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"HIT any key to start!"

The IT Invasion

By Malcolm SinclairPublished 3 years ago Updated 2 years ago 9 min read
3
"HIT any key to start!"
Photo by Chris J. Davis on Unsplash

If I worked in IT services, I guarantee there would be no IT problems ever again. Such problems would be eradicated, but not by conventional methods. If the computer said to me “hit any key to start” you might get worried about what I would hit it with, a breeze block perhaps! If the computer ever had the temerity to say “you haven't told me how pretty I am” the computer would be in danger of getting a sharp clout with a rolling pin, for insolence. So suffice to say, if I worked in IT services, yes we would all be freed of future IT problems. But it is also likely it would all end in tears with a lot of smashed-up equipment, due to computer rage. My last boss would say “not the right solution”.

As we speak it is Saturday 5 June 2021 at 23:39. My personal laptop was having a tantrum yesterday, so I just got up and left it to its own devices. “I am not playing that game again” I told it sternly, as I left the room. “I shall ignore you” I said, as if the computer could understand me. There are moments when I imagine the computer having human characteristics. When it says in more modern language the equivalent of “the program is not responding”, I imagine it coming from someone with a whiney voice!

As it is I am now trying to resuscitate “Rudolph the laptop”, because I want to do some work. In the same way as yesterday Rudolph is not playing ball! “Buffering… buffering… buffering”, or is it just being a computer? This is when I have a terrifying vision of my mum. In the same way I would be worried thinking about her behind the wheel of a car, I have the same worrying vision of mum in the modern electronic office. If she was alive today that is, of working age, and having to cope with the tantrums of the computers I had to cope with in the latter part of my working life.

In my last job before semi-retirement I worked in a home-based role. My front room became my home office, something I always knew would happen one day. Many times when I spoke to IT services they rattled off the list of “have you tried …”, “Yes!” I often said, before they finished asking the question. “Have you done? [this]" “Yes!” I would say, trying not to sound exasperated. In fact, the answer to everything was always “Yes!” Prior to this there was an awful lot of “switch off, switch on, switch off again, reboot”, only stopping short of “you take it all to pieces and you shake it all about”. Switching the broadband modem off, leaving it at least twenty minutes before switching it back on again, sometimes resolved problems. But there were also occasions when I came very close to doing that computer some permanent damage.

In fact, in the job prior to that one I had a whole suitcase full of equipment that came with me on every client visit. For the first, and only, time ever I had a company mobile phone. It was not a new one and its condition, design and SIM card inconsistencies, suggested it was something purchased from Cash Converters. Despite this, my BlackBerry never caused me any grief and it was good the way email synced onto this mobile phone. My company tablet did have its moments, but I worked out one way of navigating through the secrets of folders in its’ innards to resolve a recurrent problem. Once I said to IT services “if you promise in advance not to have me sacked, I'll tell you how I did it”. Later they were the ones coming back to me, asking if I could write them a description of what I did to resolve the problem… so that they knew as well. It is true to say that, in my last four jobs, I have always got one over on the IT system once. All the other occasions have been “Malcolm nil, computer one”.

The computer versus myself is like a battle of wits at times. It is almost like the episode of Murder Most Horrid, starring Dawn French. The specific episode being one where Dawn French was a police officer, required to work with a colleague she was not friends with and the pairing did not work well together. But they were having to do so, to get their suspect to “Confess!” That defines what my relationship with the computer is like. However, we do not live in an era where you can afford to be a technophobe anymore, technology is everywhere and for children it is just a way of life. I once explained to my thirteen year old niece, her age at the time of the event, what mindless act of vandalism I did to the USB port of my first laptop. Also what plug-in card I bought to overcome the problem, providing not one but two surrogate USB ports. The thing is, I did not have to explain any of this to her as if the process was something unfamiliar. A couple of years ago even “grandma” told me she had gone to PC World and bought a tablet. So finally, she could get onto the Internet reflecting the strapline of the driving school advertisement: “We’ll get you through your test. We’ll even teach gran a thing or two”.

As I am Dictaphone dictating this, for later type-talking back to the computer, the clock is now a bit further on from 23:39 and Rudolph is in the process of the reboot that I forced it into. At the moment, I am looking at a blank screen and the pointer is the only clue I have that the computer is not completely defunct. This might be one of those moments when the computer decides it wants to update everything, which is a request the computer often makes at the most inopportune times. “Let's finish setting up your device” it says. “Oh for God's sake, what is going on?” I ask it. More to the point, “Why?” This is the moment when a lot of the curses are addressed to my computer. It is also where I imagine my mum getting very stressed, with her lament “why do things always happen when you’re busy”. “Because that’s just bloody typical!” Yes, my device is going to be even better with Microsoft 365, “so you keep saying”. But this is not even relevant and what is going on today to try and make me buy? Why is it asking me to do this, because Microsoft hasn't even expired! “Oh for crying out loud” would be another of mum’s laments at this situation. Maybe followed by “Will you do as you’re bloody-well told!”

Responding to “no thanks” and saying “go away, I am provided with that software free of charge by my university”. “Hal-lay-loo-yah” is something else I am heard to say. This being said very loudly, in an exaggerated high-pitched voice, when the computer has finally got the message and decided to do what it was supposed to do. I have said some very rude things to the computer in my time, some will never go through the censors. Was this what the computer was trying to do on Friday, when it vehemently refused to play? My neighbours, whose dining room is on the other side of the wall from my office, have probably also heard me snarling at the computer rather a lot. This latest little tantrum has just been the computer deciding it wanted to “remind me” that my expired software could be replaced and it was surreptitiously taking me down the road of paying £79.99 for an update. But as aforementioned, I do not need this as I have already been provided with the software for free. So another example of the computer trying all sorts of ways to get one over on me. Does Rudolph not recognise what software is already installed? Where is the command button telling the computer to mind its own business and stop trying to be clever?

Many times when the computer has been ultra-stubborn, I have ended up cursing the computer with “alright, we’ll do it your way” when it refuses to print or refuses to scan something that could have been done in seconds. But yesterday afternoon the computer had been working fine. That was until I wanted to go into my budget spreadsheet to update it and also copy my scan batch of receipts onto the memory stick, which is of course my backup facility. But it seemed to start “buffering” and then “you wait and you wait… and you wait…” and this will get very boring”. To quote Little Miss Jocelyn, I get the feeling “this-will-take-a-long-time”. As we speak, another phrase I have often cursed the computer with is “I haven't got all day” or “I haven't got all night”. But it likes to take its time and I can hear the computer wail “I'm doing my best”. “Well get on with it then!”

Luckily when I was still working many of the clients I dealt with were sympathetic to my plight, as they were subjected to the same problems of a computer getting smart. Especially when I said “the computer is being pathetic at the moment” because it was deciding to do its own thing… and very annoying that could be! Be it slow motion, the screen freezing or what I was typing not appearing on-screen in real time, but with several seconds time-delay. Clearly there is much more I need to learn about a computer’s functioning and adjusting the settings: Things, in the normal run of events, I am too terrified to play with just in case I disable Rudolph permanently.

As for IT services personnel, I have found some of them to be rather smug and sanctimonious. Talking to you as if you think you are the only person having an IT problem at the moment, or you are a complete imbecile because you do not understand the complex details that cause computer faults. After somebody complained to my, then, boss about me I had no qualms about putting the boss-man straight. “I am not being difficult! What I said to them was, which their ‘all calls are recorded’ will confirm, ‘You are explaining everything as if I know what you're talking about and I don't’. So a very reasonable request asking ‘Can you please explain this more simply. I don’t understand what you are asking me to look for'”. But a positive outcome was achieved in that company, by enabling me to go directly to the IT manager. Meaning instead of going through an unhelpful IT Help Desk Frontline Team each time, I could leap-frog that process and get the help required. Compared to other places I‘ve worked, their system was archaic and software installation did not seem robust.

In the meantime, maybe the best solution really is to “Hit any key to start!” Everyone else had better stand well back to avoid the broken glass and pieces of flying computer, while they also check whether business insurance covers momentary lapses in user sanity.

humor
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About the Creator

Malcolm Sinclair

Over 50 and still very sexy.

Freelance writer, published author and second-time undergraduate student.

Retired healthcare professional.

Remember the quote and avoid the plagiarism:

"What could have been, never was"

[Enid B Goode]

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