Completely on the Fly (November)

Ooh, it's been a few months since I did one of these pieces, and it shows.

My mental health is on the floor at the moment, and then I thought, I need to write something on Vocal. I am so ADHD I forgot that I HAD been doing these 'on the fly' pieces - without thought, censorship, or embarrassment. So here I am again!

Just WRITE, get it all out. That's what I tell my brain.

Serious live-in, engaged relationship was ended back around July. Was very hard as thought this was 'the one.' Have now realised several things:

I can't do relationships in any normal sense.

I can't do a relationship full time. I need my space to 'process' and potter around, and make sense of things, and just be 'me.'

I can't live with anyone.

I like my own space.

I need my financial independence.

But.

I get fucking lonely.

I have lots of love to give, and I do need it. But in small doses, or kind of available in the background.

The men I try to live with become real 'stick in the muds' and I become an off the rails teenager-type, scowling and rolling my eyes, and needing to get the fuck out the house.

I'm possibly full of shit.

I don't mean to be. I'm realising I am probably an avoidant attachment style. Fearful avoidant, not dismissive avoidant. I hope. And hard to love, live with, or tolerate. I'm intense, affectionate. Need space. But also deep down terrified of being rejected, abandoned. I know where it all comes from. I can't seem to change it though...

Every relationship I experience seems to either be 'too much' or 'not enough.' What's that all about?

I have signed up for therapy again. To get this stuff looked at properly, and try and figure out how to strike the balance I need in my life, and not carry on hurting people. I don't mean to. I want everyone to be happy. Friends included.

I don't lie, I don't cheat. But honesty is 'refreshing' until it's something you REALLY don't want to hear.

Am also getting my hormones looked at. I get very low / have an existential crisis around the middle of the month. Never realised until I looked back through journal 'thought dump' entries.

Generally I love life. Love my creativity, collaborations, friendships, adventures and ability to take opportunities. I have a lot of health challenges to contend with. Life is too short to waste time or be unhappy.

I don't want to feel 'stuck.' But I DO need to be able to relax with someone, slow down with a best friend.

I just want to feel loved though. In a consistent way. I need to be held, have my hair stroked. Feel safe, like a child. So weird. But the heart needs what it needs.

Got very angry tonight. At family, abuse I suffered. At other people's ability to 'bury their head' in the sand. I wanted to self harm but didn't. My (strong male) friend held up punch pads for me to hit and scream at as hard as I can. He also made me laugh. Really needed that. Felt good. The anger was able to 'travel' outside of me and into the air. It felt good to scream out awful things I'll probably never say again. I did feel better afterwards, 'cleansed' as it were.

Feel like I'm turning a corner. Can see light finally. Much love all, especially to anyone else who feels like they are going mad at the moment.

Here's to baby steps forward, and to feeling loved, however that looks for you xxx