Do I Still Love Him?

~ "HOW TO SAVE A LIFE" - by: The Fray ~

~LYRICS THAT RESEMBLE OUR HORRORS~:

"And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life"

OK SO STORY TIME???: ok well i lost someone who was always like a friend to me with the way he cared to check on me but in the bitterness of every commotion life was corrupting me with i let him die because i have problems with myself and i am a horrible person for doing that but i will always love and miss him even if i am actually hated by his loved ones and if he could hear me now he would be more than disappointed in me more than what i feared out of the childhood friendship that me and him never got to spend together because of the way life wanted it to be....

If only i wasn't such a fricken idiot then maybe my lost childhood best friend wouldn't have died on me??? Frickkk. I am so angry at myself.

ALL MY EMOTIONS + FEELINGS WERE FOR YOU MAN!

I EVEN STAYED SINGLE FOR YOU. whether "consciously" or not you are all i ever wanted.

Or well I was trying to save myself for you but by me being sick in life with the magic of the world there had been instances where LIFE threw at me SITUATIONS I didn’t know how to leave, escape or not be apart of in the first place.

Also because I was so madly in love with a delusional hallucination I had a hard time understanding how I would ever get the chance to be yours. I moved out of the neighborhood I as Keanna "Barry" was "born" in and didn't get any of the chances of us because I wasn't there to be with you:

1. being silly with you 24/7

2. getting to hold your hand as a kid

3. possible sleepovers even up until we were teenagers (if that's cool?)

4. uhh kissing you? :*

5. hugging you???????

6. feeling your warmth and love personally

7. lessons we could have shared together

8. being close in relations

9. sharing secrets

10. being in love with each other

11. us going 'trick or treating'

12. getting naughty

13. having inside jokes

14. making everyone else jealous

15. protecting each other from failures

My entire life I had just wanted to be with you. But I’m a transgender person who can’t give you what you’re looking for in a relationship and you don’t love me. Whether it be anymore or at all I’m sorry I’m still up your arse about me being lonely alone without you.

You are more so an “imaginary friend” because the guy that was meant for me is pure and you’re just a tid bit disrespectful and off the charts of what I’d expect of you as my love bug. ~ BUT ONLY COS YOU DECLARED WAR ON MY INNOCENT SIDE~ By being so perfect and what not i am tired of everyone saying they'd like you but your own girl doesn't. Because maybe that is just the problem. That other girls like you, you would like them and then they corrupt you with shit which is the very reason why I don't like them liking you because then you might feel like you need validation from them.

YET FOR SOME BITTER REASONS ALL OF THAT IS HALF TO PARTIALLY HONEST??? MAYBE MORE OR LESS BUT STILL IS AN ISSUE WITH US!!

Unless of course the pain I caused you all these years is a factor to you being mean to me and constantly bullying me than I just want to say I am extra sorry to have brought you any sort of toxic negativity when you made me love you harder than anything I will ever know! With all your kindness and care and being so sweet. Like pretty much you are just so cool... just so nice and it breaks my heart to have lost you in the ways that i did.

I honest to god thought I was placed in the world for someone special but I guess it got worn down to the fact I’m not worth anybody's time or energy. I’m just one lousy ass bitch that needs to rot on her own. So, we clearly can’t get married because I deserted you even to this day. It makes no sense to me why my heart still aches to be loved by you and it’s annoying that you think using drugs is only to suppress hunger. Like excuse me I use it to understand my depression and once I understand my depression I am able to climb out of that funk. Maybe not right of me to have used a drug that stops me from feeling sullen or sick but since none of that matters anymore I am just wishing you the best now.

Well guy,,, if I ever made you feel any sort of way that would lead to you feeling abandoned or not loved back well this explains it. I am so emotionally unstable even to this day which breaks the heart that can’t fit in my chest because of the fact I’m loving too I’m just a sick person trying to survive in a world that does not need me. It’s so obvious too.

"Never gonna give you up . Never gonna let you down . Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry . Never gonna say goodbye . Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you"

I gave you up because you had other options meanwhile my other options were never realistic. I let you down though because i am full of weakness. i ran away and unintentionally deserted you. I've made you cry? yikes.... please forgive me? So, i only said goodbye because i feared your rejection and was praying that i would beat you to it. Yea, i'll never lie to you and certainly won't hurt you unless you still think its fun to torment me from your anger on past situations that I obviously want forgiveness for.

YOU = "IM ALWAYS SAD" + ME = "IM ALWAYS WEAK" = "YIKES!"

Which is such a bad mixture since weak people like me can hardly carry them self and i wanted YOU so bad!! Like all to myself even. Which is something I got aware by that just is not your style. Just to be in my life and be held by you. Do all the fun things in our childhood like hold hands and have sleepovers and be in love. It obviously didn't get to happen because i had to move out of the area i got adopted in where my ex "forever home" was.

But also i wanted to avoid making you feel worse in your life yet you actually witnessed my BIGGEST failure between us... which resulted to February 14th, 2016.

I lost my sunshine, my only sunshine. Now all my days are grey.

I am the biggest negligent monster out here. And I am sorry my heart has a hard time letting you make way and walk out of my life. Ya know, because I am toxic and unlovable. Since you hate me... can't you make it easier on the both of us, especially yourself and let me go?

I keep seeing you in my dreams and it depresses me to have to wake up from you!! The whole "only in your dreams" cliché is kind of cool and kind of annoying to witness. Because although I am in love with all the things we did in my dreams I seriously need it much more on the psychical behalf. It makes my heartless ass want to cry.

"You don't want my body but you hate the idea of me being with somebody else. Our loves gone cold you're intertwining your soul with somebody else"

"If we say goodbye, I may never find Somebody-body like, -body like you"

"WILL ANYBODY LOVE ME WHEN I"M OLDER?"

"And I know we're not supposed to talk but I'm getting ahead of myself , I get scared when we're not. 'Cause I'm scared you're with somebody else so, I guess that it's gone and I just keep lying to myself. Oh, I can't believe it, I- I miss you, yeah, I miss you."

"What's up with the drugs? These days, these days. You got me on one I can't, I can't I can't get high without your love."

"lets dance, no time for romance"

"You think you're fine but, I won't be a slave to dollar signs, I'm my own best friend"

"Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time" + "I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined I check it once, then I check it twice, oh! Ooh, look what you made me do . Look what you made me do"

"You took my hand, you showed me how . You promised me you'd be around Uh-huh, that's right." + "I took your words, and I believed in everything you said to me . Yeah-huh, that's right." + "If someone said three years from now , you'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out, 'Cause they're all wrong. I know better 'cause you said forever and ever, who knew?" + "I wish I could touch you again . I wish I could still call you, friend . I'd give anything" + "I'll keep you locked in my head (In my head) Until we meet again (Meet again) Until we, until we meet again. And I won't forget you, my friend. What happened?" + "'Cause they're all wrong and that last kiss, I'll cherish until we meet again and time makes it harder, I wish I could remember but I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep. My darling, who knew?"

"I'm a star but I'm wishin' on you" + "Tried to call God but I couldn't get through" + "Some people give up, other people go dumb" + "Gotta question everyone . Some people want trust other people want funds. Chillin' in the graveyard ain't that fun." + "Praying for the world , while I'm playing with the world."

"Daddy, daddy, please buy me a sweet . I know you got money. I want that big chocolate bunny, in my mother-fucking tummy" + "Come on daddy, buy me that chocolate bunny, I know you got money. I want it, I want it, I want it , I want it, you'll give it to me!" + "Yo, uh, baby girl like rap , Baby girl like fun , Baby girl forgot to wear panties so I smacked her on the bum bum. Baby girl love her daddy. Daddy, he play rough and daddy like to make his baby girl do unusual stuff."

"Take me back to the night, we met in the yard climbing up to the roof, hidden in the dark with a bottle of wine for two, though I'm already drunk off you then we both fell asleep, underneath the stars." + "We're young and naive, and you're tellin' me that someday we'll run off together. I'm startin' to think, I'm stuck in a dream? 'Cause we're young and we don't know better." + "Now I'm fallin' heavily, recklessly. Trying not to lose my sensibility but gravity, it pulls me into you. We're just a couple of kids. We're just a couple of kids sneakin' out late for a kiss 'Cause we're just a couple of kids"

"i can't wait for you to come home (come home) I can't wait for you to come home (come home) . Fall into bed again. do the talking, i'll be listening you brought my walls down and i let you in (i let you in).

"Powers above bring me closer to you when I look above I see the matter of truth." + "It took a little time to discover that one day we would find one another. I pray I find the way to uncover your love because your heart is like no other. There's somethin about you, cause I cannot have you. And I don't want to have to think about the way that I want you." + "I'm out of my mind for thinking you'd wanna stay."

"You were with your friends partying when the alcohol kicked in. Said you wanted me dead. So, you show up at my home, all alone with a shovel and a rose. Do you think I'm a joke? 'Cause people like you always want back what they can't have but I'm past that and you know that." + "So you should turn back to your rat pack, tell 'em I'm trash" + "Tell all of your friends that I'm crazy and drive you mad. That I'm such a stalker, a watcher, a psychopath. And tell them you hate me and dated me just for laughs. So, why do you call me and tell me you want me back? You maniac!"

"Lately, I've been, I've been thinking I want you to be happier. I want you to be happier. When the morning comes, when we see what we've become. In the cold light of day we're a flame in the wind, not the fire that we've begun." + "Then only for a minute I want to change my mind 'cause this just don't feel right to me. I wanna raise your spirits. I want to see you smile, but know that means I'll have to leave."

"Oh, I don't need your shit . And I deserve better than this . My head knows I should quit, yeah . But my heart can't help it".

I love you and its killing me?

I love you but its killing me?

I love you yet its killing me?

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

~ITS KILLING ME?~

Or was I just in love with the distant idea of us? And not because you don't deserve my love but because I don't know how to shed or embrace love the proper way in a relationship?

I hate myself and its not killing you?

I hate myself but its not killing you?

I hate myself yet its not killing you?

I HATE ME! I HATE ME! I HATE ME!

~ITS NOT KILLING YOU?~

The sounds of him (you) were like a lullaby and I just love to sleep. Now he would be considered as a "forbidden lullaby" as in I am no longer allowed to see him like that or have him soothe me in any way. Heartbreaking but at least it is realistic and i am in knowledge of it instead of siting here looking dumb.

It sounds like magic with some majesty to it. It seems to be like something so welcoming and worthy of embracing. Yet for some reason all the magic between us needs to go away. So i can live my life at peace and you can start to forgive yourself?

So long and goodbye... So long and goodbye? Because you make me feel this way!?? That it has been some time now and now i must go? Well since i am respectful i'll leave and wish you the best?

hahaha jokes on me because if i ain't with you then i don't want nobody??? Too bad you're way too gone to even want me anymore so i take my forced way of having to let go of you seriously and then i must be on my way of getting away from you?

Me running away from your love be like that... Every time too. So watch yourself buddy i like cardio a lot. See ya later little hater. MWAH!

listening to the songs from my when i first found Spotify back in 2015 playlist. aka the songs that came true because i also was smoking weed to all of them. lowkey the reason you went and i didn't.

I love you and am embarrassed by how apologetic I am for you because honestly I let you down by being scared of life and in life and just wish we were like there for each other because I'm scared of what's going on in my life right now but why scare/annoy/bother you with my life when I'd much rather hear yours and help you out with your struggles. All of them too? From your Keanna (your ex's) based issues to your personal problems to you non Keanna based problems and everything else and in-between?

Because I do love my ex who would have been "my everything" which is you because I dreamt and felt that and would love to be your cutie because well even though my insecurities controls me there was a deep sadness in me even though I couldn't tell before of us mindreading because I have a hard time with people and saving connections between us and also I suck at looking into situations and getting the full idea of who you are from bare information. Because I feel like I have schizophrenia because of you and although I'm diagnosed it still interferes with my life and I don't like it since it made and still makes me stray from you.

I'm a little bit petty and annoying and sad n scared & also a tad bit lonely and less sullen for I've been doing drugs again and it really helped me benefit for days to come as in I'm in my miserable streak being able to breathe, live, function slightly although it is low functioning, and can adjust my concerns on myself by being willing to address my stress, problems, and sadness all in all because I'm living the days I would have been in silent agony being able to be okay if that makes any sense??????????

But, anyway I wish I could here from you personally. Ya know for closure? I am all over the place with my feelings of you. At times i want to appreciate you other times i wish you'd just leave me alone? But most of the time i just wish i could apologize to your face.