Along came …

From a very early age, she joined me. Like my perfect shadow. Only I could see her. Only I could hear her. Only I could feel her. Something of my very own. I loved that. My little secret friend. We had our own secret language and we even shared the same voice. So she must be good. She must be safe, right? When did I notice her. I know not. She has always been a faithful companion from my very early years. I mean, from learning to toe my shoes, almost every test or group situation. Certainly to going off to high school, Whoa, did we have each other’s back in high school. She spoke or rather commanded my thoughts, ideas and achievements more than I did. I didn’t mind it though. She was my longest, most consistent buddy. So l gave her the reigns. Where she goes, I go. When I traveled off to college, she packed up her self and came with.

Yet, something changed while I discovered who I was and wanted to be. Something shifted as the stress of my home life stayed home, and left me. My glittery nerves wanted to dance with ease, not bubble with fear. I wanted to share, me with Me. I wanted me first. I wanted to feel the warmth of happiness from inside out. So, I sought after me and me alone. I finally allowed me to feel Me, I mean the real me, for the first time. I wanted something more than “in my head” living. I wanted something more than a secret language that onlyI knew. I wanted to speak, up. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to live up, to Me. My potential. Happily.

No more chaos, created a silence that allowed me to listen, not just hear, doubt.

I stopped holding onto her so tightly and while learning to hold onto me. Up until then, that idea was foreign. The “how” still is, at times. And then I heard Isiah 41:10 “ He promises to meet you in your pain and to help you… fear not, for Iam with you; do not be dismayed , for I am God.”

My heart wanted to know who is this God. With my secret friend, Iam fearful. Iam dismayed by so many and so much. Maybe God and I could be my new anchor. Maybe I could take the reigns of my life. Of my love. Of my Next.

So, I picked up the mic of my soul with the compassionate hand and inner guidance of God and my therapist, of course. LOL.

Where is she now? No longer front and center. No longer holding the reigns of my life. I do that. She sits, patiently, for when I am ready to fall back asleep into familiarity. Always sort of lurking and waiting around the corner. Ready to comfort me, when tired, drained or sad.

But the joy I am living in now, with God, I’ve been changed. I’ve been turned on. My heart is open and this is me. no more living in the darkness or shadows of my doubt… The light of grace fills heart and leads my way.

Thank God for the daylight. It feels good to wake up day after day with a brand new awareness. With brand new Grace. So I leave my past at the door, everyday. Death, doubt and dismay don’t live here anymore. I’ve learned a new way of navigating through the rocky roads of life and its called Freedom!