Approval

Who's approval do you seek the most?

My mother's.

I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm a mom and I just want to be close with her like we used to be.

I always thought she was the most beautiful person I had ever met. I admired her and I wanted to be just like her when I grew up.

Her approval matters to me because I just wanted to be like her.

I wrote this line down after an uncomfortable visit with her at my house. She was slightly upset at blankets being strewn on the floor because my kids were playing. "They could trip." Her anxiety came out in that statement. But instead of helping she just pointed out the flaws. I could see where she's coming from but at the same time I parent differently than her.

So I started writing.

She would rather point out my flaws than accept her own.

I used to go to her house every Saturday for coffee after my oldest son was born. I now haven't had coffee with her in her home for three years. Every time she comes to see the kids, I offer to make her coffee. She declines everytime. Maybe it's because I put cinnamon in my coffee.

I just had my third child. After having a traumatic birth experience in the hospital (which was my first surgery without her present) I just wanted a hug. That's all I wanted. Our relationship has been on rocky terms for years. I'm trying right now because I want her in my life and I don't think I'll ever completely get rid of the "I need my mom" feeling. We try. We visit. We still talk. I just won't get that hug ever and it breaks me into pieces.

Even my son has picked up on it. When I was pregnant, he asked her to hug my baby bump because that was his favourite thing ever. She politely declined. A 5 year old can see how weird that was. He loves his Nana and me.

She tries to relate to me. She recommended me to go to a local writing event that our museum was hosting. That was the most connected I have felt to her in a long time.

I know I'm a damn good mother. I'm a great fucking person. I'm damaged beyond belief but I still choose to see the good in people, even the ones that choose to actively hurt me.

We are supposed to go on a family trip with my extended family and I don't know how I feel about it because of the family drama. Do I put myself in a position to be hurt, uncomfortable and more than likely, let down? Or do I start cutting off ties, and letting my kids miss her the way I do. Because the woman that she is now, that's not my mom anymore. She's unrecognizable from the woman that raised me. All of us kids are messed up. Not one of us is perfect. I just feel like I'm the only one that can see through the bullshit because I'm the oldest.

I still love her. More than words can describe. But the amount of pain I feel knowing I can't hear her say, "I love you Chloe." or get that damn hug is beyond painful.