How I Became a Villain

I love playing Paradox Interactive's strategy games, and I love Crusader Kings in particular. You have to play as a medieval ruler who can have a variety of character traits, virtues, and vices. You manage a small principality, duchy, kingdom, or empire, build something there, develop culture, fight, make alliances, weave intrigues, etc. After death, you continue to play for your heir. And so on until the end of the Middle Ages. The world of the game is alive. Everything there functions independently without you, each time in a different way. And due to this, you have to be like a hamster in the wheel to survive and make your homeland great again.

First of all, I struggle with the change of power. If you lost the main title, then the royal throne went to another dynasty. This is a failure since now you will have to be picked up by some kind of moron who is leading the country to death and collapse, derailing centuries of hard work. Without your control, meaningless wars start, and everyone wants to secede from the empire and be an independent king. Chaos and lawlessness, the country is falling apart in two generations, poverty, and endless slaughter for the remnants of its resources. And here, also, the peasants begin to demand liberties. What do they allow themselves? By the way, about the peasants. Building a great empire is not cheap. Catholics on the one hand, nomads on the other, Vikings on the third, and then the Mongols will soon come from the east — you need to be ready to hit everyone and everything in bulk. Otherwise, you won’t be able to sleep peacefully. As a result, I raised taxes to the limit. I hang all those who disagree on the trees. I deprive rebellious vassals of titles and then distribute these bread places exclusively to my close relatives since relatives always love you +20 more than others, and this removes a lot of headaches in the future.

In general, don't give the titles and positions at the court to the most worthy, because tomorrow the most worthy may decide that he is worthy of your place too.

If you appoint a great commander as a marshal, he will cut down all your initiatives in the council, and after 10 years, he will raise an uprising. It is better to have less talented but loyal people. It is desirable to have a relative. Removing unwanted people from the office is a problem too, because "there are laws, blah-blah-blah-blah". And vassals, in principle, do not like when one of them is deprived of titles for nothing; grounds are needed. You have to go around: send spies, look for compromising evidence, organize... various cases. Sometimes even with children. What is one child's death if you have the opportunity to put your relative on the French throne and secure a powerful and loyal ally for generations to come? Just think how many children this union will save in the future! Speaking of children. The frequent change of power is awful since, as soon as my heir sits on the throne, I have to settle crises for 10 years and prove that your fist is no less tough than your predecessor's. And as soon as you solved all the questions, the king died again, which means new civil wars for inheritance, tax cuts, and attempts to become independent. In the end, you cheat, dodge, and make one of the younger children the heir to the empire, who will then bring 50 years of stability under his continuous rule.

And who said that arranged marriages are bad? By choosing the right partners for my children and grandchildren, I was able to secure important alliances. And when the need for allies disappeared, I began to choose only those who were distinguished by good genes as spouses for my descendants. Those born with defects are simply excluded from the plan; they die childless alone, and the most successful individuals interbreed to produce even more powerful offspring. Four or five generations and our dynasty will look just like gods in comparison with other people: incomparable beauty, a brilliant mind, unprecedented physical strength — we all have these gifts from birth.

A variety of cultures? Religious tolerance? All I hear is "new riots every year". One empire, one people, one faith. And for all those who disagree, there are still a lot of trees in the empire, and there will be enough ropes for everyone. We don’t need distractions. We need to fight abroad and support our henchmen so that, at the right time, they will support us. Do you know what is the best way to protect yourself from the expansion of the Mongol empire to the West? To have a bunch of loyal states between you and the Mongols so that they can only get to you bloodless and weak, grinding their horde against your allies, to whom you promised help, but in the end, helped only with money for mercenaries to grind the horde even stronger. Did I help? I helped. The rest is not my problem.

A good idea is to become a Catholic and bribe and blackmail to push your relatives into the positions of cardinals and seize power over the highest power in Europe. Then send gifts to the Church and diplomats, and extort money from the holy throne "for the development of Christianity". But drain it to improve your army, build new fortresses, and go to war with other Catholics for dominance over the British Isles. Why do I need control over the British Isles? Well… For safety. Safety is never too much. Plus, if the war is going on somewhere there, then it is not going on at your home. My empire surpasses the Roman one in size and grandeur, but nowhere in its entirety is there no conflict, just a hundred years of peace and prosperity, while the rest of the world is constantly blazing in flames. Small states are already asking for our wing, but we do not accept everyone; we only accept those who do not have particularly big problems at the moment. Deal with your chaos, accept our culture and religion, and then - welcome. I created the Empire of Evil and managed it as maliciously and cynically as possible. The iron fist of my rule has not become softer over the years, and dissenters still hang on the trees. But you know what? My empire prospers. My people live in peace and prosperity. Our culture has surpassed other countries by half a century. And technological progress sets us head and shoulders above the rest. Our rulers are all brilliant, divinely beautiful, and physically strong, and our subjects live in numerous, rich, and highly developed cities in harmony, having no reason for conflict with each other. Well, who is the villain now?