I Am a Mom Now

I Am a Mom Now

I didn’t always want to be a mom. For various reasons as I grew up, I decided motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me. Firstly, because I carry a genetic disorder that I didn’t want to pass on; secondly, because I was married to a maturely stunted man from a neurotic family, and, thirdly, because of being one of the oldest grandchildren/nieces of a super-huge extended family, I had been saddled with the responsibility of looking after littles from a young age. It wasn’t pleasant and created the opposite of developing a nurturing nature within me.

When I got divorced from my immature partner and married my current husband, we decided we wanted a child. I was in my mid-thirties by this time. I had realized that my genetics played a minor role in who I was, just as they would in a child with a 50/50 chance of inheriting the condition, but greater things to offer life regardless. The man I married appeared to be a responsible person from a “normal” family, and I had learned a lot about myself and developed a desire to raise a child, instead of having the responsibility forced upon me by authority figures.

When I reported the growing pregnancy to my parents, my mother replied, “I knew you would want children someday!”

(No. How could you know that? I was pretty clear that I did not, regardless of your desires and assumptions. You also would have had to know I would be getting a divorce (which you very much didn’t) and that I would then marry a man who made me feel inspired to have a child. Where I was at in my life, you had no reason to “know” anything different.)

But anyway ...

Now I am a mom of a teenage girl in her last year of highschool. The advantages of being an older parent is the ability to mature into self-awareness, life experience, and parenting with intention. Not that many younger parents don’t do an amazing job – it's just got to be a lot harder when you haven’t had the chance to mature yourself before committing to raising people. Although, their energy stores are commendable! And no matter how much life-experience I try to share with my daughter, she still insists she already knows.

Many of my parenting counterparts are 15-20 years younger than I, which is interesting, fun and often, informative. Our perspectives and experiences are very different.

I was born when my mom was 19. The oldest of three. She had the three of children under her care at the age of 23, along with our dad. I can’t even imagine.

At first, I was fascinated and happy with my younger brothers, but that soon enough turned to annoyance and wishing I remained an only child. Nearly fifty years later, I still feel the same.

My husband and I decided we were happy with one child. No sharing of resources, time or attention. I don’t know how our only child daughter feels about it, but it has worked out well from our perspectives, having both been close witness to, and a part of, unhealthy and uneasy sibling relationships.

I was aware of the idea of enjoying the days of nurturing a child, but they still went by unimaginably fast. I remember snuggling the infant in the rocking chair. Now, the beautiful young woman is about to enter the new world of college and being an adult! I hope we’ve done a good enough job that she can make it a confident and capable entrance!

I never thought I’d be here, and now it’s time to let it go a little. I’m a little bit sad, but also ecstatic for the possibilities for her future.