Entry 1: 16:07:23

Dear diary,

I thought I’d overcome the gloomy feeling of depression that had a home in my heart for a long time now, but nothing’s changed. I turned 40 in May 2023, and before that date, I felt like my world was over.

Most people feel proud of their accomplishments and look forward to the new experiences that come with achieving this milestone. That wasn’t the situation for me because, ultimately, the experience of turning 40 is shaped by many different factors such as personal, cultural, and societal expectations.

40 year olds are supposed to have reached a senior position in their field, or established a successful business.

They may have earned advanced degrees, certifications, or other professional credentials.

As expected by nature, they may have established a strong, supportive family unit and raised children to a certain age.

At that age, one must have accumulated substantial savings, invested in property or stocks, or paid off debts.

On a personal note, 40 year olds may have traveled to many countries, picked up new hobbies, or made significant contributions to their community through volunteering.

Alas, this is not me.

My life is the exact opposite of what it is supposed to be.

I do not have a job.

My business is struggling.

No husband.

No children.

No house of my own.

No car.

No nothing.

There were days I became suicidal while entertaining thoughts of exiting this world, but somehow, I got out of it.

On my birthday, it was as if life had handed me a second chance, along with renewed hope. I’d already made a 10 year plan of the things I’d love to achieve before my 50th birthday. Strengthened by this hope for a better future, I engrossed myself in making things work.

They say life is a struggle, and I was poised to make things work till this afternoon where something happened that broke me to pieces all over again.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I lay away reflecting on my life and struggles. Earlier on, yesterday, I had gone to deliver some clothes that I had made for a client. I couldn’t afford a ride, so I resorted to trek some distance to save money. I tried to calm my nerves while walking in the sun but there’s much the body can take at a certain age.

My life is a struggle with nothing to show for it.

I try not to envy my peers or long for the fine things of life.

I’ve always been a resilient soul, a fighter. Someone who doesn’t believe in giving up, until a goal is achieved. These have kept me afloat all these years - hope for a better tomorrow. However, yesterday, while trekking to go and make the delivery, it dawned on me that I should just give up and accept my fate.

A fate that I might never be successful in life.

It’s really sad coming to that realisation after countless years of hoping against all odds, fighting to survive and all that. I guess it’s my time to throw in the towel.

My sister, returned from church today all excited about a testimony that was shared during the service. I live in her house by the way and she’s two years younger. I couldn’t go to church because I had no money to pay for my transportation.

Yeah, she narrated how a 50 year old lady gave a testimony and the whole church gave a standing ovation in honour to God. She graciously visited the church’s Facebook page to pull out the video for me.

This nice looking lady who didn’t even look her age spoke eloquently with a British accent. She narrated how she got married at the age 40 to a man about six months older than her, had her twin babies at 44, and have moved into their three-floor house.

Impressive testimony, and I saw why the church stood in ovation after hearing those things.

Unfortunately, my heart broke further. I asked myself, why can’t life smile on me, just a little bit? Is there something I did that I’m paying the price for? It’s just too much.

I hear people complain that they have applied many jobs and got rejected, and I’ll just smile to myself. Sadly, I have applied to countless jobs, and have grown accustomed to rejection emails. Lately, I feel no emotion whatsoever when those emails come in. That’s because I’m accustomed to rejection.

After publishing this post, I’ll continue with the test article I was working on. I am hoping to get accepted to a site that offers study solutions to college students. The pay rate is $3 for every accepted task. Sadly, this is what I now vie for.

I am tired.

A miracle needs to happen soon.