History Of My Life, Part [i]

Let me "stage" a breakdown for you, if you will, and as sequentially as I can make it:

I was born into dysfunction. I didn't know it at the time. Concepts of existentialism plagued me from an early age. Also, thoughts more mature than probably should have been unlocked by my mind. Probably assessments of the subconscious programmed by the stuff of eons, leading the conscious to follow by no choice otherwise.

I always saw others as divine. The kids I went to school with were, for lack of a better term, "right". There is no prejudice or judgement there. I did not put my burdens on others by asking for what I desired, particularly if it came to money or I felt it would make them go out of their way, or "out of their way". I was simply of the belief that the desired results would naturally arrive, nevertheless. Not years down the line--if ever--mind you.

I spent many years playing video games like "Kingdom Hearts" and "Vice City", the latter opening my heart and mind to wonder. I barely recall two of my younger sisters growing up as a result. I felt alone otherwise. There were no kids, save for a "cousin"--then a girl I went to school with next door, and not much more than familiar acquaintance down the street, at a later house--nearby. I was averse to crossing the bridge to other parts of town to search for my fellow classmates, which was high up and would tense the already hour-long expected physical journey (I later crossed the bridge numerous times when I was late for high school, and did not want to burden my mother for ride).

I always felt I was simply known by other kids, though to this day I have had probably as many kids I might consider something like close friends countable on one hand, max. Two of them have since passed away. It seems most people only show me love in the work environment--whether mutual or otherwise--and don't show any sign that they give a shit otherwise.

Maybe it's because I was never upfront with my desires with them.

I wandered my way through college, despite high-school-age and prior conceptions of going and really doing something grand with the opportunity. I went to one of the colleges my shop teachers suggested. I never felt any natural push toward school spirit and specific colleges. Electronics was a waste of my time. I should have pursued a musical or film degree. I did not fall for singing and 80s music until my sophomore or junior year.

One of my roommates told me he believed I was unhappy. I wish I had the guts, the courage, the like to listen to him and leave that school my junior year. I also avoided working because I was afraid I would be stuck with pain forever. The concept of being put on the spot and under the burning radar of aggressive people always frightened me. I was afraid of having to talk with s0meone I didn't understand or would get angry by my facial expressions of natural tendencies. I only recently--within the past year--faced my fears of strangers and allergies especially by becoming a server. I did it for a few months.

I was sexually drawn to several older women (early 40's) at several previous jobs. I had a chance to express how I felt to one when one of my coworkers invited me to the party at her (the woman's) house. Ultimately, I failed. I also didn't want to make her uncomfortable in her own house. I have always been afraid of someone lashing out at me for asking, and getting the law involved. I care about people.

I have been lonely my whole life, so far. Aside from my family. My close family. I don't see many of them anymore. Not since I was younger. I am always out of my time, it seems.

In the words of Rush: "If I could wave my magic wand, I'd make everything all right."