Everything is Okay [Social Shock]

A lion is proud. A lion is majestic. A lion is an unyielding symbol of power and bravery.

To be a lion was to be all of these things. As a student, it is rare that someone thinks much of their mascot. To me, it was just an excuse to be loud and pretend you were different- better, in a way- than the other schools in your area. People would paint their cheeks with black and yellow, white for flair, and we'd sit in the bleachers and stomp loudly during assemblies. It felt silly to be part of the cheering crowd, it felt impermanent to wear the colors for a day that would be forgotten in a year or so. I was a cheerleader for a year and still found no real joy in joining the crowd's screams. To be a lion was nothing to me.

I was asked to be part of many programs at school; very rarely were they fit to my learning needs and interests. AVID was a program to help you with college prep but all it would be to me was a waste of time I could be using for other classes. Chef School was a program to teach and utilize skills learned in a kitchen, regularly serving food made by students to paying customers. I was a very obvious pick for president of our Gay-Straight Alliance even as a sophomore and I would be so until graduation. Lion Crew was a welcoming squad for incoming freshmen to help orient them to the school, to help them acclimate. To be a Lion Crew Leader was to have enough school spirit to reach out and teach it to a new generation of students. To be a Lion Crew Leader was to be extroverted and confident, lending a helping hand to those who might need it. To be a Lion Crew Leader was to be someone I was not, someone I didn't see myself as.

Still, I accepted. I had friends that were going to be joining the program to bolster their own academic resumes. Matching my first day of junior year with my little sister's made my mom's day easier. It would mostly be a free day to give a small tour to some kids, play some minigames with them, and encourage them to make friends within their tour groups. It wasn't my thing, but I could adjust just fine.

I thought it would be fine. I like to think I handled it but that did not change the fact that I felt so out of my depths in that scenario.

The morning was fine; it started with directing the incoming freshmen to the gym where all the Leaders stood beside the doors and cheered all of them as they walked in. The welcoming assembly started once everyone settled into the bleachers, though I have no memory of a single part of it. Teachers introduced themselves, presumably, and the principal probably gave a speech as she did when I was a freshman too. All the Leaders had been given a number and they read out which freshmen were assigned to which group. That was when things took a turn into severely unfamiliar territory.

My partner was a girl I had never met. Two years of high school and I had never heard her name. Kaitlin or Kayleigh or something like that; it wasn't a name that stood out. Yet she knew who I was and immediately I felt awkward beyond comparison. I hated this, I hated this. Being introduced to someone who already knew who you were was awful. It only plagued me with thoughts that I should know who this girl was, that maybe I was simply forgetting something we had done together. I was not a memorable person, not really. I would not have been known for anything important; the most outlandish thing I had done was be a cheerleader the previous year, but I hadn't even cheered for any games because of surgery. I hadn't broken out of my bubble yet and I hadn't gained the social confidence that comes with being deferred to and trusted as a young adult yet.

Not only that but there were more members of our group than I had anticipated. Or maybe it wasn't the number itself. Perhaps it was seeing them in person and not being able to rationalize their presence as something as simple as a single digit. Seven was not a lot of people. But seven was more daunting than I had expected.

We had taken the seven of them into an empty class to familiarize ourselves with each other, to build rapport and trust. It was only an hour but it dragged and dragged and I wanted nothing more than to get this portion over with.

The morning was slow. The morning was awkward. None of the freshmen were interested in these little games. None of the freshmen were comfortable with each other, they didn't know the people they stood shoulder to shoulder with. None of them wanted to be there, it was clear in their faces and clear in how they carried themselves. We had been asked to give either a phone number, our social media accounts, or an email to our "Lion Cubs" so they always had a way to contact us. I would say they were hesitant to do so, but that was not quite the right word. Perhaps I was overthinking it but they looked weirded out that they were expected to maintain contact. I did not blame them. I would have been more than creeped out if I had been expected to do the same at their age, if it had been implemented at the time. Needless to say, the Snapchat group we made was abandoned very quickly.

I tried to glide past the silences, to smooth out the hesitance of my group and partner with a faux relaxed demeanor. Apparently it worked; one of the freshmen, a boy named Jayden, happened to be in one of my electives and he sought me out for guidance just fine. He had been a naturally quiet boy but as he got more comfortable, with someone at his side to rely on, he opened up more to be more humorous. It worked and all it left me with was a sense that I was no lion, despite the mascot and despite playing along with the school's attempt at pride and spirit.

There is little you can do with a group who simply does not wish to be doing what you ask of them. You can try to change their mind, you can try to ease their reluctance. But if they have their minds set, if they are resistant to your guidance, then it is out of your hands. Even now, in new situations and years after this has happened, I tell myself that piece of advice to soothe my own anxieties and fears over not being "good enough." It is all too easy to slip into the mindset of "if I was just better" or "if I had just done this instead of that" but there is no solace in regrets. Undoubtedly, I could have done things differently on another day. But I also handled it to the best of my abilities at the time.

And that's okay. Everything is okay.