knowing your worth

At first, I thought I was the least qualified person to write about confidence, but then I realized that not writing about it would undermine everything I was trying to say.

Because I am not the most confident person out there, and I definitely have things I need to work on. But I know how to have confidence, and here’s what I’ve learned.

I’m an Emma Stone doppelgänger, an amateur author, and recently became overly involved with lattes. I have natural freckles that pop in the summertime, hair that darkens from blonde to brown in the winter, and a sweet tea obsession that my mother is jealous of.

And sure, those things are neat. They’re what everyone notices once they get to know me. They make me who I am.

But I also have too-thin-for-a-bun hair and sensitive skin. I got my second ear piercing in the cafeteria of my summer job, and I can’t wear cute miniskirts. I tend to forget things, like watering my plants and cleaning my computer screen, and remember other things, like the scar on my eyebrow and the mess on my desk.

Those things are less neat, but they make me who I am, too. Embracing them for what they are is the only way to completely embrace yourself.

I sneeze too loud. I forget to drink water some days. I have ink stains on my fingers. I listen to CAAMP and LANY too much for it to be healthy. I buy more books than I can possibly read. I eat way too many chips and queso.

My fingers are always changing ring sizes, and I can really only wear a size 7 every other Thursday. Sometimes I look blonder than I am, and sometimes I feel like that makes me prettier.

But no matter what, you’re always pretty. And I know that sounds like some ‘body inclusive, confidence boosting, social media’ crap, but it’s true. Because if you look at my Instagram, those are the pretty days. Those are the skinny, tight jeans, bright smiles days that are met with sunshine and likes and confidence.

What you don’t see are the days that are harder to smile on, just because I woke up with a dark red spot on my cheek or ate something greasy that morning. Maybe my hair isn’t falling right after a long night’s rest, or my eyes were too puffy to take a photo with.

You’d never see those days. That doesn’t appear on social media- and that’s the trick. You don’t have to be bronze tanned and dressed in a swimsuit to look pretty. You just have to feel that way, and the only way to do that is to know you’re pretty.

And once you know you’re pretty, you’ll always feel that way. Because, you might think the zit on your nose is important, or that the way your hair is falling different today is the end of the world, but no one sees that (no one cares, either).

Coming from a small town, I thought that people noticed everything. Seeing the same people every day did make them more invested in what I looked like, but after a certain amount of time, I also didn’t care. Sweats, no makeup, unwashed hair, so what? Rankin, Texas didn’t care. But Lubbock? Oh, goodness, I thought Lubbock was invested in me. In Lubbock, I thought I always had to look my best, no matter where I was going.

That’s a lie.

Confidence in yourself and what you believe in doesn’t come from validation from other people. It depends on what you think about yourself, and just because you think someone else is pretty doesn’t mean you aren’t. Beauty isn’t a pie; just because someone takes some doesn’t mean there’s less for you. Just because you don’t look like them doesn’t mean you are less.

I follow blonde and redheaded girls on social media that wear size 0 pants and XS tops. I follow girls that travel the world and wear swimsuits year-round and smile non-stop. These are the people I like to see on social media, but that doesn’t mean my feed, or my life, aligns with theirs. It doesn’t mean that I have to be like them to like my life.

These people would be ‘your type’, and not in a romantic way, but in a dream way. A dream that you have for yourself, for others, for the world. A vision that really only exists in your mind, that no one else sees. And let me tell you a secret:

You do not have to be your type to fall in love with yourself.

You do not have to be those people to be the same amount of worthy that they are. We are all worthy. And we all belong. There is a one in, like, 400 quadrillion chance that you even exist at all, and you’re sitting here questioning whether or not you belong here.

You might have days that don’t go so well. You might be watching an Instagram model’s story and be looking at yourself in the mirror, wondering why your eyes don’t look like theirs or why you can’t seem to make your bed in the morning when they just posted a video of cleaning their entire home before 10 AM. You might have a pimple on your nose, or maybe you’ve always thought less of yourself because others always have. But let me repeat myself: confidence in yourself and what you believe in does not come from validation from other people. Stop letting others define who you are, and just live.