Fear

There's something in this world everyone is in fear of. Whether someone is willing to admit it or not, fear lives in all of us. Sometimes fearing something can keep us safe like going somewhere. The consequence of that could be something youre not willing to pay. There are other times where fear can cripple us.

I have a fear of many things but the one that's causing havoc on my life is the fear of failing, The fear of not being good enough, the fear that I cant do the job. These fears are then causing me to actually fail. Within this past year I have suffered a major trauma and that's the passing of my father. From January 2021 until he passed in August, trying to balance taking care of him, my son, going to school and work was tough, but I had to do it. Within the year I had to really study because I graduated that year and had a very important test that I refused to fail, but I had other things going on.

August comes and my father got sicker ans sicker, until his passing. My father passed away a week before my big test and three weeks before my graduation. Of course like anyone I was not able to focus but I did what I had to do and I took this test, waiting for my results and ultimately failed the test. Heartbroken wasnt the word but I decided take it again. While grieving, trying to study again for this test in January, failed my driving test, move and dealing with an end to a relationship, I yet again took this test and failed!

It seemed like my fear ws just coming to life. No matter what I did, I was failing. Everything I wanted seemed to be fading away. Entering the new year I kept working, but that ended and I had to find another job. It was becoming clearer and clearer that something was wrong and everything that could go wrong would. I decided with help, to take this test again and I was so sure this time. But just like the last two times, Im thinking of my dad, sad every day all day, majorly depressed, had to quit a job but I still wasn't fully studying as I should because all of these things were blocking whats important.

I took the test again and recently received my results that I yet again failed. I thought yeah this is it! told my friends and close ones "I'm not taking it again, it's not meant to be" They tried to talk to me about how I did all of this work and just to give up now doesnt make sense. The more they talked and the more I thought, I realized I was being a hypocrite. I'd tell people "youre so close, don't give up" and here I was not taking my own advice.

I spoke to my mom and completely broke down; which is exactly what I needed to realize something. It's not the end of the world, no one needs your time and attention as much anymore, you have the time so whats stopping you. I had to wake up and realize failure is lifes teacher and instead of running from it, moving on to something else, maintaining a crutch, and using excuses is not going to open the doors I need, nor will they help me pass this test.

I'm starting to get out of my own way to get hat I need to get done. So has my fear of failing hindered me or protected me? I'd say it definitely hindered me but it won't anymore. I have to stay focused and I hope this helps someone else who has this happening to them. I almost gave up! don't give up.