Deaths I have Endured

I had been lucky growing up without experiencing much death in my life. As a child I was not exposed to it much. But here are some deaths that I experienced recently. Some affect me a little, some a lot, but some not at all.

Any deaths that occurred during my childhood I didn’t relate too. There was family deaths but no one that I held close or knew of. The closest, weirdest death would have been of my classmate in high school. He wasn’t a best friend but we were a smaller high school, so we all knew each other and would say hi to each other if saw one another out in public. This teenage boy passed while working in a ditch as it caved in on him. I remember the sadness within our school. His close friends and how heartbroken they were. For me it was just a broad sadness that someone my age and someone I knew passed and how sad it must be for his family and friends. I never really understood it. Life moved on.

After high school, is when I had older relatives begin dying. I must first start with my favorite little old lady. Granny Bishop. I called her Granny B. Her name was Florence. She was my Mom's Dad's Mother, so my Great Grandma. I loved this little old woman. She was little and old the day I was born! As I grew taller and taller, she shrank more and more! I always could figure out her age as she was born the year the Titanic sank, 1912. We spent many days at Granny's house in her small hometown. I remember her house and yard and garage very vividly. I could draw a fairly accurate blueprint of it. The 2-bedroom place was almost elongated like a corner trailer rather than a typical square set up of a house. There was a cellar. A deck ran along it. The yard was mature and well treed. In the back by her garden was a garage. I remember we played Old Maid a lot. Just hung out with and without my mom at Granny’s. I remember playing catch in the front yard with my brother. I remember staying with Granny, sometimes because of hockey; sometimes just because. We would drive or walk downtown to get mail or go to the store or restaurant. She would always come to my hockey games where the arena was just a couple steps away from her house. She was the sweetest old lady. I remember being about 12 and afraid of sleeping over by myself because what if I woke up and she did not. She was old you know! She would have been about 83 when I was 12. But she ended up living in that house until she was over 90. Then with Alzheimer's she went to a home and passed at the age of, I think, 96. She always kept some newspaper clippings and such about my hockey 'career.' I did not get to attend my Granny B's funeral as my vehicle wouldn’t start on the blizzardy day her funeral was held.

A few years after Granny B passed her daughter Alice did. My Auntie Alice. I recall times when she was just leaving or coming from Granny B's as we got there as she was always checking in on her. After Granny B was in the home and after she passed, I remember visiting Auntie Alice a couple times. I have 1 or 2 crochet blankets she gave to me for my kids. I remember attending Auntie Alice's funeral with my mom and with my youngest child before she could walk.

Another member of my mom’s family that passed was my Uncle Terry, born Murray. He was this huge man. Was like 6'8" tall and 350lbs, I think. I know he had many issues in his life. Couple wives. Jail on and off. Alcohol use. I assume drug use. Occasionally he would visit or stay with us for short period. I remember when on the Dairy Farm he was there helping build our large tin roofed garage when my Dad fell off the roof. Then I remember when I was in my early teens and Mom was with my Stepdad that he visited and we played soccer. Sadly though, when I was in my early 30s, he hung himself.

My Mom's Mother's parents also passed in my teenage years. I only slightly remember Great Grandma and Grandpa. I do remember their house when I was little. We had some small and large family gatherings there. Grandma Pearson passed before my grandpa. Therefore, I don't really recall her demeaner. Kind of remember what she looked like but that may be just because of pictures. My Great Grandma's name, however, was Honor, which I honored her by giving my youngest child for a middle name. After my Great Grandma passed, I remember my Great Grandpa, Alec, moved into a house in a larger town from his farm. I remember hanging out in that house quite a bit. I remember watching NHL games in the basement. I remember a few large family gatherings. I remember a large family picture of us in the basement. I remember playing cards in that house. Even having Christmas there before - not sure if a real recollection but I think I got an expensive hockey stick one year there. Not sure who it was from or if even a real memory as is a faint one. I remember Grandpa's chair though. Where it sat. He was such a large man. He could hold a small newborn in the palm of his hand! He, passed, I think from cancer; the same reason my Great Grandma (his wife) passed.

Moving on to my Stepdads family there are a few deaths that I remember as well. I do not remember my stepdads grandma well at all as she passed when I was a teenager and I never saw her much. I remember being in her and her husbands house and that she was a smoker. Can not even recall her name. Her husband Ian, my Stepdads grandfather, though, I remember. He was a mechanic at one point in his life. He, too, smoked. He came to watch and 'help' my Stepdad and his dad many times while they were working on the farm. I remember he ended up going to a home. And he passed there. I did not see him much in his later years.

Also, another grandma, the mother to my Stepdad’s dad. She lived with Uncle Donny (my stepdad’s brother) a couple miles down the road from my Step-Grandparents when they lived on farms near a village. I remember spending some time watching tv there while my Parents visited. I remember having a couple meals there. Having cookies there. I never went to Grandma’s funeral as the weather and roads were bad and I had young children.

The year I graduated university, I remember the sadness of my old teammate and friend's dad. The one who started and coached our Midget girl’s hockey team. He was a cool guy. Good hockey player. Great coach. I appreciate all he did. In 2006 he passed; way too young. I remember when I heard the news. It stung. The funeral ended up being on a weekend when I was already committed to playing hockey in a tournament. I didn’t know if I should skip the tournament to go to a good childhood friend's Dad's funeral. A funeral for a man whom I greatly respected. But this man loved hockey. I knew he would not want me to miss a commitment I had already made to my team.

Probably the death that has made me cry the most up to this point (being my mid 30s) in my life, was my grandpa. He was the best man that has ever lived, in my opinion. My Dad's Dad. His name was John. I got to know him for about 27 years. He was awesome with kids. He got to meet my oldest child but passed in Provost hospital while I was pregnant with my 2nd. I spent many times crying about my grandpa being gone. I still do. Saddened that he didn’t get to meet all my kids. But, honestly, mainly crying happy tears because he was so awesome. I have great memories of him. Some tidbits I remember is driving around with him in his old blue truck. Working on the garden or his lawn. Him doing his woodwork. Helping him with firewood. Helping him with miscellaneous chores such as weeds around young coniferous trees he planted. I remember a bit of fishing with him. I remember being at a lake with him camping one time. I remember going goose hunting with him once. I remember his house perfectly. Where we would chill on the deck. Where he and my grandma sat in the living room. Where we would watch tv. Where we would eat lunch and supper. I remember playing crib with Grandpa especially after he moved from the Dairy Farm to the small city. I spent some weekends with Grandma and Grandpa there during my college years. I remember bowling with Grandma and Grandpa. They belonged to a bowling league. Great bowlers. Grandpa loved family gatherings. I remember crying before my sister’s wedding a few times as my grandpa would have loved to be there so much. He was seriously just the greatest man who ever lived. He was patient. He was strong, but gentle and kind. He was a gentleman. He was fun. And funny. He was also good looking; remember pictures of him being younger and he had that Elvis look. I loved that man so very much. And I miss him to this day. I am so grateful I got to know him so well. Grateful he loved spending time with his grandkids. Grateful I got to be his next-door neighbor for more than a decade. I do not believe in heaven. But if there was any chance of any type of heaven, I know damn sure my grandpa is there.

The pain of my grandpa’s passing was almost equal to the pain of My Mother-in-Law (MIL) passing. This pain hit me hard because my then husband, and more particularly my children suffered. I remember my ex-husband telling me early in the morning when he came home from the hospital that she passed. In the morning I sent the kids to school; I went to work. After school is when I, in my bed, broke the news to them. I will never forget the pain and tears of my then 8-year-old and almost 7-year-old. My MIL shared my first name and passed March 6th, 2017. She was sick and was diagnosed with cancer in the summer of 2016 which quickly took her life. My MIL loved the people she called family. My kids meant the world to her. She visited as much as she could; admittedly too much while my oldest was a baby. I remember my MIL helping us out a lot, especially financially. At one point she even just gave us her car and bought herself a new one, knowing we would never be able to pay her back. She came on mini vacations with us. Specifically, I remember the Calgary Zoo trips with her. One time while we lived in smaller town about 25 minutes away from her acreage, I fractured my foot and called her and she immediately came to watch my kids and my ex-husband’s aunt was able to drive me to the hospital. I remember her taking the kids periodically so my ex and I could watch a movie or do something. I remember family gatherings she had at her house as they made her so proud. Especially Christmases. She was very big into Christmas. Many decorations and toys. Many gifts. She loved watching the kids open their gifts. She made many homemade gifts. She was very artsy and crafty. She painted. She sewed and crocheted. She did many crafts until her body failed her. Kids received clothes from her, blankets, slippers, hooded embroidered towels. She even made a weighted blanket for my son in my hopes it would calm him down. I was also looking into options for car seat coats for my youngest and my MIL made this very nice warm poncho. I felt accepted into her home and her heart from the beginning. One thing I remember from before we had kids was a 25-year anniversary party her and my Father in Law had. During her 50th birthday party I remember being in a speech she had written that she was grateful for me and for giving her grandkids. I loved that woman for loving me so much. She thought I was better than I was. I still wish she was here. Yes, for my kids, primarily, as her death was and is hard on them, but also for me, even though I am not with her son anymore I would still of course be in her life. I did not have a bad relationship with my MIL like some do. Yes, some issues; I have some issues with most people. She loved me like I was her own.

Then on July 31, 2021, a horrible death – I lost my brother. He was 2 years younger than I. I worked my dietary shift on a Friday and got home at about 630pm when my sister-in-law called me in a panic. I could barely make out what she was saying as bad cell coverage on the farm where they lived. But something was wrong. I immediately called my ex and told him to come stay with the kids as I left, still in my scrubs, to go the 1.5hr drive to assist with whatever was happening to my brother. All I knew is the ambulance was there. My partner was at my house thankfully, so she came with me so wasn’t alone. On the way up to their home I found out EMS had my brother Jason for a long while trying everything to get him stable enough to move. Hoping Stars helicopter ambulance could get there (however they were not available to show). When I was only 10 minutes from my brother’s home, I called my sister-in-law and the ambulance had headed into the local town hospital as they believed they finally had him stable enough to transport. I turned around and went to the hospital. My sister-in-law showed up at the same time as me and her and I went into the hospital where my brother was still coding in a room with many healthcare professionals trying to save his life. I stood outside that door for what seemed forever watching them work on my brother. My sister-in-law went into the room, unwillingly, to say goodbye and it was too much for her, so she went outside the hospital to be with my partner and my sister who ended up coming shortly after I got there. I stayed there with my brother. Watching. Scared. Hoping. Worried. Knowing. It had been 2 hours of CPR, oxygen, epi. I was in nursing school, I knew; he was not going to be in good shape if he made it. I knew this. My brother would not be happy waking in the condition he was going to wake in if he made it. However, they finally had the Stars helicopter on the way and the paramedics, doctors, and nurses had him stable enough so they told me they were going to take him to the city – I could drive up and be there. That he might make it but there would most probably be deficits. I went outside and shared the news with my sister-in-law, sister, and partner. My mom was currently 4 hours away at a campsite so being the oldest I took charge. But then, the paramedic who told me he was ready to go had to come find me as only minutes later my brother took a final crash and they had to call it. Devastated. But most of all shock, the pain sank in as time went on. I have many memories with my brother. He left 3 boys who will carry his legacy. I was close to my brother growing up. Wrote and read a eulogy at his small family funeral. Got my 1st tattoo indicating his dates of life and a beautiful growing, colorful tree as my brother believed in nature most of all. I have single words I can think of that depicts many memories or a good story – plastic bat, goalies, bouncy ball, spinning, grandma cookies, jumping on him, unstoppable. The loss of my brother shook me the most and I am not over it and never will be. How could anyone ever get over the loss of losing someone you love. And I wish this was the end of my story.

This next tragedy hurt my heart for the love of other mothers and hurt because my oldest daughter’s heart was hurting with pain and fear. My daughter was 13 and lost a classmate. Small city classroom where 20 or so kids grew up together since kindergarten. A very active, bubbly, friendly child of the group died doing a physical activity he loved. My daughter and her classmates were scared, devastated, and at a loss. I was heartbroken for another mother, a woman who I knew, a woman with a beautiful soul, a woman who had such a close bond to her 2 children and lost one of them. A woman to this day who is in pain due to this loss. You don’t overcome the loss of a child - I see it in my own mother losing a son. Every parent’s worse nightmare. The community took a hit. It hurts the community, but also gave the community a stronger bond that is still present today with many areas of the child’s active life being awarded, remembered, and preserved.

Another short while later before the year was to end I lost a senior friend. I started a housekeeping gig that eventually led me to dietary then nursing but while housekeeping a senior apartment complex I met some nice ladies and became very close friends with one of them. We would soon chat and visit outside of work hours and the workplace. I taught her how to use a cell phone and have a Facebook profile. This friend was straight with me. She was the 1st person I personally knew that I told I was gay, besides my ex-husband. She was there when my divorce hit me hard. She was always there to talk. After meeting and knowing how she longed to move she finally found a place in her hometown. She was there for only 4 months, so I had not had the chance to go visit when I found out she died. What hurts is that I saw it on Facebook and knew that was why she never responded to a message I have sent. I don’t know the real cause of why she suddenly died. I did not know her family (her husband had passed a year before we met from Multiple Sclerosis and a tumor and she had no children) or friends. Just like that lost a great friend.

A year had passed with no more deaths that caused me great concern. But then one day I came home from work as my youngest needed me. Thankfully she did so it was I and not one of my children who found my ex-husband’s partner lying dead facedown on her bedroom floor. My ex and his partner, Elizabeth, lived in the basement of the house we rent. Elizabeth had been sick for a couple days – headache, earache. No big deal. But maybe they would go to the hospital that night to get her looked at. All day, my ex who was at work, never heard from Elizabeth so since I came home from work early, I checked on her. I called 911 but she was already gone. We were most likely only an hour or so late. Thankful my kids did not have to see her body lying there as it was traumatizing to me. I think I am okay now, but, in the days, and weeks after I could not unsee what I saw. That was a long night. And my kids of course were heartbroken as they lost their ‘step-mom.’ Although Elizabeth lived in our house I was not close to her or knew her all that well so most of the sadness I felt was through the trauma of a dead body I could not help and the hurt my kids endured.

The next death that occurred was my mom’s cousin. It was a sad death as well as she had been through much the last few years. Losing her mother and father (my Great Uncle and Great Aunt whom I knew fairly well too as we would have dinners with them at the restaurant or family gatherings. Especially when an anniversary or birthday came along). Losing her aunt and uncle just years previous as well. So, with the death of mom’s cousin, Lorna, it feels like that whole side of my family is gone. I don’t really know or relate to many on that side of the family now. Only ones left are the ones who moved far away so wouldn’t even recognize them or kids who are younger than I, so I never ended up knowing. Lorna passed within a week after getting to meet her youngest grandbaby. She lived over a year after receiving a lung transplant but eventually succumbed to cancer. Lorna was a very nice lady and my mom’s closest cousin. I was the flower girl at her wedding!

Then only a week or 2 later, horrible news hit again. My other brother died. He was driving home from the city to my mom’s farmhouse where he was staying, and I assume overdosed and his truck landed in the ditch of a remote gravel road Christmas Eve (so there was no traffic to find him for a couple days) and he froze to death. We found out 3 days later that he was dead. It was normal to not be able to get ahold of him. But at Christmas time? We were a bit confused why he wasn’t here or contacting us – but that be Cody. He was an addict and had lived on the streets for most of his early 30s before finally coming clean and living with my sister then eventually my mom where he worked in the oilfield with my stepdad. He was pretty much clean for 2 years, and reconnected with his son, but then……...addiction. Addiction killed him. I am grateful I got to know Cody more in the last 2 years of his life as we were the farthest apart in age (5 years) so I did not get along with or know him as well as my late brother Jason or my sister. But he and my kids and he and my nephews were able to get to know him, which I am grateful for. I got to know him as the man he had become and not the addict he was or the kid he used to be. Not recovered from the sudden loss of one brother then suddenly losing another – brings a grief that is hard for many to understand. We are in our 30s, not our 80s, 70s, or even 60s! I wouldn’t understand it unless I went through it. And it brings a grief I fear when losing not only one child but two, and this fear is lived when I see the grief my mother must endure. I hope to get another tattoo for Cody – Super Mario Brothers. The tattoo I want came to me in a dream. It will be 3 or 4 small Mario related tattoos with a heart at the beginning or end of it with dates. Cody and I didn’t hang out much when I was younger as was a wider age gap but whenever playing video games, particularly Mario, I got and still get so scared jumping over holes and fire as the death feeling is real and my tummy turns, so Cody was always the video gamer kid and adult who could defeat any level!

I know I will have some deaths at work which may sting a little. I am now a nurse and hope to be able to nurse for many years, depending on my own health, but during my practicum I got to know a few long-term clients. This one patient whom I only interacted with one evening while he was still somewhat cognitive a panic attack, so we had to calm him down. He did not speak much English, so this made this task more difficult. The patient’s daughter was with him all day and after she left, he had his attack. We of course did an ECG and all vitals to ensure it was not a cardiac episode, but we confirmed it was anxiety. I ended up staying with the patient for a bit afterwards, so he didn’t have another episode and through our broken language barrier was able to get him his specific calming music playing from his phone to his headphones. As the days progressed this patient kept declining. He was put on palliative care. One day he needed a HDC/butterfly insitu (a less invasive IV for the purpose of fluid or meds) and I had not yet performed this outside of a lab. So, I inserted the HDC needle and gave him pain meds to help ease his condition. Within the hour this patient passed. I would always joke I will kill someone one day, as nursing is scary, and mistakes happen. So, when I was told he passed away, I said he probably died because I gave him hydromorphone. The other nurses giggled a bit and said yep. As hydromorphone represses the respiratory system. The patient was on palliative and the plan was to let him die painlessly, but I thought it was a bit sad that the meds I pushed aided him to his death. But I believe in death more than pain, so it was not at all a bad thing.

I had no real feelings when an older woman connected to my life passed, but probably because she was not a nice person. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but this woman was a bitch and because of her we ended up not getting to see or talk to my grandpa much. I used to hang out with my grandpa a lot when I was a teenager. But this woman basically hated us all. However, I did feel sorry for my grandpa when I learned that his wife (partner of almost 20 years) had passed. I think at this point my grandpa was a bit relieved as his wife was declining in her health so it took a lot out of him. But this lady was 86 so it was her time. It is still sad when older people pass but is expected and a natural part of life.

I hope that is all for deaths in my near future except for older people naturaling passing. The loss of my grandpa really hurt back in 2009 when pregnant with my son, but it was my 1st big loss, and he was healthy up until a year before and then it kept going downhill for him. So, it can still be heartbreaking when seniors pass, but human for it to still hurt. And no man could ever measure up to my grandpa – maybe a reason I am gay!

Losing my 2 brothers has changed me. Between that and other losses (friendships, my health, etc) depression is real. I am thankful for the ones still here with me. But really do not understand life and the point. Just that I am needed – especially by my kids, mother, and sister. I can’t imagine my poor kids having the pain my nephews had and have to endure or myself having to endure the loss of a partner or child. I can’t attend a funeral or hear certain information about cardiac arrests and overdoses without thinking of my brother’s being gone. I am thankful for knowing those that passed, but in the case of my brothers, sad knowing they are gone. One thing that sets me off is thinking about 1, 5, 10, 20 years down the road and taking a sibling picture of us 4; but there will only be 2 of us in it.