ok. Consistently not consistent with a impeding feeling of empty. Once When I knew where I belonged. And now I have no Idea. I quietly curled into a ball refusing to do things I want to do. Hoping someday to get over the past. When Would I? Would I ever? Especially when my voice wasn't heard . Tired of being hurled . Needing the hope of tomorrow as I plan to cry today. Or maybe not maybe by time the clock hits three ill be excited to see what happens. This is more of a journal piece as I am trying to learn how to communicate again. Ill make more of these as I can .