How a Woman Survives in a Man’s World

Listening provides compassion and empathy. Sometimes that is all that is needed. I’ll always remember a meeting when I sat listening to an employee share her concerns. Towards the end of our conversation, I learned a lesson.

As the only female of three building administrators, I sometimes found myself emotionally connected to other women who shared daycare concerns, encounters with aggressive parents, and issues often unique to females in the workplace. One day during a conference with a teacher, our conversation carried us in several directions with her leading me down one path and then another.

Towards the end, I began to give suggestions, attempting to solve her problems. Her body language quickly changed. She frowned and said, “Now, you sound like a man. I don’t need you to fix my problem. If I wanted that, I would have talked with one of the men.”

Now she had my attention. As the woman in charge, I believed my responsibility was to make life easier and find solutions. However, as a veteran teacher, she possessed strategies to solve the discipline problem. Logically, she knew the necessary next step. She needed someone to listen and empathize with.

Women and men’s brains function differently

Brain research provides data that informs why women and men respond differently in conversations. The article 6 Differences Between Men and Women in the publication Science of People provides evidence of this fact.

These two pictures illustrate that a woman’s brain at rest is more active than a man’s. Thus explaining why, after a difficult day, a female wants to discuss experiences to process their thoughts and experiences.

“Women will tend to want to interact with colleagues after a stressful meeting or interact with family, friends, and relatives at the end of a busy day. These activities help women produce oxytocin, increase relaxation, and relieve stress, which in itself produces even more oxytocin, a critical stress-reducing hormone.” -Annis & Nesbitt

The same study reported men handle stress differently.

“After a long stressful meeting or at the end of a busy day, men tend to want to shut down and drift off–close off the world for a little while. Men tend to retreat and seek solitude or engage in some low-involvement activity, such as watching the news or sports, or working on a small project. It’s a natural tendency in a man to “turn off” to replenish testosterone, and that releases his stress, relaxes, and re-energizes him.” -Annis & Nesbitt

This information empowered me to comprehend why women and men respond differently; however, my quest became how to provide balanced responses to situations.

Weighing natural instincts against intellect

Through various experiences, I have identified the necessity to gauge my responses depending upon the situation. As my role changes from mother, wife, employee, and supervisor, the appropriate responses change. Depending upon the person, the environment, and the relationship in different scenarios, the expectations are different, causing a dilemma.

Natural instinct dictates that I offer compassion and empathy, but after a lifetime of formal training on conflict management, parenting, counseling, decision making, and business administration, logic often overrides instinct.

Too often I offer unsolicited advice to someone who needs a listening ear or reach out to comfort a person who requires a direct answer. And believe me, an incorrect response can be misinterpreted, refuted, or simply ignored.

Learning to respond appropriately

A woman working in a man’s world doesn’t make her unqualified or less effective. In fact, once I learned to identify the needs of the person and the requirement of the situations, I developed efficacy, allowing me to identify the ideal response based upon the circumstances.

Two strategies provided direction to how to proceed in a situation.

First

I discovered the power of asking questions. A wise man once told me to seek first to understand. With this advice, I asked for clarification about the problem and inquired what type of response the speaker wanted. Sometimes they wanted an answer; sometimes they preferred several suggestions of ways to approach a situation, and often they simply wanted to be heard.

Second

When it became clear that usually a person in conflict already knows the correct choice, the best course of action, I learned to listen attentively and restate the key points in the conversation. Upon hearing their own thoughts, speakers became empowered to identify the next step on their own.

An understanding of the possible response within my reach provided me choices and allowed me to combine the art and science of communication to respond appropriately.

Final take away

I started my college education with an interest in a counseling degree, changed to an English teaching certificate, and retired with a master’s in administration. Each of the three pathways required extremely different skills but overlapped in many spheres. Success evolved by folding the positive human instincts with the knowledge and skills to create a mature, functioning, responsible person.

I learned to combine The Art of Being Human by Leo Buscaglia and Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People in my quest to think like a man and respond like a woman in my personal and professional roles.

Leo Buscaglia speaks to the need for compassion in relationships.

“The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It’s overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.”

Stephen Covey provides seven habits to promote success.

Habit 1: Be Proactive

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind

Habit 3: Put First Things First

Habit 4: Think Win/Win

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Habit 6: Synergize

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

― Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

I may not be able to be everything to everyone, but with experience and education, I can shave off the rough edges and toughen the soft exterior to shape a gender-neutral response that addresses the needs of the situation.