Ghosting Your Date in the Old Days

When I was a teenager, I had a very strict code for dating that I decided on and implemented myself. There were rules like No Changing Plans. If I made plans with a girlfriend, I could not blow her off because a cute guy suddenly appeared. Don't Go Alone was another one. I couldn't go somewhere alone with a guy I didn't know very well.

But the really good one was Don't Phone Him. I had a very strict rule that I could not phone a guy unless a) I was honestly not romantically interested in him, or b) I had a legitimate reason to speak to him because of school, work, or church, and c) he was already my boyfriend. Otherwise, I was not allowed to call him.

I've got to say, this weeds out the noncontenders at a remarkable pace.

These days people claim that they have been ghosted by people they went on one date with. I argue that is simply not the case. Certainly, I went on dates with guys who did not call me after. Those were the guys who were not interested in me. They didn't need to have a conversation with me about how they weren't interested in me. I got it. They didn't call. Not only that, but I was usually in agreement with those guys because I too saw that we were not a good match.

One time, I was on an impromptu date with a sports nut. We sat between the couches at a friend's house and whispered to each other about our dreams and ambitions. We looked into each other's eyes and I do remember getting a little fluttery. It was an honest, vulnerable conversation spoken in soft tones. One that was probably higher on the intimacy scale than conversations I've had on more successful dates. Afterward, he didn't call me. At first, I was a little surprised and then I remembered--we didn't have anything in common. Just because we were both open to communication, just because I got a little fluttery did not mean that all systems were green. He was right not to call me. I didn't want to spend my Saturday sitting on a cold bleacher in the rain while he chased a muddle ball around a field any more than he wanted to spend the evening in a clean bookstore listening to the interwoven words of a novelist reading excerpts from their new book.

What may be worse is when a man is blind to the details of a conversation he should have been invested in and calls anyway. I'm talking about the guys who are so overcome by my physical charms that they aren't listening to a word I'm saying. The truth is that I have already rejected them ten times during our date. They just weren't listening.

"I don't want to date a smoker."

He has a visible pack of cigarettes in his breast pocket.

"I'm not very hungry."

There is a menu in front of me.

"I'm not all that interested in..."

He keeps talking.

I actually didn't mind giving guys the boot in a less complicated way if that was what they needed in order to understand it was never going to happen with me. But I feel sick and sorry for the women who are far enough out of the loop that they don't understand why he isn't calling.

The first thing I must recommend to any woman who is confused about why their date didn't work out is--you've got to stop obsessing over why he's not getting in touch. Maybe he got hit over the head and is in the hospital with amnesia or maybe... he's a lazy guy who already got everything he wanted from you. Maybe he was curious about what kind of person you were and your conversation over drinks answered all his questions. Maybe he only wanted to see you because he needed a little ego boost. Maybe he was lonely and seeing you for the evening was better than the alternative. Whatever it was... don't call him, don't chase him down, don't look for an explanation, don't give him your attention, don't make him feel loved, important, or like you need something from him.

Don't think about him.

The world is full of interesting, beautiful things that are open to anyone who wants to explore them.

If you had a good time on your date, if you liked him, if you want to see more of him, send him a text saying that you had a nice time and then move on completely.

Do not complain that he 'ghosted you'. Because, my dear, if you never send him another text, never send him another message, and never call him... technically, you also ghosted him.

Don't you feel better?