Dipping My Toe in the Water

I’ll be honest, I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus recently.

Part of that has been because my mental illnesses are on the fritz again; like bad wiring in a cheap lamp. Motivation flickers on and off, my body aches here one day and there the next, and every day I question whether I can still call myself a “young writer” at Twenty-four.

So, I decided to turn that into an article, because I can’t possibly be the only Creative who experiences this. For the sake of putting a name to a feeling, let’s call what I’m describing mental plateauing.

Where does it start? For me, it hits after a few days of really solid progress. For example, I made a ton of posts on my Vocal+ account when I first started. I was on a roll, and that roll felt INCREDIBLE! My work was being curated into one convenient location. I, essentially, had the digital portfolio I’d always wanted.

Then, the doubt started creeping in. Little things people would say to me started rolling around in my head; pebbles in a shoe that wouldn’t shake out. Was I really being supported, or were the people in my life just being nice? Was pursuing writing too much of a risk? What if it didn’t pay off? How long did I have before someone stepped in and forced me to quit?

Did my mom sound a little TOO happy when I said I’d be taking a sales job full-time? She did, didn’t she? Why did I think I could do this?! This was a fantasy! I couldn’t be a writer! I needed to grow up! This was just a hobby; no more valuable than cork stamp-art or collecting decorative buttons!

Step Two came on the first day that I had zero ideas on what to write. I’d posted all my film reviews, entered two challenges, and wrote two autobiographic articles. That morning, I opened my laptop and stared at a blank screen for an hour, just willing my subconscious to dig up something of worth.

Maybe I was restless? I went for a walk. It didn’t work.

Maybe I was hungry? Panera Bread did not solve my problem.

Maybe I was sick? I did feel very warm and dizzy.

Step Three: wake up and swear THIS will be the day I get back on schedule! Promptly become distracted by the fact that I still feel sick and I have a final interview for that sales job I’ll be taking to please my parents.

Become lost in thoughts. Black out. Lose hours.

Realize it’s nighttime and I haven’t eaten all day.

After Step Three, the fog settled in. I became, to borrow from Pink Floyd, comfortably numb. My depression was having a field day with this return to form. For the past few weeks, I’ve felt like my high school self (not in a good way.) Every time I’d open Pages on my Mac, none of my ideas would seem interesting enough to put into words. There was a pain linked to writing. I wanted to, I really wanted to, I just…couldn’t. There were so many thoughts and worries in my mind, from the news, politics, paperwork, and that constant question: what do my friends and family really think of me?

It was easier, ultimately, to let the days slip away. If I spent any amount of time out of my self-imposed apathy, I feared the bombardment of unwanted stimulation from the outside world. I was tired!

That’s what mental plateauing does to you: it steals your energy. You’re simply coasting along a flat surface with no idea of when you’ll hit a change in elevation. Will you run into an incline and get everything back? Will a sudden burst of energy push you up, handing you back inspiration and motivation,

Edit: it’s been a few weeks since I wrote this. I found a solution.

Take some time to work a job you really cannot stand.

For the past week and a half, I’ve been working with a company that sells internet, phone service, and television to small businesses. Sounds great, right?

You’d be surprised how many companies don’t want what I was selling.

At my worst day, ironically also the first day I was out on my own, I visited sixty-three different businesses, and got around twenty-nine “no’s” and “my boss isn’t here’s” and “not today, thank you’s!”

The other thirty-four businesses didn’t even qualify for my company’s products.

I spent all day giving the same pitch over and over. It drove me bananas.

And just like that, my spark to create was back! Because if I was going to spend all day being told “no,” that time would be better served working on something I was actually passionate about! And at the end of the day, at least with writing, I’d have something I completed! Something to be proud of!

Tonight, I’ll be tendering my resignation from my sales job and focusing on my writing and filmmaking. Today, I’m finishing this article, my review for Mortal Kombat (2021), and posting both to my Vocal account.

I also went to the doctor by myself for the first time, and I only cried a little when I got my glucose test.

What’s the point of writing this? Why did I come back and decide this article needed to be finished and sent out for the world to see? I think it’s invaluable to have someone tell you straight-up: you can learn from unhappiness without staying in it. I learned a lot from my sales job! I’m less shy now, I’m more up-front, and I met some great people! I hope they’ll still be my friends once I’m officially out; then again, if they don’t stay friendly, they were never friends to begin with.

I’m glad I took the leap and tried something new! Now I can definitively say, I don’t like working in sales and I never want to work in sales again.

Take chances. Take risks. Go for that job you think you’ll hate. The best that can happen is you’ll find a new passion to pursue! The worst that can happen is you learn which direction you don’t want your life to go. Don’t shy away from the long shot.

This article started as an exploration of mental plateauing; what is is, and how do you get out of it? My solution is to shock your system with a sudden change of pace. Jolt yourself into a new frame of mind and see if you like it.

Trust me. You’ll never know if the water is cold if you don’t dip your toe in.