figure out who you are.

Dolly Parton once said, “Figure out who you are, and do it on purpose.”

I can’t think of a truer thing that all young people should do.

I graduated high school with sixty college credit hours. I was socially a freshman, academically a junior. I had two years left of what is supposed to be the best time of my life, two years before I was out in the real world working a nine to five and stuck in the constant rotation of this world. I had two years to figure out who I wanted to be for the rest of my life.

And this ruined me.

I didn’t change my major a million times like most people, or even fail classes, but it killed my mentality. Instead of not caring and just going with the flow like others, I was working five days a week, taking 18+ hours, never taking time to just be.

I had this insane idea that I needed to go go go go. I needed to rush. I had two more years until I needed to know exactly who I was and have this big girl job, and I needed to do it all right then and right now and-

No.

It took a while to unlearn. It took me months to step out of that mentality. And it wasn’t easy. Friends that still worked more than me laughed when I said I was struggling, when I said I was suffocating. Friends that worked less begged me to take more time to myself. And I asked my mother about it (remember when I said moms are always right?).

And she asked me why. Just plain, simple, obvious: why? Why was I rushing? Why was I hurried? Why was I struggling? Why did I feel the need to suffocate myself when I was still only nineteen?

Your first year in college teaches you how to handle change. Your second teaches you how to become that change. I wanted to be this woman that changed lives, who wrote words down and people read them. I wanted to make an impact on every person I saw. And sure, maybe everyone wants to do that. Maybe everyone wants to be that important. And it’s not narcissism- it’s believing in yourself. It’s trusting that what you’ve got to give the world is worth it.

Trust me: it always is. And it doesn’t have to be- shouldn’t be- conventional.

I’m still unlearning to rush. I’m still learning to step back and take the time to write, to sit, to look out the window, and even to sing in the shower. I’m learning to choose the option that feeds me instead of the one that takes. So that brings me to the point: figuring out who you are.

Finding yourself out isn’t going to happen in a day. You’re going to learn new things about yourself every single time you look in the mirror. I develop a new ‘love’ eighteen times a week- a new favorite coffee, a new word, a new peeve. And I also lose a ‘love’ eighteen times a week- a forgotten hobby, a friend I no longer speak with, a word I learned in 5th grade English that means nothing now. All of these things teach me more about myself.

To figure yourself out, you have to try new things. You have to be someone who is not afraid of what they have to show others. You cannot be worried that something that is uniquely, entirely you will make another person cringe. Be the kid that people wonder about.

Be the kid that makes art between classes, comes running in two minutes late with paint on their elbow and accidentally smears it all over their exam.

Be the kid with ink stains on their cheeks at 8 a.m. because they fell asleep last night against their notebook and you could not miss this class again.

Be the kid that skateboards up and down the parking garage, drawing hearts and smiley faces in the dirt of back windows.

Be the kid that grows plants in their windowsill and drives with their windows down and loves the fresh air and goes on walks just to be outside.

Be the kid.

No one can tell you not to.

Try all of those things. Heck, try none of those things. But try things. Try things, figure out who you are, and do it on purpose, because whatever you plan most likely won’t happen. You’re never going to find what you’re looking for. A watched pot never boils and all that jazz. As Twenty-One Pilots said in House of Gold, “Life turns plans up on their head, and I will plan to be a bum, so I just might become someone.”

Life will throw you curveballs. You’ll strike out a few times. When I was thirteen, I wanted to be a marine biologist (what west Texas farm kid doesn’t?). When I was fourteen, I wanted to design dresses. When I was fifteen, I wanted to open a summer camp. When I was sixteen, I wanted to run cross country in college. When I was seventeen, I wanted to be an anthropologist.

The one thing all of these have in common is that they did not happen.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t chase your dreams- chase them, honey. Chase them until your feet ache and your head spins. But new things will pop up. You will never be completely satisfied with your life. So, don’t plan. Just do. Just go. Carpe diem, darling, life is short. And the best way to know who you are is to figure out who others are, and where you’re from, and go from there.