Archive of the Pearl String: “My Unsent Messages”

Back when I finished high school, I made the decision to take a gap year-of-sorts. I was going to wait until I turned 21 before proceeding with my list of goals and dreams, and ultimately leave the nest. Then in 2008, just months before the "Big Two-One", a life-changing accident caused me to think long and hard about what to do.

The time was fast approaching for me to begin achieving those goals and realising those dreams, but someone near and dear to me had just suffered a horrific injury, and would presumably be out of commission for a long time. There was no way I could leave them in that condition, so I did something that ultimately changed the course of my own life: I changed my mind.

I decided to put my goals and dreams on hold in order to be there for them during such a difficult time, and resolved to pick up where I'd left off once they were stable enough without me. Years passed, and we moved interstate prior to the required corrective surgery, which led to yet more recovery time. It led to one life-changing event after another, forcing me to stay even longer still. It didn't matter: I made my decision knowing full well that it was the right thing to do.

Unfortunately for me, as my life ground to a halt, my goals left to gather dust, my dreams suppressed and ultimately lost, I picked up on certain things: for all the self-sacrifice I had made to support my loved one, they had gradually begun to take me for granted, and became reliant on my simply being there, oftentimes coming across as being unappreciative of the fateful decision I'd made all those years ago.

The worst part? My brother, who hadn't been so haphazard in relinquishing his future, was not only achieving similar goals to mine, but in some cases accomplishing them many times over. He has also received a lot of assistance in his goals from the one I gave up my bachelorhood to support, while I was left with nothing of comparability. The real kicker? I was too naïve to realise this. Until now.

After years of being cast aside by my loved one in favour of my brother, the veil has been lifted, the illusion shattered. Despite claims of both sons being treated equally, there really is nothing "equal" about it. My brother has achieved so much these past twelve years, and has become an amazingly successful adult who is truly living his life on his terms, and he deserves it. He put in the effort, with support from his friends and family, and inspires many, including myself.

I, on the other hand, have accomplished none of my goals, nor my dreams. My bachelor pad in the suburbs of the capital of the ironically-named state of Victoria, my shelf of journals filled to the brim with detailed recaps of each and every one of my dives, my anticipation of seeing the next volume of my series of novels sell out in the initial preorders, mounting my Bachelor of Game Design on the wall of my aforementioned bachelor pad, deciding where to go on my next mini- holiday after months working on my newest short film project...none of it actually happened. And now that I'm fully aware of it...well...it hurts.

What makes it excruciating is that, for all the assistance my brother received from said loved one, I was not so lucky. For every handout my brother received, I was lent a small amount to tide me over until my next payday, when it was expected to be paid back in full. For every time my brother received help moving into his newest home, I was denied the privilege with a raised eyebrow, frown, or something inbetween. For all that my brother was aided in his goals and dreams, my attempts at success were cast aside.

At this point, it would seem that I will never succeed at any of my goals and dreams, and that I made my decision for nothing. I somehow made the wrong decision for what I thought were the right reasons, as opposed to making self-fulfilling one for what I swore to myself were the wrong reasons. Perhaps my folly was in my naïveté. Had I known I would not only be taken for granted, but ridiculed and snapped at for so much as opening my mouth to speak, perhaps I would have rethought my decision to stay. Perhaps if I'd been more assertive during those twelve years, I would have received the same degree of support as my dear brother.

I don't know what I said or did that could have resulted in my constant string of failures, but I'm sure that at some point, I said or did something so unbelievably traumatic to my loved one that they cast me aside, even going so far as to revoke my Ph.D of "Little Professor". I'm sure I must have done something bad enough to completely nullify the intent of my decision to stay, something that not even sacrificing my own future plans could fully balance out. In any case, I clearly wronged my loved one somewhere along the line, perhaps more than once, and for that I have no excuse.

They say that some are born for success, so maybe that's simply the case. The simplest explanation is usu‐ ally correct, and there are fewer simple explanations than that, if any. Whatever the reason, nothing I've ever done has led me to complete my goals and fulfill my dreams. I made my choice, and now I must endure the consequences of those actions. But if I have it wrong, and none of it was my fault, then I have one thing to ask:

"Why, Dad? Why?"