Dear HR Managers: Please Stop Asking Why I Left My Last Position.

I have been fired from every single corporate job I’ve ever had. Every single one. At first glance, this admission may seem like the kind of lack-of-self-awareness hodge podge that someone looking for attention might utter without understanding how embarrassing that is to admit. Believe me, I’m fully aware of how this may appear to others. But knowing my side of the story and understanding that there was a greater plan in all of it, I’m finally okay with sharing it.

Starting with my first corporate job at what was at the time the largest financial institution in the world, the reason for my being “laid off” (terminated) was such a study in some of the tactics that corporate companies employ when they want to get rid of a person. There was an incident with a newly minted AVP (Associate Vice President) who referred to me as an animal in front of the entire staff in a meeting while I was not in the room. The back story to this was she was a white woman who had been with this division of the company for many years and had more than put in her time but had been passed up for promotion after promotion for years. There were rumors that she was threatening to leave the company right before she got promoted. So she gets promoted to an AVP from a manager which came with a nice bump in salary and the obvious title and responsibilities changes. One day, there was a team meeting called and I was finishing up a call with one of my fund managers who wanted to process a cash distribution that day. Because of AML regulations, we were required to collect certain information before distributions could be made, which I was doing with the fund manager. Apparently while everyone was in the room and I was on the phone, someone asked where I was and one of my coworkers answered that I was on the phone; at which point the newly minted AVP who must have been really feeling herself in that moment said in front of the team of about 60 people that “Someone needs to put a leash on that one,” referring to me. My team was so upset about what was said that after I walked in, a number of people said they needed to talk to me. When the meeting was finished, a swarm of people came up to me to repeat what she said and how upset they were by it for me. It clearly was in their eyes disrespectful not only for her to refer to me as a dog or animal but to do it so brazenly in front of the entire team. It was clear she was attempting to make it a joke, but it was not even close to being funny. My immediate reaction was rage and anger but I kept myself in check. I waited a few hours and then sent her an email asking to speak to her. She agreed and we met in a private room in the office. I recounted to her what was said to me and how upset I was. She claimed that she didn’t remember what she said and that she doesn’t think that’s what she said. I then very calmly told her that I had a number of witnesses that were willing to go to HR to testify that she in fact said exactly those words. She then reiterated that she didn’t remember saying them and that she would “look into it.” Of course, she and I both knew that was complete and total bullshit and she wasn’t looking into anything. So I took myself to HR, met with my generalist and recounted exactly what had happened. She told me they would look into it immediately, and to their credit they did. An investigation was opened immediately, the entire team was interviewed and asked to recount what they saw and heard. Of course the managers said they didn’t see or hear anything but all of the associates had the exact same story, no more no less. HR then concluded their investigation and a meeting was called where she apologized to me in front of HR and said she never meant to disrespect me or refer to me as an animal and that she was “truly sorry.” I got the white woman tears and red faced water works and everything. I accepted the apology and vowed the matter was closed and we’d move on professionally. Little did I know that the target was put on my back from that moment to get me out of there. I was labelled as a trouble maker and someone to watch out for by the AVP’s boss, a South Asian man who did not like me from the day he met me. He hated how I dressed and made constant passive aggressive remarks about me. It was noticed by a number of my coworkers but because of how high up he was, we knew nothing would or could be done about it because he wasn't going anywhere. Or so we thought at the time. But from that day on, I was a target. They switched me to another manager and it became clear from the get go that I was being watched and surveyed. I’m not sure how I went from an associate who was being recognized for their work with awards from the leadership to someone who was failing to meet the standard, but in no time I was put on a PIP (performance improvement plan). From that point on, they made quick work of me. I remember fighting my PIP because none of the things they were saying I was behind in made any sense. But I played their game. I jumped through every single hoop they threw at me and hit my goals and targets every week. Got rave reviews from everyone that my work was being done to satisfaction. I stayed in my lane and did everything they asked. I went on vacation for two weeks, and on my first day back, they fired me. I honestly don’t even remember what they told me because I knew it was all garbage and bullshit. I didn’t even want to hear it. I put up no fuss, got my shit and bounced. The funniest part about that day was the head VP. He was this white man who had taken a liking to me and had kept telling me that he wasn’t going to fire me because he knew how hard I worked and that I was an asset to the team. Then he sat in the meeting on the day they fired me and told me “It just wasn’t working out, Whitney.” I learned that day how easy it is for white men to lie and get away with it in the corporate world. I learned how easy it is for white women to do racist, fucked up shit and get away with it. And how expendable I was to them all.

My second corporate job was a really humbling experience in getting fired. I was working at another Fortune 500 company in their Supply Chain department. I had grinded and worked my ass off to get to a management position. I was asked to help build an entire department and team from the ground up. There were three women initially hired into this brand new department. Myself, my senior manger who was a Black woman as well, and our Director who was a white woman. I can honestly say the early days of that position were some of the best in my life. I had the absolute trust of my senior manager and my Director in terms of my depth of knowledge and ideas on what needed to be done. I definitely failed to meet some of their expectations in terms of technical Supply Chain and Project Management skills, but my hope was that between the two of them they would have taught me. I have always been an avid and quick learner provided I have someone who can teach well. Unfortunately, I received zero support from them but had help from fellow colleagues who saw my predicament. About a year into the new project, the leadership at this company fired my Director. I saw very quickly how trifling and savage the corporate world is the higher up you go. I saw a white male VP hold a white female Director to impossible standards and then get mad at her when she didn’t meet them, then blamed her for being incompetent and then fire her and then attempt to fuck her over in her new job at another company. Once he took her out, it appeared all her decisions had become questionable. Including my hiring. He hadn’t been sold on me to begin with and only went along because of my breadth of knowledge of the program and my relationship with both the vendors and carriers. There was no one in the company apart from the buyer who knew as much about the program as I did and it made me invaluable to the program for the time being. But if he had a opportunity to get rid of me, he was going to. Then the Universe used my poor judgement to hand him his golden ticket without him having to do anything to earn it. It was like manna from Heaven the day he knew he could fire me because of my own poor decision making. When he fired my Director, he replaced her with a South Asian man who from day one (you guessed it) didn’t like me. He didn’t like the fact that I was not an engineer and had not gotten my degree or my ring (engineers in Canada get a silver ring that they were on their pinky finger when they graduate. It’s a whole thing) and clearly was for this man and for my VP. They both hated the fact that I was in that position without this being my degree program of study. They were both extremely insecure men for many reasons that used academic snobbery as their ways to feel better about themselves. Anyone who was in Supply Chain but was not an engineer was looked upon with scorn, disdain and suspicion and was actively either at best oppressed into certain positions or at worst terminated. This VP had a driving force to build a “world class Supply Chain division” that was recognized on the cover of Supply Chain magazines and the like. He lived for that shit and still does. So me and my non-engineer Black ass were definitely not apart of that vision for his team. But due to the consequences of my actions, I’d give him his wish on a silver platter. My new Director despised me and made it known to the entire team. He then started systematically turning the senior leaders against me. He ensured my senior manager gave me a horrible year end review that was based on complete falsehoods and included no increase to my salary because of the bad grading. Then to add insult to injury, I was put on (you guessed it) a PIP because apparently I had gone from an associate who had won two Executive Awards from our Senior Leadership Team (these were not easy to get by the way) and countless other associate recognition awards to being not up to par and barely meeting the standards. Notice the pattern, anyone? But here was the icing on the cake to this clusterfuck of a situation. During this time, I started encountering some financial problems. I had a corporate card that was for business use only that I started using to buy food and gas. I racked up over $5,000.00 in debt and of course, couldn’t pay it. There was no amount of prayer or buying lottery tickets that was going to save me. And when the missed payment notices started going to my Director? I knew it was over for me. The rest is pretty much what you would imagine. There was an investigation opened, I had to account for everything that was a personal expense, etc. My Director at the time had a shit-eating grin on his face during the meeting. I don’t even think he knew he was smiling throughout the entire time as he was calculating how quickly they could fire me, with cause and no severance. All because they had grounds to terminate me. See before, they actually didn’t have a leg to stand on to fire me. Everything they were doing was intimidation, probably hoping they’d make my life so miserable I’d just quit. But the minute I gave them cause? It was like Christmas in June. I remember having lunch with a former colleague of mine and telling him everything what I knew was coming. He was so empathetic as was everyone I spoke to who I decided to share with what had happened and what was coming, and he said the only thing he was mad at was that I had given them (my former VP and Director) a reason to fire me instead of leaving on my own terms. I owned my mistake and told him I was disappointed in myself as well for the same reasons. What was also so messed up about the whole situation was that one of my former managers from the first position I had had at that company used to tell me all the time about all the people and executives in the company who used their company cards incorrectly…all the time. She managed the program through AMEX and would get notifications of charges not related to work. These white men and women took family vacations and charged excursions to their cards, bought Christmas and holiday gifts, etc. I remember her even telling me about someone purchasing La Senza and Best Buy gift cards, and none of these individuals got fired. They got slaps on the wrists and warnings or write ups. They didn’t get fired. In no way am I excusing what I did or saying I shouldn’t have been fired. What I’m saying is, if you’re going to fire me, then fire everyone in that company who is doing the same thing I did. Fair is fair, no?

My third corporate company was the one right after the last one. I should have seen the signs from the jump but unfortunately I was too blinded by the shiny toy they were. I got this job the day after being fired from the last one and was just happy to be gainfully employed. They weren’t as big as my last company and weren’t a Fortune 500, but they were worth a few billion dollars and were known around the world. They lied to me when they brought me in and told me they wanted me to be their interim Senior Manager; even went so far as to communicate that to certain members of the executive leadership teams of various departments so when I met them, we all thought we were on the same page. Only for that to be walked back several months after I was in the position already. They then posted the Senior Manager role and when I inquired about it, I was told that they were looking for someone with more “technical” skills and that I wasn’t ready in the eyes of the VP. Several days later after all of this mess, I was asked by HR to provide feedback on my last 6 months at this company. Unfortunately I was too honest in my answer. While I told them that I loved working there and enjoyed the work I did and my team and boss, I expressed disappointment in being told I was being given a position that I was not and that had I known that what they interviewed me for is not what they were giving me, I would have taken the other offer I had been given as it was more in alignment with what I wanted in title and job responsibilities. Now, looking back on this now, I fully realize the error in my judgement. But again, hindsight and all that, right? So the Director of HR then flips it on me and says “You need to think about what your part in all of this is…” Huh? How did I make you guys offer me something that you then didn’t give me? Where exactly is my part in that? But I digress. He then asks me where I stand, I said I don’t know, need to think,yada yada yada. I’m sure you can figure out the rest. It gets back to my VP and Director that I was “talking shit” about them (not sure how that was talking shit but okay) and I get called into an office one day and “laid off” (fired).

My fourth and final corporate job was the kicker. I was brought on board a company as a Director to revamp and remake an entire team. I was told by the President, a white woman, that this was a fairly young company, they had all kinds of grand plans and ideas and they were looking for fresh, new leadership with their client services team because apparently the work production had been abysmal and the previous team leaders hadn’t done a good job of fixing the issues. She had her two VPs in the interview with me (the two previous leaders of my team), a South Asian man and an Eastern European white woman and they all shook and agreed on everything she was telling me. The day I interviewed, they offered me the job on the spot. Wouldn’t let me walk out of the building without signing me and I negotiated my salary. Mind you, I had already accepted a management position at a Fortune 500 company who wanted me to come in and take over for the Senior Manager as she was leaving soon. But this was a Director position. So again, hindsight being 20/20, I rejected the management position and accepted the Director position at this very small company. I was being paid less than what a Director should be, but I didn’t care. It was the opportunity and I was still okay in salary. The first 30 days seemed okay…and then things went decidedly left. I originally was reporting into the South Asian VP but was then taken from under him and started reporting directly into the President. What I didn’t know at the time was this was her petty, flighty way of trying to get back at him for whatever current misdeed he had committed at the time. I was a pawn that she was using against these other two VP’s. This then set up an extremely toxic work environment. The two VP’s ganged up on me and made me the enemy since they couldn't be angry with her. They started creating targeted attacks on my team and everything they did. I once sat in a meeting (I kid you not) and listened to the female VP get big mad because she said my team was “too nice.” She felt that being too nice was unprofessional and it was irritating her that I had been working with my team on etiquette and proper communication to and with executives in the company. She attacked me for teaching my team to be professional towards her and said she doesn’t need any fluff. She just wants them to work. There was nothing my team could do right from the day I started reporting into the company President. I had people on my team daily having mental meltdowns because of how horrible the environment was that was created. The new boss would have meetings with me and leave the door open and would loudly talk about “gasing people.” If you don’t understand the white supremacy and patriarchy there is in a white woman saying she was going to “gas” people (her euphemism for firing) then you are truly lost in this whole conversation. Shortly thereafter, after months of giving things to me and then taking them away at the whims and behests of her VP’s, she finally fired me 30 days before my 6 month probation period, which ensured she not only didn’t have to pay me a severance but that she could fire me for no cause with no fear of repercussion from me legally. I walked away with nothing after 5 months of giving my everything to that job and putting up with mental and emotional distress unlike anything I’ve ever faced in a job and that’s saying a lot for me, clearly. But this is what white people get to do. Everyday.

I’m not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination. I have made mistakes in my career that have cost me my job and rightfully so. There are consequences to every action and I’ve definitely had to pay mine in full. But here’s what I know for sure. Two things can be true at the same time. While from a corporate standpoint, I can appreciate how I was not a “good fit” any longer at any of these companies, I know that racism, sexism, patriarchy and white supremacy have followed me my whole corporate career. Where other people can get a slap on the wrist for making a poor decision or mistake, I’ve been fired every time. The game is rigged. Every person of colour knows this. But it’s even more so against Black women. We can’t make mistakes and get second chances the way others can. When I apply to jobs, I have to come up with creative ways without outright lying about why I left my previous position. But I no longer see the value in that. As a Director in my last position, I wish more people had been honest about why they left their last company or why they were looking while still employed. But many of us know we cannot be truthful in interviews. We can’t really tell a company about the times we’ve messed up or the lessons we’ve learned because HR departments have one job and one job only-to protect the company at all costs. That includes even from itself. They will get rid of executives if they need to, to protect a company. They will also KEEP executives they should have gotten rid of a long time ago, to protect the company. I’ve worked at companies where I’ve known of huge scandals some executives have been involved in that were covered up to protect the image of the company. Sometimes the sins of the few get covered up to protect the whole; just seems mighty selective about who and when that is.

So my advice to hiring managers? Stop asking this question. You know that 85% of people are lying to you because we can’t really tell you why we left. We’d be considered a red flag and in a world where a lot of us already face discrimination for simply breathing, we’re not looking to face any more. We are just trying to collect this cheque so we can live and take care of ourselves and our families. The day when you stop protecting companies and their bad behavior at all costs and you start actually giving a shit about people and their real stories, triumphs and learnings then maybe people can be more open with you about why they left. Until then, especially people of colour, we’re going to continue lying to you. Get used to it.