after the storm

October 5th, 2022

Mercury is not in retrograde anymore and communication has improved; and Libra season began a while ago, meaning it’s time to be more diplomatic. I’m sorry for my previous entries full of rants and meltdowns - it’s truly been tough. I somehow still feel the need to keep on disclaiming: this journal is mostly, if not entirely, about love. I don’t know why, but this strong feeling just really seems to dominate my thoughts.

My boyfriend finally came home from vacation - he stayed a few days longer than I did. And when we parted ways, I genuinely bursted into tears. I had fights with the clock while waiting for him to come back. And when he did, we didn’t really talk for 2 days, until I broke the silence.

He confessed he did not want to have an open relationship after all, and that by talking to his friends abroad, he realized what an actual mess this could turn into. I thought I’d have to wait years to hear this, and a part of me sighed in content, but another sighed in despair.

As I started crying, so did the sky. The rain poured heavily while my tears fell on my crossed legs. We sat by the kitchen table, where I can look out the window. We talked and talked and talked. I felt that for the first time in a while he really had made up his mind. Like he had thought for days about the matter and formulated coherent thoughts. Usually, he doesn’t say anything when I pour out my feelings.

When I calmed down, the rain stopped. The air cleared and we laughed and had silly talks about whatever. The sun shone over the yellow trees, crying leaves as the wind blew. It's still only autumn. I know darkness and cold will soon come and I'll probably feel better.

I believe his sudden confession serves as a band-aid. A quick fix. It helps calm things down for now, only to be brought up later with more wisdom. I know he will still want to flirt and kiss other people when he’s out, and that hurts me, but I don’t know why. I should be fine with this. He’ll come back to me; he’s promised. I do, however, feel very respected that he turned back on our decision to prevent further my hurting.

But the damage has been done. You don’t just glue a vase back together and not notice the cracks. They’ll stay there, filled with something, hopefully gold. I don’t know how long it’ll take to fix this up, or if we’ll be able to at all, but I can admit that he’s trying and that makes me love him.

I need for the stars to align and be okay with this idea, or it’ll haunt me for the rest of my relationship. I need to accept it and understand that a carnal kiss or night in bed doesn’t translate to him emotionally leaving me. He recently said that our sex is good because we make love.

Truth is, short and simple, I’m confused. He’s confused and we have to give ourselves time. To think and to let things happen. To enjoy ourselves while we still can. But my heart still aches. I still fall into the poisonous abyss of imagination sometimes. But overall, I’m happy, though I’m still recovering.

Maybe I’m the one that needs a break. I’ve been seriously considering it. But I’m afraid a break can quickly turn into a breakup, and that scares me. Nobody wants to be the one to walk away.

It felt good being alone, while he was away. I was reminded that life is bigger. That opportunities are out there; I just need to have a goal. I’ve been feeling more in touch with the spiritual. I’ve been thinking about past lives, astrology, and dimensions. More emotional and less rational. Trying to find answers in the unexplainable.

- Ms Rodwell