Finding The Real Me After A Lifetime Of Drama And Turmoil

The Time I Realized I Was No Longer In The Right Place

I was no longer in the right place by New Years' Even of 2019. I just hadn't, as of yet, come to grips with that reality.

Looking back, I'm fairly certain the first domino fell in 2014. Before that, I was at least marginally content with my life and what I did for a living. That was the year I was the victim of an ambush attack in the county jail I was a shift supervisor in, and the year I finally learned the last lesson I would learn about the people I was surrounded by. Or so I thought.

In 2019 I was on duty one morning when a young man got arrested. I call him a young man because he was in his early thirties and I was in my later forties. I'd dealt with him before and he wasn't the worst guy to have to deal with if you're going to do that type of work. However, on this occasion, something about the entire circumstance felt off to me and even though I couldn't put my finger on what I was seeing, I made sure to warn the oncoming shift to keep a close eye on him.

Leaving the place in the capable hands of our dayshift staff and the command staff, as well as the extra hands that were on duty that particular day, the two transport officers, and the medical staff, I went home and went to bed as most third shift workers do at the end of a long night. The next night when I came to work I found out that not only had my gut been right, that something was off about the guy I was dealing with, but that it would be a miracle if he lived through the night. I've been involved in situations involving the death of other people and have seen death more than a few times, but this one irked me.

After reviewing the video footage of what transpired for the four-plus hours after my officers and I departed I was at an all-time low professionally. What transpired was nothing short of neolithic incompetence and a complete disregard for a human beings' welfare. I say this, having done this job for nearly twenty-three years at the time and possessing an understanding of right and wrong. Not a single person checked on the man until nearly 930a.m. and the only person that checked on him, observed him in what I can only describe as an unnatural pose, but didn't bother to physically check his well-being. It would be another 90 minutes before anyone would check on him and by then it was too late. From the point where he showed signs that finally made sense to being unresponsive was over three hours.

There were many things about my time in that profession that "rocked" me but this one was the one I couldn't let go of and it would be my ultimate professional downfall. I made the fatal error, professionally speaking, of not being quiet about what I'd viewed and asking too many questions. For many years I'd been the good little soldier but to see teammates so blatantly ignore someone in distress disturbed me.

At the end of the day, when someone swallows a bag of narcotics that are filled with fentanyl, they've done a very effective job of shortening their lifespan, especially if they don't speak up. Nevertheless, as a first responder, someone who took an oath to defend people needing defending, including from themselves if need be, I had completely lost faith in the system.

About a month later, I blew up about things that I'd seen around there in my time, and then it was going to get me. I went to my union rep, who turned an absolute blind eye to what I was telling him. When the union turns a blind eye to someone and doesn't show any interest in helping a paid member then the employee has not just got a battle in front of him or her, but a war to fight.

I was sitting at home that night, thinking about what to do about work, when I asked myself a question. Why? Why was I even there? Why did I want to continue to wear the badge and represent something that had never been right, or good, or any of the things that a police agency is supposed to be? Corrupted bureaucracies will be around forever, outliving all of us. When they start to become the vampiric, soul-sucking entities that change you from who you truly are, then it is truly up to the person working for them to decide who they are.

The choices really are simple. You either follow them down the rabbit hole, continuing to expose yourself to the things that you know are wrong, or you don't.

My Decision

I had dedicated a big part of my life to that job in order to raise my son as a single parent. Having had a child right out of high school and his mother leaving us both shortly thereafter, I had chosen a line of work that was stable and would provide for us both as I raised him. I had already paid the devil his dues, getting only a paycheck and a very false sense of security in return for my sacrifices.

In the process of working in that god-awful place, I had also sacrificed parts of me that I'll never get back. So why was I there? I was still there because I hadn't been myself for a very long time, perhaps since as early as my second or third year in uniform. You think you're a good guy, you're a righteous guy, and then one day you realize that it's not the job, the status, or the action that matters. It's how you treat people in the world that matters. That's what you'll be judged for in the end.

In mid-January of 2019, I stood up to the leadership there and made good on a promise I'd made myself a long time before but was very late keeping. I had always promised that if I ever saw the job changing me into something that I didn't like, I'd leave. I'd always promised myself that I would not let the job drag me down into a miserable place before I resigned and found something else.

There was a pandemic that came about shortly after, and it made 2020 a bit scary. But, I did it. I found myself, someone that I could start to be proud of, and the start of a new life at 48 years old. After 23 years I walked away from a life filled with violence, drama, and tragedy for something much more peaceful.

You think that you can't just make a change, or reclaim who you are because circumstances often dictate what you have to do over what you need to do. Less than three months after escaping from a life I had come to hate, realizing that I wasn't being true to myself and the things I really wanted out of life, I found solace from the pandemic and a renewed relationship with my brother as we escaped home to the outdoors during the lockdowns and rediscovered bass fishing. I would go on to meet my future grandson and learn to be his "Papa J", and I would find peace with myself knowing that I would never again have to do the ugly things required of a person when in certain professions.