Flirting: a Writer's Guide

Flirting - the language and dance of love. It's something few writers ever think about or pull off with aplomb. Romance writers are arguably the most proficient in this, or at least they should be, but it stands that there are still more guides that concern how to write about sex than how to create romantic tension through flirting on the page (though you could try some of this yourself).

Flirting can be broadly broken down into non-verbal and verbal facets; when you write characters who are trying to flirt you need to incorporate both of these facets. Here are some tips for how to write flirty characters.

Non-Verbal Cues; Personal Space, Body Language, and Eye Contact

The majority of flirting is non-verbal. The world seems to be split between those writers who find this part easy and those who find it utterly incomprehensible. The problem is that flirting takes place on a fine and largely unacknowledged line that can render an interaction downright creepy if it's crossed. For this reason, you cannot guarantee that every person who reads your book or story will find your characters' romantic style appealing.

That's something you need to get used to now.

However, there are some things that you can keep in mind. Three things, in fact. They are personal space, body language, and potential restrictions. Some people might say that the last point is especially important for men to keep in mind, but the truth is that all three are important for everyone. There is, however, the fact that male characters will be perceived differently when they flirt - whether this is fair or not, it is true. Unfortunately flirting can be mostly instinctual, which means it can be hard to write if you're not in a characters' headspace. Here's a basic rundown:

Personal space

Personal space is important for a number of reasons, but when it comes to flirting how much personal space is enough can vary. Consider this; a person you're talking to leans in just enough to emphasize their point. No problem, right? Well, what if they leaned in until you were almost nose to nose? That would be unpleasant, right?

Flirting is much the same; moving a little closer can be pleasant, but get too close and the character suddenly seems creepy at best or threatening at worst. The idea is to have a character lean in enough to show interest and create a sense of intimacy, without becoming overbearing. As a rule, a character flirting with another for the first time should not get closer than the distance it would take to perform a ballroom Waltz.

To get an idea of how that looks, hold up your hand at arm's length as if to push someone away, then slowly bend your elbow until the point sits just under your breast or pectoral muscle. When you state that a character steps closer, most people will assume that they have allowed the appropriate amount of personal space, so only specify if you want to emphasize it.

Eye Contact

Eye contact is a little more subtle, a little less tactile, but if it's done right it can be down right tangible. Once again, however, there is a line; if your character catches and holds anothers eye for too long it becomes staring. It's fixative, not flirtatious. Which is useful if you want to write a character with obsessive tendencies, but not great if you're looking to write a run of the mill romance.

Flirtatious eye contact can take a few forms;

1) “Getting Caught"

This method involves your character looking at someone only to look away when they notice they are being observed. Have your character (or yourself) look away quickly and then back, hold eye contact for a second or two, then acknowledge the other person. A smile or wave will do the trick nicely. Maybe a wink if you want your character to seem confident.

2) “Lashes”

A common trope in romance fiction and film, this occurs where someone, usually a woman, catches their crush's eye, looks down, and then back up from under the lashes. Also incredibly effective when undertaken by men with long, thick eyelashes, so don't be afraid to break out those falsies... for your character, of course.

3) “Friendly Joker”

This flirting method is where someone winks, grins, or wiggles their eyebrows upon making contact. Commonly shown in characters who are meant to be goofy, it's actually an effective ice-breaker when does with the requisite amount of self-deprication. This is effective when used sparingly, but can be sleazy if the person seems to be taking themselves too seriously.

Body Language

The body language of both characters is of the utmost importance when you're writing romance. Your character should watch their crush for signs of interest or discomfort - body language is one of the most crucial methods of non-verbal communication. In short, your characters can say a lot without speaking.

Positive body language;

When flirting, characters exhibiting positve body language may:

• Leaning in close
• Looking at the others lips/licking or biting their own lips
• Tilting their head
• Mirroring body language
• Playing with their hair

Negative body language;

• Leaning away
• Crossing arms
• Refusal of eye contact
• Pulling shoulders up
• Crossing their legs away from the other
• Frowning
• Clenching of jaw muscles
• Balling of fists

Verbal Flirting

When someone says 'flirting', verbal flirting is what most of us instinctually think of. Usually of the witty, clever kind that is so common in Hollywood films. Of course, in real life verbal flirting can be clumsy and embarrassing, and somehow all the more effective for being so. The graceful verbal sparring, or clumsy wrestling in truth, of flirting is what gets hearts racing and stomachs churning; it is also the easiest part of the process to represent in writing.

So - why do some of the most vapid and run-of-the-mill comments seem to work between the right people?

Well, the sad news for your unlovely characters is that physical attraction is crucial. Liking the look of someone makes us more likely to respond to even shoddily constructed verbal flirtations. Then again, beauty is in the eye of the beholder so even the least pretty of characters could find themselves flirting up a storm with the right person.

Positive verbal flirting cues include;

• Teasing
• Compliments
• Inside jokes
• Using someones full name (yes, really)
• Innuendo (when carefully judged and well timed)
• Mirroring language and speech patterns

The verbal signs that a character is rejecting flirtation are pretty simple; they will not mirror language or reciprocate flirting and they may even verbally reject advances.

The Rest: A Writer's Guide to Creating Inner Tension and Attraction

Writing romance is not always easy; creating tension between two people is tough for any writer, but it can be easier when you start by creating tension and attraction inside your main character. Of course, as the writer you can simply decide that your main character is attracted to another character. The tough part is convincing your readers that the character feels this attraction, and there are a few ways in which you can do this. Here are the easiest ways to show that your character is attracted to someone.

Focus on the Details

When we are romatically interested another person, we hone in on small details about their appearance, voice, personality, and body language. When your character views a person that they aren't necessarily attracted to they may notice that they are good looking, well dressed, or interesting, but they probably won't dwell on that.

When they are attracted to another character, however, they may notice small flaws or irregularities and find them pleasing. For example, your character may notice a patch of different colour in anothers eyes, or a scar behind their ear, or even a slight tilt to their jaw. When this happens with someone they don't find attractive these features may be noticed without any reaction, or with a negative reaction. When they are attracted to someone, features like this may become a fixation or otherwise further endear them.

Engage all of the Senses

This one writing tip that I stand by when it comes to writing sex scenes too (along with a few other, less common bits of advice). As humans we are sensory animals; the way people smell and sound is as important as the way they look and think to many people. In order to get your reader to buy your characters flirtations, you must be able to show them how your character percieves that other person.

What perfume or aftershave does the other character wear? Do they have an unusual voice? If your character has physical contact with them, is their skin soft? These are the things you should think about, especially if your character is reacting to flirtatious actions from another person.

Amplify Their Reactions

Part of the process of flirting is the way that we react to it. Whether your character is the object of flirtatious advances or they are trying to flirt, their reactions and feelings are important. As, of course, are those of the non active character, but you have to show the reader their feelings via their reactions. Reactions can be visible, audible, or internal and when you want the reader to really feel what your character feels as they flirt it can pay to exaggerate them a little. Or at least to really hone in on them.

If you can nail this and add some of the flirtatious behaviour we've already discussed, you'll be one step closer to writing a flirty romance scene that pops!