Confessions of the Mad

If you missed my last installment and want to catch up, you can do so by clicking here.

30 August 2021

My husband was very hurt again today. I feel so bad for him and want to sympathize.

I went to visit with my son today and it went better than expected. We went out for bobas. He agreed to stopping by the house to visit his sister and our dog.

My husband was caught off guard. He has been hurt so many times by our son that he has a hard time forgiving. I get it, but I just wish he could see that by prolonging this, the relationship will only worsen.

We had a falling out with our son in May. He accused us of emotional abuse after an argument about getting the Covid vaccine. We obviously wanted or son to get it and he refused. We started to take away privileges and the argument escalated because my son didn't like the fact that his phone was taken away.

As a result, our son started having a bad anxiety attack and wanted to go the the ER for mental health reasons. We haven't really had a real conversation, until today. But my son and my husband are both keeping their distance from each other. I am heartbroken, but I cannot force it. I just hope the both of them will one day see what they are missing.

Today was a really long day even though I haven't been awake very long. I woke up at four PM because of our cleaning business and then me staying up for a few hours after cleaning. Tomorrow I have allergy shots to get at eleven AM, so my husband let me take the night off. I need to get some rest now.

Until tomorrow my friends

31 August 2021

Today was crazy.

At four PM today I had a family therapy session again with my son. He told me didn't want our last name anymore and only wanted his birthfather's last name. Keep in mind he's only known his birthfather a year and he would blame me for that. Truth is that his birthfather was a drug addict and couldn't stop doing them to see his son.

He also said that he didn't want to see me all next month for his birthday month. He just goes for the heart every time. I literally don't know how much more emotional abuse I can take before I'm like come see me when you're ready. I'm too hurt to be around him and told him I would need time now to heal.

I don't know what the switch was from yesterday to today. He doesn't really have much to say except that he needs time. I have given him nothing but time these last four months. How much longer will he punish me for?

As for my daughter, she was in good spirits. We had fun helping her study for a test and she is extremely smart. I've always known it, but she was showing off those math skills like they were nothing.

I'm a bit too choked up right now after writing about my son. I really miss him.

Until tomorrow my friends.

1 September 2021

I wrote a text to my son today. I think it was heartfelt and understanding, but I was direct with him as well. I asked him why he didn't want to see me for an entire month. I apologized for turning off his phone last night because I wanted him under his birthfather's iCloud. My thought process was that it would be better if his birthfather had control of his location and things of that nature. He went off on me for it.

I let him know that his words hurt me yesterday. I then closed it with how much I loved him and that I would be here for him whenever he wants a relationship with me.

We met with new clients today to start cleaning a motorcycle sales floor. We will have some fifteen accounts next week after meeting with some other clients. In about six months we will need to hire someone.

2 September 2021

Today I had an appointment with my therapist. She talked to me about what happened with my son and the family therapist. I told her that the family therapist tried to stop the conversation between me and my son after my son told me that he didn't want our last name. I told my son I was hurting. The family therapist told us that we shouldn't bring up the past. I told him this is happening now; it is not the past.

I'm glad I finally stood up to him. I feel like he may be hindering my relationship with my son at times.

My therapist told me to ask him what to say instead if he doesn't want me to say certain things. She also told me that I need that time to heal myself. Which is very true. I cannot let my son continue to treat me that way. I need healthier boundaries with him.

She also asked me to write a poem about the kind of mother I am. I wrote it, but it isn't very positive. I don't think of myself as a good mom by any means. I wish that statement wasn't true. I want to be a better mom every day. I am gaining those tools, but I most certainly don't have them all yet. They should make you go to school to learn how to be a parent. A lot more idiots like me wouldn't breed.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my kids for the world, but they deserve so much better than me.

I talked with my son's paternal grandmother today about my son and she told me some very personal, but also very scary things my son has been putting himself through. He's so young and putting himself in danger. I will be thinking about him and use whatever form of prayer I may have.

Tomorrow I go to my ketamine session at 9:30 AM. I am very excited, but I don't have great news for them. I think I have a different PA this time and maybe then I won't feel obligated to tell them about what's going on. I'd rather not speak about it. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Until then my friends.

3 September 2021

This morning at 9:30 AM I had an appointment with Klarisana. It was magical. I had the same PA, and she was of course wonderful with the news as always. I don't know why i didn't want to tell them.

The appointment re-centered me when I needed it most. I took a long nap afterwards. I woke up in a drool of a mess.

I think my therapist and this session has helped me come to the conclusion that with my son, there may be no answers to the questions I have. That's okay. My heart is still hurting, but that's okay too.

We worked hard tonight, and my husband is super tired because he didn't get the amazing power nap that I did. I am a little bit tired, but I thought I'd hang out with y'all for a moment.

We have a lot to clean this weekend and a new one to clean on top of that. We are now cleaning a BMW motorcycle showroom. It looks like it will be easy enough.

4 September 2021

Today was a really laid back and chill day. I finally felt better about my situation with my son. I said what I needed to, and I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me. I put the ball in his court to contact me when he's ready and that's all I can really do.

I don't have much to report today so until tomorrow friends.

5 September 2021

I've been really productive today in my writing. Two different poems of mine were mentioned as hand-picked by two different publications. I also wrote a poem and started three. It seems like I've been writing all day, and for the majority of it I have.

I've felt like a bad mom though because I have not been paying very much attention to my daughter. The day is not over though. I have plenty of time to show her the love she deserves.

Tomorrow I clean my sister's apartment for money because she is moving out. I think it won't be too bad. She is pretty tidy, unlike me. I know what you're thinking. Why does someone who cleans for a living not keep their own home tidy? And to you I say, I do that all day and don't want to in my own home.

We clean four offices tonight and I still have laundry to do so I can work. My mind is elsewhere today. It has just been so creative that I didn't want to stop the flow. I need to stop before my family becomes concerned, lol.

I am feeling so good today. I have a lot of pent-up energy from writing so I might need some exercise now, or not.

My husband obviously wanted to connect with me today with a conversation. I am so distracted by life that I'm having a hard time focusing. Maybe because I've been on the computer all day long. He deserves my full attention. And so does my daughter. Tomorrow I will set healthy limits on my writing and social media usage. It can be harmful if I keep this up, I might've already hurt my family's feelings today.

The next installment starts tomorrow. Until then my friends.